[Happy Camper]

Does anyone ever feel developmentally stunted, as if you're forever stuck with the depth of a small child?

I had problems with hyper sensitivity, shame, and false perceptions/self consciousness by the time I was barely out of diapers (I think it's unusual I can remember that far back but oh well) and growing up I never felt like I had "a self" or perhaps was just too uncomfortable/insecure to form one. I hated being a kid and I hated it when people expected me to misbehave like most other kids at that age. It was hell being this neurotic and sensitive, and I internalized ALL of it. I could never relate to anyone.

I'm nearly 20 now and still, the only clear differences I can see between myself and my 2-6 year old self are more mature thought processes and not nearly as much random shame, which is to say I don't feel much has changed since I was born. I still feel like an unformed lump of clay and I don't even attempt relationships. With my high school friends (all have moved on by now) I would sort of compensate by mirroring them or acting a certain way around them that wasn't real.

It's like I was born wired wrong, and years of hidden negative reactivity crippled me. There was no way at the age of 12 (my first true breakdown) that they would recognize it as borderline pd, but 7 years later I feel just as empty and soulless, but much more tired and burned out from it all. I don't even have the diagnosis because they think it's a mood disorder due to poor communication, but it's only a small part.

Maybe I was never a child to begin with? I know I was never a teenager. It's especially odd for me feeling like a kid who has yet to become their own person while also being told and feeling as if I have an "old soul."

Yeah. I feel like I'm about 11 years old.

[GenCat]

Yes, I am commonly asked by my T how old do I feel. All my life I never got the chance to just be a kid and now, I'm a young adult and I feel like I'm stuck in the ages of 4-8. Sometimes I want to scream and cry like a 4 yr old, other times I'm overly sensitive and take things people say way out of context and to heart.

I have also been constantly told I am an "old soul". When I was a teenager I never did anything like my age group did. Never dressed, acted, or thought like a teen. All the adults liked me because of this, I was wiser beyond my years. I hated being different, but now I like being different than others my age.

I usually feel like a child. I definitely don't feel like I'm the age that I am, which is 35. I don't feel that I react to things in an adult manner sometimes. I was just accused of acting like a baby by someone yesterday and you know what? I was. My behavior was totally childish. But when I feel cornered or like I'm about to be rejected or heck, sometimes even just bored the childish reactions come out. It's just awful.

[Happy Camper]

Originally Posted by GenCat

I have also been constantly told I am an "old soul". When I was a teenager I never did anything like my age group did. Never dressed, acted, or thought like a teen. All the adults liked me because of this, I was wiser beyond my years. I hated being different, but now I like being different than others my age.

I had a similar experience with adults liking me. Looking back, I think they misinterpreted my quietness and good behavior as signs of a respectful and well adjusted kid. I just wanted to avoid as much conflict as possible.

In addition to feeling emotionally stunted, I've never really allowed myself to express my emotions, and over the years I've grown detached from them, as if I no longer process them consciously (yet I'm clearly and negatively affected by them). I read about a term some people use called alexithymia, which seems to describe me somewhat. Being a guy, especially large/tall, I've always pretended not to be squishy, but even more so it would never be acceptable for me to rage or let loose.

I wonder if it's still possible to learn to feel older. I still feel like a preschooler (5 year old).

[Phreak]

It's not uncommon. Have you tried discussing it with your T?

It's typically as far as I'm aware normally attributable to abuse or other trauma.

Phreak

[Happy Camper]

Originally Posted by Phreak

It's not uncommon. Have you tried discussing it with your T?

It's typically as far as I'm aware normally attributable to abuse or other trauma.

I was never abused, but I always put everyone else's feelings above my own. It seems like the focus of my life has been avoiding or anticipating negative feelings. Around age 12 was when I fell apart completely and never really recovered. It was in a sense traumatic to me. Part of my problem is that I have almost no resilience to negative thoughts and experiences, but like many people on here, I can do that chameleon thing where no one can see anything wrong with you (which in turn covers it up and people either don't understand what is wrong with you, or they even try to marginalize what you're going through).

I brought it up today with my NP (nurse practitioner that prescribes meds). He didn't really have an opinion but he referred me for therapy and a clinical evaluation to sort out my diagnosis and decide how to approach treatment.