[Scorpio Eyes]

Well, hey there. I know I don't come here often, anymore. When I first came, I was half-hoping for someone to be able to help. That was quickly reminded to be naive and foolish. I do care about you guys, but posting is hard on me. Emotionally exhausted, more every day. So, I stay away, because I'm really sick of this feeling. That I'm the one who can't do anything for anyone. Who's all take and take and take and no give. The one that no one ever wants anything to do with. But, I need to talk to someone right now. I like swords... but, I don't need it. But I do. I needed it.

So, this weekend was spent at an anime convention. I gyped work on the third day, just to make sure I could be there the whole time. That, and I've been really sick. Still coughing up green phlegm and blowing out green mucus. Why did I go to this stupid con when I was this sick? Because, my friends promised it'd be fun. Three days with a bunch of anime nerds and friends I see maybe once every two months. Did I enjoy myself? More than I have in a very long time. So, at the very least, I'm not so lost I can't enjoy myself. Rampant mood swings and a horrible cough aside, I had a good time. Still have crap impulse control, though. Why did I spend forty five dollars on a sword?

Sometimes, even if I was with people I actually enjoy being with, doing things I actually enjoy doing, and having no reason to be anything but happy, I was sad. Something would happen, someone would say something, or the hordes of people would just get to be too much. Some of my friends actually caught wind of this at one point, I wish they'd get a better idea. My moods are malleable. Last night, around eight or nine, we're all at Steak and Shake, eating. I'm laughing like a jack***, making a series of rapidly fired, hilariously disgusting and perverted jokes, making all of my friends laugh... and then I get this feeling of being dirty. "I must be a terrible person, it's no wonder she left and thinks I'm a jerk. No wonder they all left. Hey, that stack of pancakes is freaking huge! I would eat the crap out of them!" And after a five minute sad-sack, a picture of twenty-four pancakes on a napkin dispenser suddenly got my mental associations working, and I'm back to this weird content mood I can't properly explain. Then my friend to the right of me is takes one too many cheap shots at me and I'm suddenly tempering my anger and looping my thumbs in my belt, so I don't "accidentally" punch him in the face. About ten minutes. This is awesome. Randomly changing moods that freak out my loved ones. I may need new glasses, but I'm not so blind in any sense of the word that I can't see the "what the Hell is up with him?" glances going around the table. Or the couch. Or the dance floor. Or the hallway. Or the car.

Last night, when I got home, I was talking to a friend. She said that the things I worry about are "nothing". That they're stupid and ultimately unimportant. It got me thinking. Do I worry about this senseless crap to keep my real problems from overwhelming me? "There's a cute girl at work I'm too scared to talk to" seems easier than "I'm seventy thousand dollars in debt and I have no idea what to do". My rapidly failing health, my teeth that keep breaking apart and falling out for a half dozen reasons, the complete abandonment from my family, my inability to maintain a job, my inability to finishing applying to college because of political crap, my immense and only building debt, my complete lack of mental stability, and my general godawful luck at all things in this world: those seem like seriously distressing problems. Being in denial by concentrating on the impulses of my genitalia seems like a reasonable, if unhealthy, way to cope.

Pretty much refusing to acknowledge my problems in any real way is how I cope. There's very little I can do about it. I'm trying to manage working, but it just never works out. A lot of it is circumstance and a lot of it is my mental health. And physical health. Sometimes I feel like crap and just really don't want to go. Like why I missed half of senior year. And at least two thirds of high school in general. College is a little beyond my control. When I get my own tax papers, maybe they'll let me enter those, besides my parents. Who hate me and won't give me paperwork. Paperwork. I lost my medicaid and my father took me off insurance. So, I can't even get my surgery now. My teeth hurt like crazy and I can't even get help. Why on Earth would I want to focus on these things? Am I the only one with utterly warped perspectives and priorities? Probably.

You remember that girl I've been whining about for a long time? Well, I finally got back in touch with her. I apologized. I gave her my absolute most sincere and genuine apology. She gave me a chance to prove myself to her. So, we've been doing this kind of really hard for me relationship. She's made it clear she doesn't trust me and says I out and out have to earn it. Which is reasonable. I want to prove it to her. I'm terrified of screwing up and she claims I live in the past too much. She thinks I'm just wallowing in my guilt and self-hatred, which keeps me from living in the present.

