[TheRealFDeal]

I wonder if anyone (or several people) can provide me some insight.

I'm the youngest of five, I'm middle-aged, single and childless, and my parents are in their 80s. We are not a particularly close family and I've never been close with my parents. But the older and more frail they get, the more they seem to "need to see me." I do not understand this. I do not need to see them. I know they love me, but I do not feel it. I know they did their best with me, but their best was woefully inadequate. I know I must love them just because they are my parents, but I don't feel that either.

I see them and the rest of my family on birthdays and holidays; that is more than enough togetherness for me.

A few months ago, I agreed to meet them for lunch. It was excruciating. None of us are talkers, and both my parents are hard of hearing. Even though they invited me, I felt and took the responsibility for trying conversation. I'm a quiet person by nature and conversation only comes easily after I feel really comfortable with someone.

Now I have agreed to meet them for lunch on Saturday. I'm so dreading it, but I have decided that I'm not going to bear the burden of the conversation. If we are quiet, I have decided that I'm going to let that be and try not to feel bad about it. Maybe they mean it literally when they say they need to see me -- they just need to physically see me and convince themselves that I'm OK. Maybe it just has something weird to do with how long they have left.

I guess I'm so bothered by this because I can't avoid them. My dad calls me at least once a month; I always let it go to voicemail and then dread having to call him back. I have tried not returning his call, but he chastized me and I realized it was disrespectful. It's just there's nothing to talk about and I have to pretend to be fine. I am not fine; my life is a mess and I am suffering many losses. It's a great drain to put on the front of being fine; this I know most of you can relate to, because I see it expressed in so many posts.

Avoiding them does not work, and I would like to find some peace with this before they die.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Wow. That's a difficult place to be. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that they are thinking that they might not have much time left. No two people's experience is exactly the same, but since you have asked for insight, let me tell you a little about mine. I grew up in a VERY dysfunctional family and throughout my mother's life I had to deal with her every single day. Sometimes several times a day. At the time, I would have loved it if she had called me only once a month and expected to see me only a couple times a year (other than holidays). Both of my parents are dead now. Despite everything, I miss them. You mention that you feel you have to pretend that everything is fine. Can you tell your parents that everything is not fine? You mentioned that you were childless. As a mother of two, I can tell you that when things are not right with your child you know it, whether they say anything or not. Perhaps they have the sense that things are not going well for you and they are doing what they can to be there for you. Or perhaps they know that they were not the parents that they should have been and are trying to make amends to you the only way that they know how. Just something to consider. IMO they only way you will ever find peace with this is to drop the front that you say you are putting on and try to be honest with them about how you are feeling and what is going on in your life. But just remember that you do not HAVE to do anything, including love them.

[allme]

I am not close to my mum but am close to my dad, he calls me every couple of days. But what we have, that my mum and I don't, is honesty. I am honest if I can't speak or see him cause I don't feel well or just simply not in the mood to talk. Maybe you need to let them know you're not feeling it right now and not coping. Sounds like too much effort to see them this Saturday to me. Don't make yourself feel worse, there is no harm in putting it off for a little while.

I know it may be hard to be upfront with how you feel but I started doing this with my dad and our relationship has improved tenfold.

Wishing you the best!

[TheRealFDeal]

If they were younger, I might consider sharing more. But I just feel that they are too old, can't handle it, can't understand it and I know they won't know what to do/say. And I'm positive that my mother absolutely does NOT want to know. She cannot handle anything emotional. When I had to tell my family a couple of years ago that my SO and I had broken it off, I saw my mother look off in the distance and disengage -- it was visible. She never said anything about it or even attempted a hug. My father, on the other hand, wanted to know all the details and I was able to tell him in no uncertain terms that he was not ever going to get any. He wants to know, but more out of curiosity, he doesn't know how to respond in a supportive way.