[girlfallingup]

Today was the first time my therapist had ever used the word borderline, and I've been seeing her since July. She mentioned it in response to the description of my up and down moods, and how I go from feeling like Superwoman one minute to literally, in the next minute, feeling like everything is hopeless. I asked her if she thought that's what I had, to which she responded, "You definitely have some symptoms, it takes a very long time to diagnose someone with a personality disorder."

And it well may, but I've thought for a long time that I've exhibited symptoms of BPD. I'm getting my Master's in Social Work and have written plenty of papers on BPD that resonated with me on a very personal level. So why the hell did I feel so surprised, sucker-punched, when she used that word? Why am I so scared? I guess maybe because it adds some kind of reality to it.

Here's what I know:

I always assume the worst. If someone doesn't call me back, they're mad at me. If they're more short in text messaging than usual, they're mad at me. It doesn't register with me that people are busy and have lives, they're mad at me.

I have recently rekindled a relationship with a man who ended things with me, I believe, based on my BPD tendencies. Our relationship the first time around was very "i hate you, don't leave me", and then he left and I spent the next two months feeling like my world had ended. He's back now, and we're trying to take things slow, but he's so guarded. Understandably so, says the rational part of my mind, but the emotional part of my mind says it's because he doesn't feel as strongly for me as he did before. We're not spending every waking moment together like we did before. Some might see that as healthy, as being our own people and taking our own space, I see it as rejection. Therefore, I'm on the verge of ruining this relationship for a second time because my insecurity is causing me to push him towards things he's not ready for yet. And I spend a large portion of my time being obsessive or worried about the relationship. He didn't call me "dear" in a text message, this must mean he's breaking up with me. I'm literally driving myself crazy with fear and worry, and I'm trying to keep it at bay from him so that he doesn't see what I'm doing, so he thinks I really have changed, and I have in many ways, and I'm trying so, so hard...

but it's like sometimes the emotions just take me over. The slightest little thing will send me into tears and panic.

And what's frustrating is that some days I can convince myself that everything is going to be ok, that even if things don't work out with he and I, it's not the end of the world. i convince myself not to be so overwhelmed by the uncertainty of my life, and I laugh and I smile. But I can't trust that. Because it's so fleeting, so temporary, and so inconsistent. My moods are back and forth then up and down then back again so quickly that it scares me, and I feel like I have no control.

It's the same way with my self-worth. It's so fragile. It's so dependent on other people's opinions of me. Some days I think I'm pretty great, but other days I feel like the most worthless POS in the world. Nothing in my life feels stable. Not even the way I see myself. Everything is black and white. It's either perfect or horrible. He's either breaking up with me or we're getting married, I'm either beautiful and worthy or hideous and worthy of nothing. Oh, and the only thing that helps me with any of this is to binge eat and then throw up. And then I feel guilty for throwing up. But if I don't throw up, I feel guilty for eating too much.

There are so many other things, so many other reasons I feel like my therapist hit the nail on the head. And I'm so scared of this uphill climb, I'm afraid I'll never have a normal relationship. I'm just scared on so many levels.

Most of us with BPD go through a period of denial. When I first read the traits of BPD, a light went off. Everything seemed to go in to place, but at the same time everything in me screamed "NOOOO"!! I can assure you of this. You are the same exact person today that you are yesterday. Nothing about you has changed. So, now you have a name for it. That's the only thing that's different. The name, when you do the research and you obviously have, can be terrifying, but it should also give you hope. Before, you didn't know what was up with you or why. Now you do. Now you can arm yourself. Now you can fight. And what's more, you've found PC. You're no longer alone in this fight. We don't always have the solutions you'd prefer having, but knowing you're not alone anymore makes the fight more bearable. Welcome to the BPD community. We are a very understanding, supportive yet dysfunctional family who will help you as much as we can with your fight. We are fighting the same battle along side you, and that in itself will offer some measure of comfort if you allow it to.

[XAndromedaX]

I understand what you're saying Maranara. I feel that right now. The terror and yet hope that I can actually break my cycles that have made my life not what I want it to be....

[BorderlineMess]

Being diagnosed is scary. It scared me for years. And that's completely understandable! Take your time with it. Let it sink in a little at a time. It took me years before I could accept it as my diagnosis. It may not take you that long, especially since you're so educated on the subject beforehand. I was getting my BS in psychology at the time of my diagnosis and I still didn't know much about BPD.

I don't have much in the way of advice in the relationship arena. Relationships are especially difficult for those of us with BPD, so maybe a therapist could shine some light on the subject.

And welcome to PC!

