I have so much to change

I have been in a relationship for over 5 years now. I feel like I have so much wrong with me now. I honestly don't think he likes anything about me anymore. I have a list of things that I need to work on or change for him to even like me again. Most people would tell me to leave. But, I feel like I deserve this. There have been months in our relationship where we haven't been together and during those times I would go out and act "single." Nothing terrible, but I would go out with friends or even dancing. Once, I had a stupid fling with an ex...but all of this was when we weren't together. Somehow, we always found our way back to each other and he always wanted to be back together too. Now, he uses these things from the past against me anytime he wants to. I feel like I don't do anything right. Pretty soon, I know I will change so much that I wont even be me anymore. I will be some shell of a person. It is already happening and I cant seem to stop it.

I'm sorry for the long post.

No problem about the long post! You're just expressing your feelings

Now in my opinion, if you aren't happy you should let him go, because its ultimately about your happiness. And me and my ex spent time apart and I never went out and "acted single" that says to me that you were trying to escape your current situation. You should just get out now and save yourself the grief you are going through now and take the time to work on the things you want to improve upon yourself. Take some "me" time and work things out. But most of all be kind and gentle to yourself. *Gentle Hugs*

You can work on things you want to change without changing the core part of you and he shouldn't be holding things against you if they were done when you were single. IMO this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

I know, I really wish he didn't. And I never did anything bad it was more just like going out with friends on the weekends and stuff. I really wish I could find a way to make everything better.

Well, when I say "acting single" I mean I went out with friends on the weekends which I don't do now or anytime really when we were together. I wasn't escaping the situation he pushed me out of it, so instead of being alone all the time, I tried to focus my mind on other things. I just don't like having past things held against me and feeling like I need to follow a list of things that I shouldn't do. I want to feel loved for who I am. Even though I'm not perfect. I was hoping I could improve myself while still being in this relationship, but maybe that isn't possible.

Where is this list coming from - you or him? If you want to change things about yourself that you don't like, that's a wonderful (and hard) thing and takes a lot of courage and dedication. But having someone genuinely like you shouldn't be conditional on you changing who you are. Sometimes we have characteristics and/or behaviors that make it hard for someone to be with us, and sometimes those things need to change if we truly want to be with that other person, but if the feeling is genuine, that person will like you no matter what.


I would be unhappy if someone did that to me and I'm sorry this is happening to you. Everyone probably has some moment(s) in their past - large or small, purposeful actions with intent or mistakes - that they don't like all that much and no one deserves to have their face rubbed in those times.

It seems like you are unhappy with the thought of losing so much of yourself. Are there people in your life that you can spend time with who accept and like you just the way you are? We all deserve relationships like that, even though they may be hard to come by.

Thank you for your reply. He is the one who has (what feels like) a list of things that he doesn't like that I do. He has made comments stating that if he doesn't want something in his life, he will just leave. I don't want him to leave so I feel like I need to make sure I have done all I can do. I absolutely hate having my past mistakes rubbed in my face, especially when he was the one who came back and wanted to work on things. It feels like I used to be worth it to him then but now I'm not. He has told me that before, as well. I really don't think he meant it...but it hurts just the same. I feel like if I'm really that bad then why is he still here? I'm afraid to ask that, though because what if he decides then and there to leave me? And there are a few people who accept me...less than I can count on one hand. I am thankful for the people like that who I do have in my life. I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with and a lot of people don't understand what I go through in my head on a daily basis. Or the reason why I do or say certain things. I am thankful to be on here now because its really nice being able to talk to people who are kind and understanding. Thank you!

What have you said to him about the situation? I've been in a similar relationship and my current one has its occasional bouts of issues like this, although it is not bad and we've both realized we need to be more mature and realistic about things. We know that there are some things we just need to tolerate and also some things that we need to change to accommodate one another. Communication is the best key in any relationship as well as the willingness to give and take a little. How often do you discuss your feelings to one another?

Sending you big hugs

Hard to tell with little info and not knowing him but it sounds like he doesn't have a great understanding of you. And I would usually say if you are not happy you should leave but you have 5 yrs of history together. Have you sat dopwn and spoke to him about these things?

I have told him that certain things aren't easy for me to deal with. He knows all about my insecurities and my history. He knows everything. I try to discuss things more but most of the time he seems to get agitated so I have just started writing things down. I have asked if its possible for us to both work on fixing things together, but he usually says that until he sees changes from me, that he isn't doing anything different. It is a lot of pressure and it makes me sad.

I have tried on several occasions to sit down and talk about how I feel. I try to explain to him the best way I can. Most times, he doesn't want to talk and just gets angry and then that leaves me completely panicked because I feel like I need to try and fix things.

