[TheRealFDeal]

Although the pharmacy is on my way home from work, I decided not to stop last night so that I would have a reason to get up and get out today. I have absolutely nothing to do and nobody to do it with on the weekends, so they are very hard. Well, that wasn't enough to get me out of bed. I stayed there till 4:30 and got to the pharmacy at 5:15. They closed at 5:00. Now I have only one ambien left and I'm trying not to use it tonight so that I can sleep on Sunday night, before work. I'm afraid to go to bed for fear of lying there and having nothing to think about except how pitiful and lonely my life is. I feel like crap. The usual, really. I haven't felt any happiness in four years. I feel like I will never be happy again, nothing will ever get better and I will be stuck like this for the rest of my life. I don't give a s*** about myself and no one else does, either. I hate that this sounds like self-pity. I'm going to try to go to bed now because it's almost 2 AM. (After all, I've been up for 9 hours now!)

Can you cut it in half? I know, it's not as strong, but it should still make you sleepy. I used to take half of my Ambien all the time. It's worth a try.

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way; I totally understand. Weekends are rough for me as well. I've been awake for about 19 hours now, I've bypassed the typical sleeping-all-the-time depressed and have catapulted into the awake-for-36-hours depressed. I took half a Trazodone but it didn't do anything. I don't want to take a whole one because I'll be asleep all day and I don't really want to sleep all freaking day. I mean, I saved up some shows on Hulu to watch so that I wouldn't be so pathetic and bored and now I want to watch them. Argh. This sucks, doesn't it?

Anyway, I hope you get some sleep.

[TheRealFDeal]

I've been told that if you cut a continuous release pill in half, it won't work. I'm afraid to try it and waste my chance for sleep tonite. But it's just as I feared. I went to bed, read for two hours (a depressing book, no less), turned out the light... and thought bad things. I should check my medicine cabinet and see if I have any leftover Trazadone.

So you've been up all night, Misskeena? What do you do? I just go back and forth between my computer and TV. I try to DVR stuff during the week to save for the weekend. But they both get tiresome.

Gonna check my medicine cabinet now.

Hey Real,

How are you feeling today? I understand the depression. I just recently have surfaced from a long bout of depression/ insomnia actually. The first thing to know Real, is that you're not alone in this and you don't have to feel guilty for talking about it.

It often feels like a 'pity-party' when my head keeps looping on those old, negative tapes. Of course then if I talk to others about it I feel quite guilty for talking that way.
What I mean to say is that I hear you, I've been there, I get it.

When I am up all night I get lost in a book. It sounds boring at first, but there are enough of them to keep me satiated. If I feel too scattered, I will read pulp or trash (I will read guitar magazines) or articles. Going on the computer, watching tv or playing video games actually makes it harder to fall asleep because these things stimulate the brain. Although, if you're bored, by all means.

I find that meditation, relaxation and breathing exercises help me get to sleep. New age music, nature sounds of whale songs, rain storms or the ocean are helpful. I used to take meds to help me sleep but use natural alternatives instead.
Valerian root, passionflower, chamomille and catnip tea, lavender (which can be put in your pillow) and magnesium are very effective in helping me get to sleep.

I also find that if I exercise a lot during the day and spend enough time outside I will fall asleep quicker.

Is there something new you could try to do on the weekends? Take a cooking, fly fishing, drawing or yoga class? Hang out at the library or a coffee shop. Take long walks outside, find new places to hike and adventure. Bring a camera, sketchpad or journal with you. Redecorate your house, work on your car, start a new hobby like playing a musical instrument, knitting, astronomy or gardening. Find some sites of interest to you that have message forums similar to here (or on here) and make online friends, send emails like penpals, chat, voice talk on skype etc. Rent a bunch of movies make homemade pizza and have a movie marathon with yourself. Getting to know yourself can be fun (it doesn't have to be depressing). I find it liberating and enjoyable these days to spend time with myself.

Just some things that have worked for me to help my depression, insomnia and loneliness...Restless boredom is definitely uncomfortable. But I really just want you to know you're not alone.

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

I've been told that if you cut a continuous release pill in half, it won't work. I'm afraid to try it and waste my chance for sleep tonite. But it's just as I feared. I went to bed, read for two hours (a depressing book, no less), turned out the light... and thought bad things. I should check my medicine cabinet and see if I have any leftover Trazadone.

So you've been up all night, Misskeena? What do you do? I just go back and forth between my computer and TV. I try to DVR stuff during the week to save for the weekend. But they both get tiresome.

Gonna check my medicine cabinet now.

No, you're right. You can't cut a continuous release tablet. I forgot that there was regular Ambien and Ambien CR; I was on regular, so I could take half and it was okay.

