I've been sober for almost 18 months now. I'm not tempted to drink, abuse prescription drugs, or use any of the other substances I was abusing for a 10 month period in my life. When I think of that period of my life (what I can remember of it that is) it makes me sick to my stomach. The choices I made, how easily I was taken advantage of and lead by others, the friends I lost and will likely never get back, the family members I alienated, ETC. It's all just... aweful.
but now that I've been sober for nearly 18 months I'm painfully aware of the consequences of the mistakes I made during that period of my life, I'm painfully aware when my BPD causes me to act in a manner I know in my rational mind to be inappropriate, and there's no escape from the intense Major Depression cycles anymore.
While I do not at all desire to go back to self medicating the way I was, I don't know how to cope. I feel overwhelmed and lately I've been having thoughts the nature of which I won't go into, due to site TOS (rules), but thankfully my kids keep me from doing anything I'd regret.
I'm trying to get back into DBT (flunked out after 8 months of a 12 month long program), but am finding it isn't easy. I'm just at a loss right now.
-End Vent-

[atomicc]

I'm sorry you're struggling so hard. I am more sober than I have been previously (unfortunately not entirely) and when I think about the hurt I caused others and myself I feel so sick. It is so difficult to try and put our past behind us, but it's something we must do. Our disorder has caused us intense pain and suffering but in the end we will overcome and become happy.

[technigal]

I have no advice or thoughts but wanted to give you hugs

I hope you're right about that. I know there's parts of my past that may haunt me forever, that some relationships can't be fixed no matter how much I wish they could. All I can do is try and move forward, and know that I will probably have to live with a certain degree of pain and suffering from my past, no matter how bright my future becomes.
I can see why some people are unable to break the cycle of addiction. The making amends process is hard, and the discouragement can be tempting for some to just go back to old habbits, no matter how destructive because it's easier and all they know.

[lynn808]

I can only say that I am there for you....and there are a lot of people here who understand and do care....Hugs for you tonight to stay strong and stay the course!!!

[learningtolive2013]

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. I have battled my alcohol abuse for awhile now. I think it's great that you've been this long not abusing. I am hoping to say the same 18 months from now. I'm 2 days sober and the last time I drank I caused a lot of chaos with a few people. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone..

[sincemyfirstmemory]

Hello. I have been sober for 4 1/2 years now. Until a year ago, the consequences of my behavior when drunk would haunt me. I would be driving along and remember something awful and just start crying. I allowed myself to be tortured by myself for a long time because of how many people I hurt, deceived and betrayed when I drank hard core for years. The first 2 years of sobriety were the worst. I recently stopped smoking (7 weeks ago today) and now I am craving something so that I also can have a "check out" or "break" from depression and anxiety. I have nothing left to take to self medicate. I am forcing myself to walk at least 5 days a week for a long time in the woods or out in nature. The quiet is helpful. I also started taking vitamins and try to get lots of rest. I had surgery 7 weeks ago and got really sick. It was a wake up call for me so when I finally recovered, I was wanting to get healthier. But I was so depressed and anxious with rapid bad thoughts and too much noise in my head that I felt like I was going to explode.

I could relate to what you wrote almost word for word. I went to outpatient treatment and aa here and there. With out that, I would not have been able to stay sober. Best of luck. We are all in the same boat
Tam

[Truth in Ruin]

I just want to say that I think it's awesome that you are drug and alcohol free. It's awesome that you turned your life around, and you're being responsible. I'm proud of you!! Good job!!

Originally Posted by learningtolive2013

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. I have battled my alcohol abuse for awhile now. I think it's great that you've been this long not abusing. I am hoping to say the same 18 months from now. I'm 2 days sober and the last time I drank I caused a lot of chaos with a few people. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone..

Thank you for the support.
Two days is good, you can totally do it. I believe in you. I was once at just two days sober too and look at where I am today. I'm not saying it will be easy, obviously I'm still struggling with my emotions. but it's well worth it in my opinion.

Originally Posted by sincemyfirstmemory

Hello. I have been sober for 4 1/2 years now. Until a year ago, the consequences of my behavior when drunk would haunt me. I would be driving along and remember something awful and just start crying. I allowed myself to be tortured by myself for a long time because of how many people I hurt, deceived and betrayed when I drank hard core for years. The first 2 years of sobriety were the worst. I recently stopped smoking (7 weeks ago today) and now I am craving something so that I also can have a "check out" or "break" from depression and anxiety. I have nothing left to take to self medicate. I am forcing myself to walk at least 5 days a week for a long time in the woods or out in nature. The quiet is helpful. I also started taking vitamins and try to get lots of rest. I had surgery 7 weeks ago and got really sick. It was a wake up call for me so when I finally recovered, I was wanting to get healthier. But I was so depressed and anxious with rapid bad thoughts and too much noise in my head that I felt like I was going to explode.

I could relate to what you wrote almost word for word. I went to outpatient treatment and aa here and there. With out that, I would not have been able to stay sober. Best of luck. We are all in the same boat
Tam

4 and a half years, that's amazing! Congrats! Hoping I can say the same someday.
Other people throw the past in my face, but no one is as brutal to me as I am to myself. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my struggle, though I wouldn't wish this type of suffering on my worst enemy.

[Fuzzybear]

I'm sending hugs