I had my very first session today with my new therapist and it was so hard (I only stayed for 25 minutes) I got all upset, I wrote some stuff down about my childhood last week ready for this week (last week was just an assessment) I was all emotional even now thinking about it I want to cry.

My T said that I don't have to do this as this will just get harder but I want to do it,, It is the fear of Judgement and trust that is going to hold me back

I have only ever done CBT before so this is all new to me.

Now I am becoming paranoid.

[IowaFarmGal]

((((Buttercup)))) Is stirring up the memories doing this? Was your T concerned it was too much? I hope you are alright. How long before your next appointment?

Yeah memories I think

Well she said we can just do 20-30 minutes for the first few weeks if I want, It is very painful, I go again a week on Thursday.I think when you hold so much in for 30+ years it is always going to be hard and painful.

[IowaFarmGal]

I hope that it will eventually drain off the pain from the memories and you can leave them behind in peace. I've given my T memories I wrote out because I couldn't talk about them and it was very hard when she read them aloud. We don't do it all the time though. That's the main thing you do now? I hope it will be very helpful in the long term.

[BeautifullyDeprived]

Take one step at a time Buttercup!

[TheRealFDeal]

30 years is a long time to go bottled up. A long time to feel judged by others and to build up mistrust of others. Just take it easy. Keep going and do what you can do.

[it'sjustme]

Buttercup...a BIG to you!!!

It's difficult digging through past memories, especially traumatic ones...you're not alone, happened to me recently too...

Thanks for replying

I know that I have only had one session but this therapist knows her stuff and like my CPN said from the start she really does have a good reputation, I am willing to stick with this though no matter how painful things get.

[AngelWolf3]

Yes, I am glad you are sticking with it. Try not to be too hard on yourself, you deserve to be able to slowly chip away from and remove the pain. It will definitely take time...it took time for it all to build up for 30 years, so it will take time to remove it.

But I have faith in you, and it looks like others do too!!!!!

Congratulations for sticking it out....and

I'm sorry I haven't been much of a support lately, but I wanted to let you know that I often have problems with memories and I do care. I just can't offer very much sometimes.

Thank you both and Maranara I understand I haven't been much support either, It gets like that at times

[youwillrise]

ive just started therapy recently. this saturday will be my 4th session. ive talked about some important things...there are a lot of different things going on with me and im a jumbled mess, but there's one thing that im trying to build the courage up to talk about because it's big and needs to be talked about if im wanting this therapy to work for me. it's such a scary thing. i, too, have trusts issues...fear. this isnt my first try with therapy...but this go around has been more successful than the first. im being much more open whereas the first time, i held back a lot (i was only 19 at the time, so ive had 10 years to build up the confidence ha.) i actually only went to 2 sessions all those years ago. ha. at least ive doubled it this time...i plan to stick with it. it's hard for me to stick to things, but im going to try really hard.

i wish you the best, hoping you become comfortable and remember this is for your well being, you deserve to be and feel well.

I know exactly what you mean about sticking to things, I always refused help for many years you could say I was in total denial about myself, I think that I have had BPD for many years without knowing it and my doctor,Pdoc, and xT agrees too.

I know that this therapy is hard as I said I have only had one session and I found it really tough but I need to do this for my own sake, I am sick of my self harm and I am sick of hating myself and I am sick of being BPD, I know that therapy won't cure me but I want to try and understand my feelings and to get rid of all this childhood trauma.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Baby steps, buttercup.

I am glad your t is not rushing you.

Carol