Sliding...

I know no one can really help me, but I'm sliding bad today. I feel extremely lonely and paranoid and this begins to lead to irrational thoughts. I'm not trying to complain...I hate complaining. I don't know what I'm doing here. I just want it to stop. I got almost no sleep last night and I'm stuck in front of the computer listening to sound snippets all day. I'm basically ignored at home and I'm too brain dead to do anything productive but I'm in front of the computer wishing to have something to do or someone to talk to. Just complaining....sigh. Sorry....

Days like you have described are the worst. We care about you, and are "hear" for you. I'm glad that you were able to post about your feelings and troubles. I hope things get better for you as the day goes on.

I tried to talk to my husband. Told him that I didn't think I could go on much longer. All he could say was I needed to get a teaching job.

I wrote down the name, address, and phone number of the closest hospital with a mental health unit and I'm keeping the info on me. Might be using it soon.

I'm scared.....

It is really hard when we feel like we can't helped, Just yesterday I told my Pdoc how I had been feeling bearing in mind this was an emergency appointment I did not feel listened to, He said "They are just thoughts" I always keep my thoughts to myself and when I tell someone it's like they brush it off so I can't win.

Maranara I know the thought of hospital is scary I am terrified of them too, I have been asked if I want to go in myself but I have refused but if you need to for your own safety then do what you think is best for you.

I think that if you have got to the point of writing down the hospital details you know that you need more help. It sure sounds like your husband isn't providing that support you so desperately need.

Having done the hospital thing myself, I know that it sucks...but if it gets you through this bad time then it's what you have got to do.

So sorry it has got bad I hope you are feeling somewhat better by the time you read this and you didn't have to go into hospital. Never been myself, but at times I seriously should have!

Wishing you all the best

I so wish I could help. It occurs to me again and again that while all the good will and empathy here can make a lot of difference, it is really the loved ones who have the real power to help.
That is; if they are willing to - or mostly even just understand what's going on in the first place.
So sorry about your husband's attitude. No judgment though.

Edda

I'm sorry Maranara. Just remember you're feelings are totally valid and that there are good days and bad days and you can accept the bad day and know it doesn't mean tomorrow will be a bad day too.

((((Mara))))

Have you been inpatient before? The hospital where I live is merely a babysitting service, but the staff was really nice and for some, it's just a nice break away from family and their obligations. You have been thinking about this for awhile; it may be worth a try. What have you got to lose? And you'll get a break from your unsupportive spouse; it must be really hard to take, like being alone in a crowd -- I'd rather be alone by myself than alone with a bunch of people around who are indifferent. If that makes sense. IMO hubby is contributing to making you feel crazy by denying that there's any possibility that you could be.

The hospital ward can be very beneficial. Sometimes when it feels like no one around you (even ones closet to you) are not being supportive and act as though you are more of an "interruption" of their day-to-day activities, it's best to isolate yourself from those negative influences. It helped me a lot. It's much more difficult to do when you are on your own and have a cell phone in hand. Those can be dangerous; during the desperate search for someone, anyone, to support you, it leads to the constant checking of the phone to see if anyone "gives a damn." And the anticipation can sometimes lead to disappointment, which only makes the anxiety and loneliness even worse.

I wanted to let everyone know that I'm okay, but that I won't be able to participate for a few days. I am very, very rollercoasterish and can go from okay to rock bottom very, very fast and when I'm working long hours I find this place very, very triggering. I do nothing all day except sit in front of the computer doing my work and going on PC and, I can't describe it, but it makes me feel very, very alone and then the other thoughts start creeping in.

I want to thank everyone for your kind thoughts as I continue to battle my inner demons.

As for the hospital near me, they were recommended to me by my T and according to the website, they have a very nice psych department. I hope I don't have to go but I'm not at all certain it's not going to come to that. The only reason I haven't is because the moods change so fast....

I am working straight until next Friday, then I'm taking some time off regardless of whether my husband wants me to or not. This job is literally killing me....

I can't stick around on any given day, but I'll try to drop in now and then just to let you know how I'm doing......not that it won't be totally different five minutes later.

Rollercoasters are a nightmare, I hope your mood becomes more stable soon for you

Good luck for the week ahead, you definitely deserve the break when it gets to Friday!

Having been in a job that I felt was killing me I think you have to work out if it is really worth all the grief. Does the money outweigh your sanity and your wellbeing? For me it didn't and when I was getting dangerously close to the edge I handed in my notice. While I understand you have bills to pay etc it may be more difficult for you but probably worth it IMO.

And if you're not working around the clock you have more time for you, and more time to find the job that would suit you better

Hang in there though, you can do this!

I' sorry for you about your husband brushing you off like that. I also think maybe a hospital stay would be good for you if you already wrote down the number etc... I recently had a weeks stay in the hospital pshyc ward at the local hospital, and i couldn't believe how different and better in the way patients are treated now a days. The only thing was that we couldn't smoke ciggarrettes, but got the patch.You also said you were up all night so that could be the reason you don't feel ok today, i know my sleep habits lead me to the hospital too.Please take a long nap if possible and maybe you'll feel alot better!!