[hungryghost]

Big warning: Might be triggering for people who don't dissociate as much as I do.

...

Wondering... For others with suicidal ideation. Do you long for annihilation? None of my acquaintances who share suicidal thoughts understand this feeling I have - the one where I want to be erased from existence completely. Past, present, and future. I don't want anyone to remember me. I don't want anything to exist of me. I want to be so thoroughly obliterated that it's as if I never existed at all. Sometimes when my thoughts are racing and I can't track down how I feel, it's the only thought that gives me peace. The idea of becoming nothing.

I don't feel that way presently, but I can sense it in me, always, like a string that just needs to be plucked to be heard again.

[roads]

Decades before I was diagnosed bipolar, when I was treated as clinically depressed after a suicide attempt at age 8, and I discovered Buddhism & Existentialism, I did fixate on the idea of un-existing. Dying in a way that removed having ever been.
The idea occurs to me, but it's not a fixation these days.

[greentires4me]

yes I understand becoming nothing there is times when i want to be nothing non feeling non expressing I am just stuck.

Its hard to explain but yes I understand because I dissociate often and go into my own little world. I feel compelled to write you that you are not alone just to let you know.

I disassociate all the time, have since I was about 10, but the thought of nonexisting terrifies me. I saw a tv show a few years ago about a woman who died and no one could be found who ever knew her. She had no friends, she worked at a temp agency and no one could remember ever working with her, and they placed an ad in the paper trying to find anyone who knew her and they couldn't. The show gave me nightmares for some time afterward.

Surprisingly, no.. I haven't felt like this. I know and can relate to the feeling of wanting to be gone, to be done with it, but I don't know if it's even suicidal ideation at all. I mean at one point in my life I had felt pretty suicidal but that's been at least 20 years since then. I mean the one thing tht keeps me here is knowing and being aware of those that would be affected. Even those that dont' know me all too well would be indirectly affected if I died unexpectedly, even more so by a suicidal death.

I wonder though, if you idealize not existing if it's a way of getting out of the feeling that you'd be missed, that you'd affect those that care or even just know you. I mean deep down many of us know that it would affect those people in our lives. Feeling suicidal means ignoring that. I dont' mean you consciously do this but I wonder if it's your mind's way of making thoughts of being gone, acceptable.

[hungryghost]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I wonder though, if you idealize not existing if it's a way of getting out of the feeling that you'd be missed, that you'd affect those that care or even just know you. I mean deep down many of us know that it would affect those people in our lives. Feeling suicidal means ignoring that. I dont' mean you consciously do this but I wonder if it's your mind's way of making thoughts of being gone, acceptable.

Interesting thought - that could well be. There are a few people that I believe would be very hurt by it. If I were completely erased, they wouldn't be hurt (by either my past actions or by that final one).

I think it's also a control thing. Ultimate control over others' impressions and experiences and memories of me by simply deleting them.