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#26
Nov 09, 2013, 10:09 PM
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you are not a monster, but that is very screwed up and unfair on everyone else that they have to look after you , just because you feel you are not getting enough attention.
you are stronger, kinder, and more beautiful than you know on the inside take a look and try and find it. perhaps try and practice random acts of kindness this will get you attention in a good way. take care |
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#27
Nov 10, 2013, 02:45 PM
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Hi I'm new here and I just wanted to say reading your post made me feel better because I do that all the time!!! I always have, and always feel guilty about it. Something horrible happens to me, but not too physically painful cause it IS a fantasy, and suddenly people are there for me in ways they never have been and I live happily ever after yadda, yadda, yadda. Other times I have fantasies where I am the hero and everybody worships me instead but it's all about the attention either way. I have never, ever told anyone, not even a T these things. Thanks for saying it first so I could.
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 atomicc
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#28
Nov 10, 2013, 03:39 PM
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I do this too. Not like I used to, but I used to imagine what my friends and family would do if I were hurt badly or died and how they'd all wish they were nicer and then they would all finally start being better to me.
Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk
__________________
 Am I the only one I know, waging my wars behind my face and above my throat? Diagnosed: BPD PTSD |
| atomicc
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#29
Nov 10, 2013, 03:54 PM
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I see imagine tragedies all the time
 At times its me fantasizing about my funeral and how everyone would be affected. Other times its intrusive thoughts about me or people around me getting hurt or turning homicidal. I wish this wasnt part of my thoughts. It bothers me that my mind goes there because it would freak the average person out. Always thought I was the only one.  Your not a monster  We just admit what the rest deny 
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| atomicc
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#30
Nov 10, 2013, 04:05 PM
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I'm not Borderline (although lots of online tests reveal that I have borderline traits) but I do the same thing quite often - as an adult.
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A majorly depressed, anxious and dependent, schizotypal hypomanic beautiful mess ...[just a rebel to the world with no place to go...  ]
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| atomicc
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#31
Nov 11, 2013, 07:06 AM
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You are not alone in this at all. Not sure if it's BPD related, but it wouldn't shock me to find it out that it is.
It's sort of an escape where people care, in a world where you feel they don't. |
| atomicc, IGotThis
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#32
Nov 11, 2013, 10:34 AM
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I appreciate so much all of you that told me you feel the same. It may be BPD thing after all. and thank you for saying I am not alone or awful.
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Allie Diagnosed: Generalized Anxiety Disorder & Obsessive Compulsive Disoder. Previous: Borderline Personality Disorder. I no longer qualify for a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, but there will always be my borderline traits that I struggle with especially during times of great stress. I've been working passionately as a therapist since December 2016
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 Beyond The Pale
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| Angel of Bedlam
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#33
Nov 12, 2013, 12:33 AM
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You aren't alone and no one is as strange as they think they are- trust me.
 Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk
__________________
Am I the only one I know, waging my wars behind my face and above my throat? Diagnosed: BPD PTSD |
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#34
Nov 12, 2013, 11:09 AM
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I do this... I think about crashing my car outside of a friend's house, so when she comes out, she'll take care of me again... I think about sitting cross legged in the middle of the street and calling her to come out, so she'll beg me to get up and walk away... I think for me, I feel really lost when it comes to things with her, because she is very quickly running away after taking care of me for so long, and I just want to matter to her again... But I do that with different people, too.... I don't actually do them, but I fantasize about all of these thing that would make them care again....
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“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" |
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#35
Nov 12, 2013, 11:14 AM
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I have these kinds of thoughts all the time. I don't think that any of us here are monsters. We're just people who are trying to figure out how to get along in a world where we are in the minority. Hang in there girl!!!
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I have heard about your "normal" and it does not sound like fun to me. |
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#36
Nov 12, 2013, 11:16 AM
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Quote:
Don't know for sure if it's just BPD. We talk about these kinds of feelings a lot in my women's AA group. The difference is the motivation. Here we are talking about wanting people to take care of us, in AA it is often about getting even, as in "I'll hurt myself and then they'll be sorry".
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I have heard about your "normal" and it does not sound like fun to me. |
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#37
Nov 12, 2013, 11:17 AM
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Quote:
I actually got started with SI for the same reason... Every time I start to get better, and they step away, I want to be bad again so they will stay, but instead, I get worse, and they keep walking away...
__________________
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" |
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#38
Nov 18, 2013, 03:10 PM
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I...DO...THIS...
I have been doing it a lot lately too. I was ashamed of myself for accusing my husband of having an affair and he got mad and I thought he was going to leave me and I went to get pizza and begged god to let me get hit on the freeway and injured pretty good so he woud realize how he could lose me so quickly and take care of me and never leave me... so I know what youre going through... It makes me sad, I can't stop it, I can't control it. I have been looking into mindfullness therapy and actually did some meditative mindfullnes this morning, but I ended up having suicidal thoughts all morning and wanting to drive into a ****ing building. I don't know waht to do about this, I am going to talk to my pdoc about it next week. I have never told anyone because, well, no one would understand. I'm sorry this is going on with you too, I wish I had a success story and a solution, all I can say is I feel you.
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"I may be on the side of the angels, but don't think for one second that I am one of them."
-SH |
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#39
Nov 18, 2013, 04:50 PM
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YES. I don't have a diagnosis of BPD (I'm in the process of being evaluated) but I have done this since I was very young and it's haunted me for YEARS. It's basically my biggest fear that someone will find out that I do this and confirm my suspicion that I'm a terrible person. It's a huge relief to know I'm not the only one. Phew!
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#40
Nov 19, 2013, 08:40 AM
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No it doesn't make you a monster, it's something you picked up when you were young.
So chin up! You're fine.
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#41
Nov 19, 2013, 08:59 AM
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Quote:
__________________
"I may be on the side of the angels, but don't think for one second that I am one of them."
-SH |
| peacefulplace
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| IGotThis
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#42
Nov 19, 2013, 09:51 AM
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Quote:
__________________
“Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light" |
| Side of the Angels
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#43
Nov 19, 2013, 04:28 PM
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Quote:
Maybe it is an escape from the real pain.
__________________
I am not this hair, I am not this skin. I am the soul that lives within.
Prozac 40mg, Neurontin 400 mg TID, Remeron 45mg depression, anxiety, borderline, social phobia, ed nos, self injury. |
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#44
Nov 20, 2013, 06:09 PM
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We all sound pretty normal for the situation we're all in. We're gunna be ok.
))
__________________
"I may be on the side of the angels, but don't think for one second that I am one of them."
-SH |
| beloiseau
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#45
Nov 20, 2013, 07:01 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Mags Depression diagnosed March 1996 PTSD diagnosed January 2000 BPD diagnosed September 2013 |
| beloiseau
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#46
Nov 21, 2013, 06:25 PM
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I am new here and until I read this thread yesterday I thought for 23 years that I was the only one "bent in the head" enough to do this.. What a relief!!
I have felt so ashamed of my fantasies.. Whilst I never have "wished" they would happen I find I indulge.. Most of mine are about bad things happening to people I am close to and I either come in and save the day or I pack my bag and head for Tibet to deal with the trauma.. I think about these things to a point where I find I have tears dripping down my cheeks ..thats when I give myself a buttkicking for such morbid self indulgent thoughts and find something else to do.. Again...sooooo relieved to here that its not uncommon...
__________________
"I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened". - Mark Twain. |
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