[Ayreon]

Erm, Hi. This seemed like a good idea last night, so... It might be a bit long.

Hmm, I'm new, obviously, and I'd like to know if I maybe have BPD (even though I do know no one can be sure over internet, etc, but it's the best I can do at the moment).

Well, not completely sure where to start, so... I've been in a car accident almost... 9 years ago actually. It was pretty bad, but after 2 or so years I was to some extent back to normal. Anyway, a year later after getting in constant fights with parents for months, about generally going out anywhere (they didn't want me to go on my own, due to previous head damage - which I didn't believe was a problem, since 4+ years passed), I've just... given up.

Some time after, I got hooked onto some MMORPG game, which basically became my life. Around that time I 'realized' that my life is and will be going nowhere, and figuring that my old friends will eventually stop talking to me since I was focused on the game, wasn't going out, or anything, I figured the best thing would be just to 'break it' asap, and not waste their time, which I did. It somehow led me to thoughts of suicide, and I actually "planned" it...

Anyway, 2 and half years ago when I started getting sick of playing the game and figuring how much hooked on it I was, I started playing it less and less, and I realized that I was pretty much f*cked, and after few bad things happened in RL, after a accidental cut (at first), I figured it felt good, so...

Well, after trying it a few times, it became regular thing, so much that even when I was mildly happy, I'd look for some reason to cut. That continued until a year ago (a bit more than that actually) I screwed up, and after a 16+ hours of being unable to stop bleeding, I ended up in ER.

I stopped doing it for few months, and almost a year ago I figured I couldn't wait anymore for my "plan" and decided to try and off myself. I screwed up, obviously, and after spending a bit in a hospital, I went back home. 2 or so months later I stopped cutting, and since then I haven't cut.

Anyway... to the point. According to most symptoms I've read, It's possible that I (may) have BPD.

Mood swings - they happen, not always, but they do. Sometimes it takes me just few seconds to go from happy to sad / depressed.
Even though I managed to stop playing that game, there are... other things which I can't stop, and sometime take most of my day away.

I can't focus on learning almost anything, and it annoys me. Especially since it feels like nothing is going into my head.

Suicidal thoughts / SH urges are still there as well, first one being almost constant, with the second less.

When I meet someone (usually online, since I haven't gone out of the house more than few times in 5 years, till recently), it doesn't take long for a feeling that I need to stop talking to them to kick in.

I dislike talking to people in RL mostly and feel anxious when I do, though I do believe it's more because of isolation than SA or anything similar. Other than that, there's self-hatred, anger which isn't always easy to control but I usually manage to, and some smaller stuff, I guess.

What do any of you think?
I know no one can be sure this way, over the internet, if I do or do not have it, but... well, it's better than nothing.

Thanks (:

[Ultra Darkness]

Do you have any abandonment issues or impulsive behaviors? From what you posted, I'm not entirely sure that could be bpd. Of course, I only really learned of bpd less than three months ago, so I'm still kind of new. Welcome anyway.

It doesn't really sound like BPD to me, but I don't know you and I'm not qualified to tell you that or anything. Mood swings and self harm don't have to mean BPD, neither does feeling your life is going nowhere and being angry. But like Ultra Darkness asked, do you have abandonment issues? What about identity disturbance? From what you said it sounds more like depression to me. But again, I'm not sure. Nevertheless, welcome to the forum.

[greentires4me]

sounds like severe form of depression to me but I am no doctor...probably what you nesscairly don't want to hear. but just from what you described I got that...never fret most people have a form of severe depression so it is treatable.

Hello! What you're describing certainly sounds like BPD or something similar. Of course the only way to find out if you have BPD or another personality disorder is go to a psychologist or psychiatrist for a test (please don't settle with your pdoc for this, BPD is still very stigmatized and pdocs generally just aren't competent enough when it comes to mental illness), but I can think of a few questions that might help you understand what label you fit into (because there's obviously something there, even if it's "just" recurrent or chronic depression, dysthymia or addiction - I have BPD, bipolar with a very chronic depression, substance abuse and I used to be addicted to computer games, so I think I should know). Also remember that the diagnosis you get isn't the best description of your problems - that would be the individual traits you have and how they are spread across the spectrum of personality disorders.