[DualImage]

A few months ago, after I'd been seeing my T for a year, he asked me if I'd read about BPD and I wondered why he was asking. Then he made a comment that I'd told him someone else had diagnosed me in the past, which wasn't true. It blew me out of the water to find out this way that I had BPD, and that it took him a year to talk to me about it. He indicated that he was upset with himself for not remembering correctly, and not talking about it sooner, but things like this make me wonder if he's the right T for me. Anyway, I sure can understand your feelings. This is a difficult diagnosis for me. I've been trying to get help for 40 years now and it has been a rough road.

[BelleCat]

You're not alone here! We all have out bad BPD moments, but the one thing I tell anyone who is newly diagnosed with BPD, is that you are in fact in a lot more control than you think you are- which is comforting.

The other thing I tell those recently diagnosed with BPD- You are a person with Borderline Personality Disorder. You are not a Borderline Personality Disorder with a person. Meaning, your BPD does not define who you are, or who you're meant to be. BPD poses difficult challenges yes, but it's not a death sentence or anything.

We're here to support you as well!

[borderfly]

i was diagnosed about 3 weeks ago and yes it bowled me over, i felt hopeless, flawed, scared and bad but all in all, i am so glad that not only do i know WHY i have been suffering my whole life but now i have concrete symptoms to work with. all those shadowy monsters that were hiding behind my back are revealed and i can dialogue, work and rewire them. for the first time in decades i believe i have a chance at being happy.

[hope4you]

Originally Posted by girlfallingup

Today was the first time my therapist had ever used the word borderline, and I've been seeing her since July. She mentioned it in response to the description of my up and down moods, and how I go from feeling like Superwoman one minute to literally, in the next minute, feeling like everything is hopeless. I asked her if she thought that's what I had, to which she responded, "You definitely have some symptoms, it takes a very long time to diagnose someone with a personality disorder."

And it well may, but I've thought for a long time that I've exhibited symptoms of BPD. I'm getting my Master's in Social Work and have written plenty of papers on BPD that resonated with me on a very personal level. So why the hell did I feel so surprised, sucker-punched, when she used that word? Why am I so scared? I guess maybe because it adds some kind of reality to it.

Here's what I know:

I always assume the worst. If someone doesn't call me back, they're mad at me. If they're more short in text messaging than usual, they're mad at me. It doesn't register with me that people are busy and have lives, they're mad at me.

I have recently rekindled a relationship with a man who ended things with me, I believe, based on my BPD tendencies. Our relationship the first time around was very "i hate you, don't leave me", and then he left and I spent the next two months feeling like my world had ended. He's back now, and we're trying to take things slow, but he's so guarded. Understandably so, says the rational part of my mind, but the emotional part of my mind says it's because he doesn't feel as strongly for me as he did before. We're not spending every waking moment together like we did before. Some might see that as healthy, as being our own people and taking our own space, I see it as rejection. Therefore, I'm on the verge of ruining this relationship for a second time because my insecurity is causing me to push him towards things he's not ready for yet. And I spend a large portion of my time being obsessive or worried about the relationship. He didn't call me "dear" in a text message, this must mean he's breaking up with me. I'm literally driving myself crazy with fear and worry, and I'm trying to keep it at bay from him so that he doesn't see what I'm doing, so he thinks I really have changed, and I have in many ways, and I'm trying so, so hard...

but it's like sometimes the emotions just take me over. The slightest little thing will send me into tears and panic.

And what's frustrating is that some days I can convince myself that everything is going to be ok, that even if things don't work out with he and I, it's not the end of the world. i convince myself not to be so overwhelmed by the uncertainty of my life, and I laugh and I smile. But I can't trust that. Because it's so fleeting, so temporary, and so inconsistent. My moods are back and forth then up and down then back again so quickly that it scares me, and I feel like I have no control.

It's the same way with my self-worth. It's so fragile. It's so dependent on other people's opinions of me. Some days I think I'm pretty great, but other days I feel like the most worthless POS in the world. Nothing in my life feels stable. Not even the way I see myself. Everything is black and white. It's either perfect or horrible. He's either breaking up with me or we're getting married, I'm either beautiful and worthy or hideous and worthy of nothing. Oh, and the only thing that helps me with any of this is to binge eat and then throw up. And then I feel guilty for throwing up. But if I don't throw up, I feel guilty for eating too much.

There are so many other things, so many other reasons I feel like my therapist hit the nail on the head. And I'm so scared of this uphill climb, I'm afraid I'll never have a normal relationship. I'm just scared on so many levels.

Your lucky! When I was diagnosed there was one book on it. I HATE YOU DON'T LEAVE ME. Now you have tons of books, the web and therapist trained in treating BPD. You have good chance of dealing with this. Get a good support group of folks around you and READ!