Oh honey He really doesn't sound understanding and I know it's something required to make a close relationship work

You can't let the sadness go on, you will need to make a decision at some point....

I understand that feeling of wanting to fix things when a significant other is angry with you....it also leaves me in a panic!

Do you think couples therapy would help?

I am going to suggest that to him and see if he is interested in doing that. I think if he isn't, then a decision definitely will have to be made. I have made my fair share of mistakes but I don't feel like I should have to live with them held over my head for the rest of my life.

No you shouldn't at all babe! The past should be kept in the past! It's not fair he brings it up to you especially since you feel bad about stuff yourself. I so hope he agrees to couples therapy. If you were seriously thinking of leaving him but willing to give him another chance through couples therapy, maybe tell him that. I so hope it works out for you. We're all here for you in the meantime

Thank you, allme! I appreciate all your kind words and thoughts! I hope it works out too!

No worries

Let us know what happens once you have spoken to him ....and good luck!

Sounds like he's using things to guilt you into doing what he wants, whether that be conforming to his rules or keeping you in the relationship or what not... it doesn't matter, the past is the past and this is truly controlling behavior, typically something that happens to people with bpd, IMO. I have been there and tbh I'm glad I'm out of the relationship. My ex, I was with for 13+ years.. some stuff happened when we were first married and she never stopped holding those things in the early days over my head. Always made it sound like she expected me to step out on her and I never had. She even held over my head when I was tempted by another girl during my previous marriage! Which in effect doesn't affect her at all. Thing is I never cheated with my first wife either, in fact I confessed that I ws even attracted to this other girl before anything ever happened! I did that to both my wife at the time and the girl, who was completely caught by surprise that I ws even attracted to her.. but still it was held over my head.

You say "acted single" but other than the fling which doesn't count since you weren't together, you did nothing wrong. You should be allowed to go out, dance or whatever you want as long as it's just friends and you're not looking for something. Doesn't sound like you were. You need to have confidence in that and just tell him "I did nothing wrong, and you have no reason to hold it over my head" and just make your stand there. He's being manipulative, although you haven't stated what he gets out of it, it's what he's doing.

You should change only for reasons that come from you, not for anyone else, I dont' care who they are. Even in the best situation where someone is treating you well, changing for them is wrong. If you change to better yourself and they benefit, that's different but never ever ever change for others.. you'll never be happy that way and if he truly expects you to change in order to love you or stay with you... kick the dust off your shoes and be on your way. That's my advice.

I agree completely, but wanted to add that one of the only things that you get from changing for someone else is a big heaping helping of resentment toward that other person. You may not feel this way today, or tomorrow, but eventually you will wonder where "you" went and hold resentment toward the other person for making you change.

Thank you so much. That hit home. I guess he just has a way of making me feel like I owe him...because of the past mistakes I made. He also knows a whole lot about me and knows exactly what to say to knock me down. Like, "you aren't worth it". I wish I could have a clean slate, of sorts. I would like to be happy in a relationship and even though he says otherwise, I think I am a good person. Just a little rough around the edges . But I know its wrong to change for someone else...I guess I feel like I have no other option. I am afraid to be all alone and on my own. And I'm afraid in the future I'll look back and ask myself why I didn't try harder? Why I didn't do everything I could to fix things?

I agree. I sometimes think it is already starting to happen. This might sound crazy, but he hates when I buy alcohol to drink at home because he thinks it could lead to me going off and doing something wrong. But, I am 26 years old and I never go out, I never do anything. So, at night I have wine and it is just something I enjoy. Now, I don't even buy that. I feel like at some point, I wont have anything I enjoy. Because if he doesn't like it and I keep doing it...he will leave. And that scares me.

first, you are a good person, i'm sure of it. just from the short post, it shows you do have a good heart, but like everyone you're not perfect. if that's what you mean by rough around the edges I guess most of us here are

Take this to heart. it is scary to face the world alone and I'm not saying this is what you should do. I mean I can't say from this little bit of information but if you decide to take it from me, there is much hope in that. One of the best thigns that happened to me is life forcing me to face it alone... just me and my boys. I had to do everything and take care of them and myself. It was very scary and I will say it had it's very rough moments but to be completely honest, I would do it all again to get to where I am. It ws worth it. truly, you can if you have to, get through it.. and you'll be better for it if you do make it through

Thanks again! I have a lot of choices to make. I am going to try and take it slow because if I jump into anything I always end up panicky because I worry about the decision I made. Being confident and strong in myself is not something I am so good at. But I am going to try really hard. I know if I really put my mind to it and believe in myself, I can make it

Good luck, I'm sure you can do whatever you need to

You know something, this is totally an abusive relationship and wish you so much more! I would rather be alone than in an abusive relationship....I wish you so much happiness, you deserve more