Ultra Darkness's question is very relevant. How do you feel when you sense that people are rejecting you, or even worse abandoning you? How do you react to a real or imagined sense of rejection or abandonment? Most BPD patients that I have met have serious issues with this. However, as I said, it's the number of traits that matter, not so much which ones, and you might be atypical or not meet the diagnostic criteria but still need treatment for BPD.

Are you impulsive? Self harm is usually impulsive, and if you've abused drugs that could be impulsive too. Are you impulsive in other ways? How are your real-life friendships, if you have any, and other human relationships? Are they stable or chaotic? My relationships are very stable now and I generally don't do impulsive things anymore, unless I'm hypomanic. I still score very high on tests for BPD.

You say you mostly keep inside and to yourself because of anxiety, but do you miss being with other people? If you don't, I would be quite certain that you do not have BPD. Suppose your anxiety was gone, would you then want to spend something like a normal amount of time with other people?

Do you often feel empty inside? Do you feel you don't know who you are, or maybe you don't even care about who you are? Do you often act like a different person around different people? These are very common problems.

How do you think your levels of emotion are compared to that of other people? Mood swings are common in BPD, but often they can be better explained as something else, especially if they lack a clear cause. However, fluctuations in feelings (as opposed to moods) are one of the main symptoms of BPD. This is lability - you will often find yourself reacting to something with an emotion that is out of proportion to what actually happens. You might not realize that the reaction is extreme, because you are responding to a very real perception and strong feelings cloud ones judgement, but maybe other people have often told you that your reaction is inappropriate.

How do you respond to emotional stress? Do you sometimes find yourself unable to think clearly because you simply feel too much of something - anger, resentment, sadness, joy, anything? Maybe you can't think at all? If this happens as a spontaneous reaction to something, and not as a mood or something that just pops up without any cause, it's indicative of BPD. Also, do you often get angry? Does your anger seem stronger or seem to last longer than when other people get angry? Repressed anger? This can be a symptom of many disorders, but also very much of BPD.

I wish you good luck!

[Ayreon]

Originally Posted by Ultra Darkness

Do you have any abandonment issues or impulsive behaviors? From what you posted, I'm not entirely sure that could be bpd. Of course, I only really learned of bpd less than three months ago, so I'm still kind of new. Welcome anyway.

For first no, it's totally opposite, as for second, sometime.

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

It doesn't really sound like BPD to me, but I don't know you and I'm not qualified to tell you that or anything. Mood swings and self harm don't have to mean BPD, neither does feeling your life is going nowhere and being angry. But like Ultra Darkness asked, do you have abandonment issues? What about identity disturbance? From what you said it sounds more like depression to me. But again, I'm not sure. Nevertheless, welcome to the forum.

I do know that, but considering that I can't see a therapist in RL at the moment, it's the best thing I could think of. For second, again, yes. I keep going back and forth over wanting to "get better & live life", one day I'm convinced I can do it, then next I'm damn sure I can't, that I'm worthless piece of...well, you get the points, and suicidal thoughts appear again...

@AndreC

As I said above, I don't believe I do have problems with that. I mean, most people I met online (well, considering I wasn't going out till recently, for the last 4-5 years), I know I will stop talking to them sometime, or vice versa, and sometimes I do have "impulses" so to say, to stop talking to them now since it's gonna happen anyway, but that's about it, and as far I know it's different with BPD.

Well, except SH, not sure. And no, I haven't talked to any of my old friends for over 3 years (: other than that, there's my family (parents & my brother), with who I don't really get along always, but I guess that's normal.

Yep, to be honest, I'm not sure. I do like to be with people, but not always. I guess that's normal as well, I mean I do like to be with people generally, but... sometimes I feel like going to a deserted island and never coming back.

