[atomicc]

Recently I had been triggered into thinking of an incident of sexual assault that went on for over a year when I was 13 (http://forums.psychcentral.com/survi...assault-2.html) Since then I have been lead by my brain to other uncomfortable thoughts that I do not think about. I was also taken advantage of one I was 19. I did not say no to them, for one they had driven with me to a secluded place far from my house, given me alcohol, and then proceeded to all get naked. They asked me to do things and I did because I was scared and I liked one of them. I no longer did after that happened. I have been thinking so much about how many times I had sex with a boy I didn't really want to just because I thought it would get me love, get them to stay around and be there for me. It was always only about the sex though. I don't like to think about my sexual history before Gary, I was always drunk and I was always just having sex so someone would love me. I feel so uncomfortable about all of it now that it's been brought into my mind space and I just want it all to go away. I wish it would just go back into hiding so I could forget it all again. I wish my BPD didn't make it so easy for me to be taken advantage of. I told my best friend yesterday, first time I told anyone IRL and she was so upset. She also said that boys look for girls like me. "ones they know don't want it, but won't tell anyone"

[technigal]

I too have had sex with guys that I did not want to but I wanted love and affection. I hate to remember what I put myself through, the risks taken, the heartache. I am lucky to have found Sean when I did. I was going through the trial for my rape when I was 11. It was hard with the PTSD but he stuck with me, through the nightmares, through both the preliminary and trial. I was in more of am emotional state then I am now but he stuck with me.

[Angel of Bedlam]

I know how hard that is. I was molested when I was 14-16 by a roommate who lived with my family. He convinced me that he loved me and we were destined to be together forever. When I finally told my mother, she wanted to keep it a secret and for 5 years, I never spoke of the incident- not even telling my Dad what had happened. It wasn't until reading in the paper that he had sexually assaulted another girl in a different state that I came forward and pressed charges. I had to go out to California to testify back in 2012 and he pled no contest this September to the charges I filed here and is about to be sentenced this month. The memories of what happened between he and I still come up and haunt me- especially with all this coming to light. Be strong, you can make it through this. I know one thing that really helped me through the guilt and shame was a crisis center here in town. Is there anything like that in your area that you could go to for help? Even of you don't press charges or do anything the comfort of dealing with people who understand what you're going through can be extremely helpful.

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[atomicc]

I'm so sorry that both of you have experienced such pain. I'm going to talk to my.T about it tomorrow and I think that will help a lot. :/.I hope

[Angel of Bedlam]

All you can do is deal with it as it comes. Sometimes writing out all the things you want to say to the person can really be helpful. I know after he was found guilty, the victim's impact statement I got to write was super cathartic. Even if you never read it to them, you could write it and read it to your T. I did that before I sent my impact statement in and that act really helped me because I knew at least someone heard how I felt.

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[technigal]

Originally Posted by Angel of Bedlam

All you can do is deal with it as it comes. Sometimes writing out all the things you want to say to the person can really be helpful. I know after he was found guilty, the victim's impact statement I got to write was super cathartic. Even if you never read it to them, you could write it and read it to your T. I did that before I sent my impact statement in and that act really helped me because I knew at least someone heard how I felt.

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I did not get to read my victim impact statement as I was 4000 km away (they flew me in for the trial 19 years after it happened). The Crown Attorney told me that the judge was very impressed with my statement and read part of it into the record during sentencing. It was hard to write but it was so helpful in healing.

Angel - my abuser pleaded no contest to his sister (she still testified) but couldn't remember me. The trial was hard to get through but it was so affirming hearing the jury say guilty. The police are the ones who contacted me as a possible witness or victim, his sister had gone to them as he was abusing his daughters. Everyone figured if we could convict on the historical case then it would give his daughters time to heal and mature before they went to trial. I have not heard any updates but he is out of jail from our case. The three victims in our case agreed to release our names so that our abuser could be named, the other victims were his little sister and brother...

[sheiba]

I am so very sorry for you atomicc and all the others that have such painful memories, I truly hope you may find peace

[Angel of Bedlam]

I decided recently that I didn't want to continue to be victimized because it couldn't hurt me worse than when it happened originally. If I made it through that, I can persevere through it's aftermath and go from victim to survivor. I'm not sure if I'm fully there yet but I'm a little closer every day.

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