wore out

trying to deal with my gf or suffers from bpd. i have learned alot of helpful things, but i still can't figure out how to deal with her behavior when she pulls away. things will b going great then she for no reason just starts distancing herself. if i say something about it she either says she has just been busy or she gets really defensive. i have to be VERY careful with how i bring things up n what words i use or she just errupts. we have been on this cycle for ten years. i can't just let her treat me like crap n not do her part in the relationship but i have no idea to get her to understand how her behavior is wrong and how it is negatively effecting our relationship. i'm at a lost feeling hurt and very frusterated. any advice?

Honestly 1984,

I don't think that I can advise you how to help your gf work through your struggles. Have you tried posting this Q in the relationships forum ~ the room which focuses on those who have relationships with people suffering personality disorders? I would *think* that the room might be be more helpful to you.

I have BPD, and I can relate a lot to issues that you're having with your gf. But, I see things from her perspective. I, myself, have a bad habit of pulling away just when things are beginning to look and feel good in the relationship. It scares me! I'm afraid of losing those good feelings and going back to my paranoid state of mind.

I remind myself of how many intimate relationships I've had so far ~ how many times I could have sworn that it was deep love! Yet, here I am at 42 y.o. and divorced. I have a bf (whoop-de-doo!), whom I've been with for over 3 years. 95% of the time, however, I have walls up inside of me. I try to act as though everything is okay (afraid to push him away), but I also can't bring myself to let the walls down.

It bugs the heck out of me, and I wish that I could let these freaking walls down already...I'm terrified. I feel so empty inside now, I can't imagine myself feeling even emptier! That thought brings on panic inside. On the outside, I'm cool & just a million miles away. It sucks!

yeah, i posted it here thinking having the perspective of sum1 that suffers from bpd may help. and maybe they would know some things that their significant others have done that have helped

I think that, just like each person is different, so are relationships. The behaviors that are part of BPD are common, but the reasons for them are personal/individual.

What about seeing a therapist, who could not only help with your relationship but also with help your gf to feel better and understand herself better? You sound like a wonderfully caring, kind, and supportive person and she's fortunate to be in a relationship with you. I especially like that you are not willing to be treated badly. Good for you! Setting that boundary is important for both of you!

Try finding a support group to help you. You'll find others that may have good answers to how to treat behavior as well as finding people who are in the same boat whether its a friend, spouse, girlfriend or mom.
You have hung in there for 10 years so you must really love her. Congrats to your relationship but raising a bi-polar daughter and her as an adult has been very stressful for me as well. I think the forum here should help but best is a support group with real people who share the disorder in their own lives!

Hi! I understand why you came here and asked those who have BPD for some advice. I don't know if I have any, exactly, but I can tell you what's worked for me.

My SO and I have been together for nearly three years.
I get outraged, depressed, paranoid, inconsolable, etc. about all sorts of things. But the way that SO deals with it is what makes all the difference in our relationship.
We talk.
I mean, we talk until we're practically blue in the face. I'm honest about what I'm feeling, even if I don't know why I'm feeling it. I never worry that SO will tell me that I'm "just being crazy" (which may be the worst thing anyone could ever say, if you ask me). And, most importantly, SO validates these feelings, even if he doesn't agree with or understand them. He doesn't try to "talk me down", he just tries to find something he's felt that may be similar, and use it to express that he can see why I am feeling the way that I am.
This validation goes the distance for me. Having my feelings validated makes me feel less guilty and angry at myself, which allows me to (eventually) try to see things from a less extreme perspective. I also have to do a lot of work; it has to happen from both sides.

There are a lot of resources for people who are close to someone with BPD. Try to utilize them - they can help. Support groups, the relationship forum, perhaps a T of your own (my SO had one for a while that really aided him in trying to understand BPD). Good luck! Hope this helped a little

I agree with what everyone said about finding other resources, but I must also put forth a warning. A lot of books and other resources out there are very negative about BPD. When I first discovered BPD and was searching for more info and help, most of the sites I found were geared towards the loved ones and basically said "So you have a gf with BPD...sucks to be you." There are things that will help. Just a warning. I was very discouraged for a long time due to that. So many places seem to look at BPD as an incurable death sentence.