I do miss being with most of the people I've been friends before, but I also feel like I haven't done anything with my life, and talking with them again then, well, doesn't seem like a great idea to me.

I do act like a bit different person around different people, but I try not to mostly. Or at least I think so. As for emptiness, I'm not sure, probably not.

As for emotions, I believe so. I'm not really... empathetic? Or sensitive as some people that I know are. And to be honest, I'm kinda fine with that. Death of people that I know / that were my friends, etc, doesn't unsettle me or anything. And yes, it happens (more than I'd like to admit). Just few days ago (and few hours ago) I reacted, well... badly (slamming the door & yelling), even thought the reason I was "angry" wasn't really a big deal.

I can mostly control it, but not always... depends on the day, I guess.

It's usually anger, and I feel... well, out of control? So to say. Whatever I'm doing at that moment I usually can't finish it, so I mostly go outside to "cool off". It does feel stronger, but it's definitely better than it was before.

Thanks, and good luck to all of you!

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I found out I had BPD when I read about it in the DSM (Diagnostical Statistics Manual) in my pdoc's office, back in 2001. It might also be online.

Abandonment issues and identity issues, along with impulsivity were what clinched my diagnosis. As well as having 4 or more traits in that DSM.

it's healthy to ask questions. I am glad you brought this up. If you are not BPD, there are other forums on this site that might give you the support you deserve.

Carol

[cboxpalace]

Your post does not scream bpd. Self Harm / suicidal gestures are fairly common symptoms / traits of many disorders. The isolation would be more common with depression. Also, mood swings, the inability to concentrate, and self hatred could be depression related. In regards to online friendships/relationships it's not uncommon for those to be short lived. I think you have something going on, but not bpd or any other personality disorder for that matter.

Of course this is only my opinion.

Oh, you replied! I must have missed it, I'm glad I checked the thread again.

Yes, that's different, but I can tell you that my experience with online friends has been the same. The fear of rejection and abandonment doesn't make its presence known to me until I'm fearing for my real-life friendships. I also don't have this fear with family members. I've also been very quick to remove people from my life if I have felt that it was necessary, and in retrospect I think it wasn't always the right decision.

Yes, if it seems normal then it probably is, I would think.

The need to isolate yourself is probably the depression. Not trying to say this is what I think you are, but a lot of people with depression actually have bipolar II or a lesser form. You mentioned some mood disturbances, but not a lot. People with bipolar II are usually much more depressed than anything else, and some rarely have hypomania at all. Still, don't expect it to be bipolar, I think it's a far shot. Just off the bat I can't think of any PD that I think you fit into, which is a good thing. You don't want that diagnosis.

It's normal to act a bit like a different person around different people, especially if you've been isolating yourself and just met people online. If you have troubles recognizing that you are, in fact, the same person across different situations even though you behave differently (i.e. you behave radically differently) then it's definitely an issue.

People are different. Some are more empathetic, others are more rational and can seem cold. Some people are empathetic but don't show it. It's all fine. If you feel totally different it could be a PD. Have you ruled out schizoid? You can rule out schizotypal, because you do want to see other people. Anger is a sign of depression, especially in men, but it is also a prominent feature of bipolar II. At this point I don't believe you have BPD, but you might have issues with some traits of BPD or other personality disorders.

I'd guess your main issue is depression. I'd also guess that it's not a bipolar depression, but it could be. You said you've been like this for a long time, so do you think you've been depressed for more than a couple of years? Have you been sort of blue and uninterested for many years, without being fully depressed? If you've been depressed for 2+ years it's a chronic depression, which means it could very well go away, but it's more serious and you should get treatment for it. If you've been blue and uninterested for many years you could have dysthymia, which is actually also a very serious disorder and you should sooner or later get help for that too. It is possible to have both unipolar/bipolar depression and dysthymia.

Hope this helps. Good luck!