"No one is blaming you for anything anymore. You apologized and I accepted. Let it go."

Never has she said she forgave me, but she expects me to forgive myself. She actually keeps throwing stuff at me like "You disappeared for six months and didn't give a damn. Why should I believe you?" I thought... not holding against me... what. She claims she's not just waiting for me to screw up and she's not angry, but even though she knows me so well, she just thinks I'm a spastic idiot who doesn't even try to control himself. These emotions are a ****ing nightmare. I've tried to explain it to her that I'm sick.
"What are you doing about it?"
"A lot."
Then, the same thing every time we start communicating. "I don't want to have this conversation." What am I doing wrong? Besides everything. She says she wants me to just act like myself. Like I am with my other friends. How am I not going to walk on eggshells when we have so much history she just doesn't seem to care about?
"You think I just see you a mistake and that's not true."
She's used those exact words to describe everything. I may live in the past, but she can't just pretend it never happened. That it meant nothing.

Yeah, the things I worry about are nothing. I'm an idiot and a wreck. What did I hope to accomplish from this? Not really much. Just to vent. To people who may understand. Because the people I love most never will be able to.

I get it...and there's nothing more painful than apologizing and someone not saying "I forgive you" or when they refuse to apologize when they do something blatantly wrong. I'm actually kinda in the same boat...isn't that funny? Never receive an apology though I was not the only one at fault, let's pretend nothing ever happened, and that any emotions were ever there, and that my apologies are spoken on the wind. Yep. And now...I can't even believe that anyones cares, here or elsewhere. Just in that kind of mood...lucky me! I know I did load to cheer you up, put out a lot of positive vibes here. (Sarcasm intended.) That's why I'm not saying much of anything right now, but I think you'll see the point if it's still there: you're not alone.

[AngelWolf3]

I don't have a lot to say today, and for that I am sorry, but I wanted to let you know that your post was read, and I am thinking of you. I wish I could offer more.....

I feel you man. I know exactly what you mean with "refusing to acknowledge problems" and focusing on the unimportant. I do that off and on too... I get all gung ho and plan to do something about all those big problems i have to face and then mood changes and i'm back to avoiding them all over again. It's a very chaotic life, I know.

I can't say I relate lately to the friends so much since I pretty much don't hang out with anyone not even every couple of months anymore. A lot of it is circumstance, being out would require being able to be out and about and right now I'm still without a vehicle. but even online, where my social life is -- in chat rooms I see the symptoms too. I keep thinking everyone is probably going "wtf is wrong with him?" Overreacting to everthing is just a common occurrence for me.

I hate that I can relate to the relationship with your gf. I hate it because it brings up so many memories in my 13 year marriage. At good times she would say "i've seen you've changed to much since we were first together" then when she was angry about something I did - it would all come bubbling back up to the surface. Things I did the first 2 years we were together and she'd remind me like it was yesterday. What that means? She hadn't forgiven me. Forgiving means not holding it over someone's head anymore. I won't say forget because we don't forget and it's not a conscious thing, but it does mean letting it go so it isn't an issue that is used anymore in a fight. That's how I feel. So in essence what I'm saying is, I know how you feel. I wish I could say what to do about that but frankly we can't change the other person. Only keep doing what you can to do the right thing in every way possible. Don't beat yourself up for the things of the past but remember them enough that you keep going the right direction with her. Remember everyday that she gave you this 2nd chance and let that be the thing that lifts your spirit.

Hope things get better, my friend.
*manhug to ya*
~S4

[embellished]

I'm a scorpio too,was in a relationship with a borderline scorpio man(who now wants to be 'just friends' and is repulsed by the idea of being touched in any way and I respect his wishes now) and the story of the relationship is almost the same as yours.He ended things because 'I got too emotional' but I am not mad at him because I know what emotional upheaval you guys face every second.

I researched BPD extensively and have now understood why a BPD patient behaves the way he/she does.There are many things which cause you pain but the biggest of them all is not being loved and cared for on an emotional level.

I am a scorpio too and nothing is more important to me than embedding my emotions in someone and having them reciprocated so totally understand where you're coming from.

Even though you don't visit it much,feel free to write in to me anytime you want to vent or when the pain becomes too much and you want to scream your lungs out but there is nobody to hear or give you a hug.

I'll be there for you.Take care.

Hugs,

Embellished