What do I do? I don't really know. I was on here for a long time. I try not to watch TV because it's very activating to the brain (so is being on the internet, but less so I think). I read sometimes but I was so depressed that I didn't feel like picking up a book. I play games on my phone. I wrote two blog posts, so today and tomorrow are covered. Probably could have written a third but by that time I was ready to try and sleep--still couldn't. I didn't get to sleep until close to 9am. It's 2pm now so....5 hours....that's not too bad.

[TheRealFDeal]

The problem, stratocaster, is that I have difficulty getting out of bed. I have no motivation, zero, zip. I know I should plan better for the weekend because I know what's coming. But I'm a crappy planner and even poorer at carrying them out because of the motivation problem. I should somehow find it within myself to MAKE myself do those things, I know.

I like your idea to find some soothing sounds or music to fall asleep by. Something that would work to distract my mind from going to bad places. I found a couple of Trazodone in my medicine cabinet and took one at 6 this morning, but it still took me a couple of hours to finally fall asleep. I kept trying to think of nice places I've been, but then the memories turn sour.

So today, not better. I don't even exactly know how to describe how I feel today. Just hanging on to the fact that tomorrow it's back to work, back to the very insignificant purpose I have in life. It's just less painful because it's a distraction. Somehow, I just have to get through the next few hours, and then I have an Ambien waiting for me, so no repeat of last night.

[TheRealFDeal]

Well, so much for the best-laid plans. Not even work could get me out of bed today. I thought and thought but when it got to be a half hour before I was to report to work I realized I'd have to call in late, so I might as well call in absent. I got a phone call from my GP's office about 12:30 and I had to get up to write stuff down, and guess what? I went right back to bed. So the mood continues. I really HAD to get to the pharmacy today, but it was so hard to get out of bed. I can't even describe it. It's like my body's made of lead and my will is so absent that there just can be no vertical movement. Once I got out of the house, it was difficult to keep from crying. Everything is just. so. hard. I feel so incapable of doing even the basics that I think I shouldn't even be living on my own. I should be in the severe psych ward where all the patients are just shuffling around in their pjs and bathrobes. Anyway. Nobody's probably listening anymore.

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

Well, so much for the best-laid plans. Not even work could get me out of bed today. I thought and thought but when it got to be a half hour before I was to report to work I realized I'd have to call in late, so I might as well call in absent. I got a phone call from my GP's office about 12:30 and I had to get up to write stuff down, and guess what? I went right back to bed. So the mood continues. I really HAD to get to the pharmacy today, but it was so hard to get out of bed. I can't even describe it. It's like my body's made of lead and my will is so absent that there just can be no vertical movement. Once I got out of the house, it was difficult to keep from crying. Everything is just. so. hard. I feel so incapable of doing even the basics that I think I shouldn't even be living on my own. I should be in the severe psych ward where all the patients are just shuffling around in their pjs and bathrobes. Anyway. Nobody's probably listening anymore.

I'm listening. And I understand. I feel like this sometimes too. I think I felt almost like this today. I woke up after sleeping 12 hours and felt so heavy... like I didn't want to do anything, like could go back to sleep again so after a few hours I did, and slept for 3 more hours. Now it's 7:30pm and I feel like I could go back to sleep and sleep all night. I have to work tomorrow for 12 hours and don't know how I'm going to do it. But I seem to do better at work; the structure is good for me.

Sorry, I always make it about me. But the point is I'm listening and I understand.

[greentires4me]

I'm listening I am hearing you I understand your frustration with just how things are like for you. you probably wish they were better but right now they just aren't. One day at a time moment by moment...

[poptart316]

omg I know exactly how you feel! I've been going through the same thing for a while now. I slept literally all day yesterday and woke up at about 9pm and decided to take some of my grandma's abilify and 2 melatonins (which don't really work anymore) and go back to sleep... I guess the idea was kinda reset myself in the morning, but sometimes my sleep will be normal and I wake up and do the same thing or do absolutely nothing besides spend time on the computer, usually whining at people about my problems/past or being confrontational. I don't have a job, so most days I feel I have no reason to get up. I go to school but wound up dropping two of my classes so I only have one class now and missed that last week/didn't turn in the pre-writing assignment... I still have time to write the paper but cannot find the motivation to do it, I don't even want to watch TV or read books or anything.. everything seems so pointless and boring. I also can't stop thinking about bad things either... I've been doing it 24/7. I just want to sleep all the time. : / I guess I'll try again tomorrow.. my therapist says to just do things without thinking about it, maybe I'll actually try that tomorrow.. drag myself in the shower, do some cleaning and go from there.. maybe I'll write a list of things to do tomorrow including writing my paper.