My very best friend may or may not be bpd but essentially she has a lot of the traits including the pulling away and distancing. I too have bpd and from the beginning she's told me that she just "does that" and that she'll "always be back." This helped but of course she is aware of what she does. So what I do is try to remember this is just something she has to do from time to time and remind myself what she's said. And not freak out on her, even though I don't always succeed. I just wait and let her be and remember it's probably not something I did nor is there anything I can do about it in most cases. That's helped me get through the phases.

Just be patient with her and the more you are, the stronger your relationship will become. Don't take it personally and don't try to change that about her, she'll come back when the phase is over.

Hope this helps!

I can't say for sure, but based on what you've posted here I need more information before I'd agree with you taht her behavior could be labeled as 'wrong' is she insulting you? is she doing anything to hurt you or is it just the distancing that you feel is wrong? If it's the latter, I'd say you need to step back and realize that it's not something she's doing to you but a behavior that is affecting you. Again if it's only that, it's gonna take patience and understanding on your part to get through it, but if it's something she's really doing actively to hurt or insult you or anything like that, I think that you both can contribute positively to this. When she's pulling away, don't pursue or try to get her to come back but at the same time, if she's in that mode, she needs to understand not to take it out on you either. So I think I agree that you need to talk it out with her and find a way to deal with it together when she's in that phase.

If she seems to be taking it out on you, she may feel defensive, like she needs to say something or defend herself before you "attack" her. I'm sure that's not what you're intending to do, but she may still take it that way. We have a tendancy of misinterpreting people's behavior or reactons to us. The more you can just let it go, accept it as the way she it, and walk away yourself a bit when she's like that, the less it is likely to occur. It takes time, but when it sinks in that you are not "out to get" her, a lot of those behaviors will slow down. Never stop, but make it much easier to deal with.

thank u guys. alot of what u guys said makes sense. n really seems to fit how she is feeling. she does say alot of hurtful things in her rages, but perhaps if i just walk away when she is raging she may feel like she doesn't need to say hurtful things, and it may also help her understand that while i love her, her saying hurtful things is crossing the boundaries.

Wait until after the episode and she's on the upswing and come to her in a positive manner. She'll understand you much better and even be agreeable after the storm is over.

how do u come to sum1 with a positive manner, when the last thing they said to you is "i hate talking to you or seeing u? that's a hard thing to bring up in a positive way

I have BPD and my Mom read a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking your life back when someone you care about has Borderline Personality Disorder" By Paul T. Mason, Randi Kreger - I've never read it but since she read it our relationship has gotten better. Not sure if it's what she read in the book or what, but it's worth a try. Below is the synopsis -

"Do you feel manipulated, controlled, or lied to? Are you the focus of intense, violent, and irrational rages? Do you feel you are 'walking on eggshells' to avoid the next confrontation? If the answer is 'yes,' someone you care about may have borderline personality disorder (BPD)."Stop Walking on Eggshells" has already helped nearly half a million people with friends and family members suffering from BPD understand this destructive disorder, set boundaries, and help their loved ones stop relying on dangerous BPD behaviors. This fully revised edition has been updated with the very latest BPD research and includes coping and communication skills you can use to stabilize your relationship with the BPD sufferer in your life. This compassionate guide will enable you to: *Make sense out of the chaos *Stand up for yourself and assert your needs *Defuse arguments and conflicts *Protect yourself and others from violent behavior"

It's my belief that if someone you love has treated you like crap for years - I love you/I hate you and all that, I'm sure you've been through many times - it's almost a daily occurrence in my marriage. Eventually a person will reach a breaking point - this happened with my husband and boy oh boy it was the straw that broke the camels back and yikes. Honestly - I don't act like that on purpose - my brain just "goes there". I'm getting better and I see the way I've treated him for 21 years, I'm crushed and feel so bad for him. I am amazed he has stayed with me through all the crap I've pulled - even my most recent crap. I think this book might help just to understand a little better - not to give your gf a "hall pass" per se but maybe it will help you make some sense out of the chaos. Good luck and hang in there.

"Your true colors are beautiful, like a rainbow." - Cyndi Lauper

yeah i'm actually reading that book and doing the workbook that goes along with it as well. its a good book. trying sum of the stuff, but its slow reading cuz i work full time, am finishing up my masters, and doing ministry school. so more reading is something i can only do so much of lol

Why do you think you can fix her?

i don't, actually i know i can't. but i can hopefully learn to understand her better, and why she behaves the way she does in situations by understanding her feelings, and modify my behavior and the way i communicate with her to hopefully help things