[coolhair]

I've recently started seeing a guy, which is big news for me. I have the big question in my head - no, not marriage, but do I tell him about being borderline?

We've had two dates since we hooked up, and it actually seems like this relationship might go somewhere. I really like him, but before we started seeing each other I was his supervisor (but I'm only a year older than him), which embarrasses me as I'm afraid it would appear unprofessional, and it means I get really paranoid whenever I'm in public with him, and I'm afraid to tell my friends.

Things between us have escalated pretty quickly. Last time he came over I told him I wanted to take things slower, but that didn't happen. Then a few hours after he left I got really angry because I'd let myself down and ended up cutting myself, which he doesn't know about either. So now I have to hide the cuts from him when he comes over at the weekend. And what if he notices?

He's noticed my behaviour is a bit erratic, and has made jokes about being crazy, but I'm terrified that the truth will scare him off. I read somewhere that I should wait until the 10th date, and even then just say things like "I have problems regluating my emotions, with abandonment, etc".

He's really good at being honest and I suck at it.

I really don't want to lie to him, but maybe it's for the best? Maybe I should wait with the honesty until I've known him for longer, or will he resent me for that?

Do you guys have any experience in this area?

I don't think you should tell him right now, and I don't think you technically have to 'lie' to him. It's just withholding private information. Tell him you're afraid of being hurt and that's why you need to take things slowly.

[Ultra Darkness]

I have absolutely NO experience in this area, but I wouldn't advise telling him too much yet.

This is something shared with someone you know you can trust. if it's a new relationship and you're not even 100% sure it's going to be long term, you're not there yet.

[coolhair]

Okay, thanks for the advice. I think I might use

Tell him you're afraid of being hurt and that's why you need to take things slowly.

Because if we break everything down that does seem to be the truth.

Any ideas for if he notices the cuts?

[beautifulfreak]

Hi there, it's only been two dates thus far so maybe give it all some time and take things easy. As for the self-harm, I do that too. I usually post about it in the Self Injury forum though, even though I know it is a big part of having BPD.

Good luck and I hope your relationship works out and that you will be happy.

Originally Posted by coolhair

I read somewhere that I should wait until the 10th date, and even then just say things like "I have problems regluating my emotions, with abandonment, etc".

This is probably good advice. In my experience, telling people about BPD even after a good, long while isn't easy. People don't understand well. There's a huge stigma about mental illness, and BPD isn't like telling someone you deal with something like depression.

I have no experience with SI myself, that would definitely be a good thing to ask about in the SI forum. Best of luck.

i wouldn't tell him about it for a long time. as for the cuts, maybe not let him see them at all? i mean, if they're not in an obvious place (in other words, usually covered by clothes) then there you go, don't do anything that would result in clothing removal. two birds with one stone, haha.

and gonna say this right now, if he's pushing for sex and isn't willing to go slow like you ask, it's not a good idea anyway. that trumps any good qualities if he's not willing to listen. and do not say "well i was letting it go that far" or some other BS like that, because he ought to have enough respect for you that he not let you go that far.

i personally wouldn't have anything to do with him in that way if we were working together, but that's just me and i would absolutely hate it if i were in this sort of bind.

figured i should say that you can take any of this with a grain of salt, doesn't matter, as it's all really just my opinion based on my own experiences.

[poptart316]

I normally tell people right off the bat, like "yep, this is what you're getting yourself into.. take it or leave it" I'm probably doing it all wrong though. Don't do what I do.

I'm learning something from this thread though, maybe I'll change my approach.. thanks guys!

[Evil Schnoodle]

That is a tough situation. I agree to hold off on telling him for now, until you are established a have so trust/ safety. What comes to my mind is 'dignity'. Be yourself..stick to your own boundaries (or else you trigger your own complex emotions). Learn to trust him by how well he respects your boundaries). It is always your choice to tell or not...but if you choose to, you might want to wait until he sees and respects you as s person first. Then he can see you as a person who just happens to be treated for BPD.

And remember, you are not hiding it from him , you are exercising your own choice and power over wheb you tell people your deepest truths. That is self respect and self awareness. Good luck!

[Automatonomatic]

I went out with someone who was BPD who didn't tell me for a good while. She waited until I pretty much found out myself but I never held it against her. I can empathize and it's hard to expect the majority of people you meet to stick around if you have to introduce yourself and your condition every time. I know you probably feel guilty that you are creating a connection that could falter but you have to realize that he has to take some of the responsibility for creating that bond. I was able to understand after she told me her guilt for "sucking me in" like this new guy should too: I chose to take her into my life because I cared about her.

So I don't think you should necessarily put a timeline on it. I do think you should eventually tell him if he's important to you as I'm sure he'll see some of the behavior himself anyway. Of course I was distraught when she told me but I realized that she was still the same person I met. I just began to notice her behavior patterns. Best of luck!

[coolhair]

That's sound advice everyone, thanks. I'll wait until we know each other much better before mentioning it. And yes, if I can get him (and myself) to respect my boundaries then he shouldn't find out about the cuts either, and hopefully then they won't even be triggered. I'll put more emphasis on the "taking it slow" this time.

[coolhair]

Hey, just thought I'd give an update. He is really great. I told him I wanted to take it slow again, and he seems to respect that. He checked whether I was okay, and he wouldn't let me take it any further than last time, even though I'm sure he wanted to. The only problem is I get caught up in the present moment, and can't objectively think whether I want to do something or not, so I tell him everything is good, whereas looking back on it, it makes me feel uncomfortable. So thank the lord he makes me stop before it really would've gone too far!

Ha, beforehand I tried explaining things in terms of present-self and future-self. Only problem is that future-self was then far too convincing and persuasive, and overran past-self's boundaries! I'm my own worst enemy!

Sorry for going on. It just helps to put this stuff out there.