[stargazer111]

Hi, I'm new here...first post. Thought it would be best to just get straight to it. I'm pretty certain I have borderline personality disorder. A therapist suggested it years ago but I brushed it off. Been trying to tell myself nothing is wrong with me, but my issues just keep coming back to bite me in the @$$... I've always felt like I don't know who I am, I don't understand myself, why I have such extreme emotions and can't stand to be alone. I've been going from relationship to relationship with no more than a month in between since I was 13 (I'm 25 now). I'm finally at a point where I absolutely realize that something is not right with me and I cannot move forward in a functional and healthy manner unless I do something about it. This issue is not going away on its own. I find that I'm fine (fine=not suicidal) as long as I'm in a relationship, yet I always end up depressed, bored and unfulfilled and want out. But I never leave until I find someone new, and the cycle continues. In my current relationship, I am very unhappy and I was planning to end it (without having anyone else lined up because I know that's what I need), but as I was about to do it, I was just overwhelmed with emotions (anxiety, extreme fear), and I just couldn't do it. I feel terrible because I know I am using this person, but I know that if I end it I will just end up with someone else, I can't help it, the emotions I feel are just unbearable. The need is so strong I can't control it.

I've been looking into treatment, but I live in such a small town that there aren't any therapists who do dialectical behavior therapy, and I think finding DBT therapists is hard as it is.

I just don't know what to do. I took the first step in acknowledging that I have a problem, and I am completely willing to do anything to overcome it. I am not giving up on myself. But what are my options?

I thought joining a forum and talking about this issue would be a good start.

hi, and welcome to PC: BPD! lol...

if i were you, i'd consider just going in for therapy regardless of whether they have someone who knows about BPD. counseling will help you learn to cope with the anxiety and stress. if your town has any kind of counseling center, take advantage of it until you can find a therapist who DOES know about BPD. you might even be lucky and find someone who already does.

i hope this helps. i've been in and out of therapy since high school (was able to start while in college and am blessed to finally be able to afford it on my own) but yeah...

good luck!

[stargazer111]

Thank you...that's a good point. I should just go see someone. I think there are therapists around here who know about BPD but not DBT so that's at least something. I really wish I could put myself in one of those 30 day programs, like rehab lol. Then I would be forced to be alone (sort of) and to face my issues but I think they're really expensive. Guess I'm just being impatient.

Another thing I'm worried about is if I go see a therapist, if it could interfere later when I am trying to get a job. I'm going to school to be a nurse and so it seems like with that being a medical profession, employers could have more access to my medical records even though they are supposed to be confidential.

Has therapy helped you? I've been in therapy a lot before but for different reasons because I didn't know what the real issue was and no one else did either. I did CBT but all it really did was make me really uncomfortable (I think the therapist had her own weird method). I guess CBT is supposed to help with mindfulness but I never felt comfy with the therapist so never got anywhere.

Can poor communication be a symptom of BPD or is that just me? lol Never been too good at that, I think sometimes I am a compulsive liar even with therapists because I want them to like me :/ I sometimes wonder if I'd make a good actress because I am definitely good at acting like other people or taking on others' personalities. I know MY personality is in here somewhere, but I hate that I'm constantly changing and I know other people notice it and think I'm just weird lol.

Okay sorry for writing so much...I never get to talk about this stuff with anyone...and actually in RL I am very quiet and don't say much anyway but get me typing and I can't stop

[kimberly84]

I have been diagnosed bpd and you sound just like me im not trying to be rude but it helps to know its not just me kinda thing every relationship has been like that for me until the one im in now see my husband always took me back after everytime I cheated this time he said no and it scared the hell out of me and im wondering if im really asking for help for me or just have no other option I don't know how old you are im going to be 30 and it doesn't go away on its own get some help for yourself

[stargazer111]

I don't think you're being rude at all ...it does help somehow to know you're not alone...I guess it makes us feel less crazy lol

I'm 25 and even though I know that's still young, I feel like I'm running out of time! I'm supposed to be settled down working at this age but I still feel like a teenager. I know I've got to get help or I'm afraid I won't be able to function and may end up homeless or something awful :S

weekly therapy sessions helped a lot, but right now it's only once every two weeks and i can't make myself write about what bothers me so i forget by the time i get to the next therapy session (because of course nothing happens until AFTER therapy...)

but anyway...i wouldn't think a medical establishment would have any more access to that sort of thing as anyone else. it's supposed to be completely confidential. you would have to sign a form to allow anyone to view your files. most places just do a typical background check, which only looks at if you were ever in jail or prison, if you have any charges against you, that sort of thing.

now, if you did something that would land you in a psychiatric ward, that might cause problems, but generally it's all confidential and only you and your therapist would know anything about your counseling.