[chronicallyconfused]

Some people don't like to be labeled, but I do. Because for years my therapists assumed I just suffered from OCD/anxiety/depression/anorexia ("recovered" anorexic at this point....though I like to refer to it as "remission" instead). So I never got the 'right' treatment. On this med off this med on this med off this med....etc. Looking back I had hypomanic episodes. I live in a chronically mixed bipolar state...mostly in my head because if I acted out my true feelings I would never be socially accepted. But I feel like I'm truly an overlapping bipolar/borderline. I don't like many people. I have no friends, I don't want to make friends, but yet I'm sad that I have no friends. I love my children, but I don't know what to do with them. I don't know what to do with myself. I merely exist. My feelings range from moment to moment between rage and utter depression. There are some people I hate so much but should at least like. I actually hope that bad things will happen to them just so I don't have to deal with them ever again. But I don't want other people to leave me. I even want people that I hate to like me, want to have the last say but don't want them to not like me - even though I don't like them. I still want their approval. I can't make up my mind about anything. But I keep this all in my own head because I know that I have to. I'm impulsive. I drink too much, drive too recklessly, when I was younger and not married I slept with too many guys.....or not enough. My thoughts race, I self medicate to sleep and even then can't sleep through the night. I actually want to be labeled just to fit in somewhere, to know that other people go through what I go through. At the same time that I wish I was 'normal' I thrive on being abnormal because at least it gives me something to be preoccupied with...which in itself is disturbing. Every test I take says 'you have a high probability of being borderline' or 'you have a high probability of being bipolar.' I know I'm OCD, have been since I was a child. I was a head banger, checker, counter, I thought my parents would die if I didn't put the proper foot forward first when leaving a room. I'm still OCD but I keep my compulsions in check because again - I don't want people to hate me or to see my issues firsthand - even though I want them to know I'm abnormal. That all being said, my kids are in bed, I'm going to fix my drink and read a book. Even though I know I shouldn't and that I should be studying. Because half the class is reading ahead even though class hasn't started yet, but I wouldn't want the teacher to not like me or think I'm a poor student (I'm not, OCD = 4.0gpa). Ugh. Thanks for listening.....

Have you been officially diagnosed as BPD or Bipolar? Have you done the research on the traits of each? Which one appears to fit better? I'm not trying to put you through the wringer with the questions. Just trying to understand a little bit better.

[XAndromedaX]

Ya. Get a diagnosis. I'm undiagnosed myself, but I really WANT to be diagnosed.. especially since I'm a deal ringer for BPD and need help...it would somehow make this madness a little bit less unsettling in some ways....

[chronicallyconfused]

My latest dx is bipolar II because I have a new, more thorough dr that I actually like hence I can tell her more than I have shared with past drs. But I still haven't shared everything, and I think if I did she would dx bpd as well. I think in a lot of cases bipolar and bpd overlap.

BPD and Bipolar don't necessarily overlap but one is often mistaken for the other. BPD patients cycle at a much faster pace than bipolar and the cycling is always caused or triggered by something though you may not always realize what it is. A BPD person can go through a number of extreme emotions in the course of a day. Bipolar's cycling is much slower and is caused by a chemical imbalance and when the right meds are found the majority of the symptoms can be controlled. BPD cannot be controlled or successfully treated by meds though they are sometimes used to make off the edge. BPD is more of a learned behavior based on upbringing.

[AngelWolf3]

Originally Posted by XAndromedaX

Ya. Get a diagnosis. I'm undiagnosed myself, but I really WANT to be diagnosed.. especially since I'm a deal ringer for BPD and need help...it would somehow make this madness a little bit less unsettling in some ways....

I totally get this.

[chronicallyconfused]

My emotions cycle viciously throughout the day....in my head. I have been able to keep myself in check as far as not expressing my emotions...which of course doesn't help me in the long run. At the same time I appear empty and withdrawn, apathetic. Recently I shed a tear when my husband and I were watching a movie....his response? "I guess you do have a heart."