[Aventurine]

This post could trigger..

I would really like to know what your thoughts are on this... I read a post recently about BPD and links to trauma...

I have had on and off sessions over the last 15 years re anxiety, depression as well as marriage counselling with more therapists than I can count. I have had hypnosis, Kinesiology, NLP, CBT etc. I have severe attachment issues, I mean, they are really severe. I have had panic attacks to the extent of running over a patch of thorns and not feeling my feet being cut to pieces until I calmed down and couldn't for the life of me work out how my feet were cut up.. and if my self esteem and self confidence was any lower I would be dead. (I am not suicidal, but sure, I think about being better off not being around here anymore, but I have a son and really deep down don't believe that being deleted is the answer).

The thing is.... Each therapist has asked the same thing.. Are you sure you weren't abused or experienced trauma when you were young?? They (nearly all of them) said I am showing several traits of someone who has been sexually and/or physically abused.

No. I have not. My parents were loving and kind, apart from being involved in a fanatical Pentecostal church from when I was 9, (I left the church at 23) and I would call the concept of dying and burning in hell for our sin rather traumatic, but apart from that, No. No abuse.

Except my second marriage when I was 30. He emotionally and physically abused me and I got out for there after two years. I do not feel like a victim, I feel great not to be in that relationship anymore and I understand that the abuse wasnt my fault, the guy was just an idiot. I only regret wasting a few years with him.
Yet all my symptoms (I am a 7/9 and once or twice I would have been a 9/9) seemed have been around since I was young, perhaps as young as 7. I first tried self harm when I was 10 by trying to jump out of a two story window. Mum thought I might have been possessed so she called the church elders. But I cannot for the life of me think of any situation when I was young that may have been traumatic or abusive. Not one bit. (I would like to add that I don't want a conversation here to be about the impact religious nutters, I get it)

My therapist says she wants to explore not only BPD but PTSD, but how if I cant remember anything, if anything happened at all...????

[ScarletPimpernel]

Trauma could be a lot of things. I was NEVER physically or sexually abused by anyone growing up. My parent did neglect me often (but partially because I was such a shy child that I choose to seclude myself by playing under/behind furniture, or in closets). When I was 7-8 yrs old, I had about 8 people die in my life (kindergarten teacher, family members, friends of the family). I know I felt the loss, but I didn't cry or anything. My parent also had difficulty loving me and my sisters at the same time. One of us was one parent's favorite, another the others, and the third of left out (that was usually me).

Maybe by exploring some of your past, you will find something that was traumatic for you, but not in the ways of "abuse".

[Malenursefl]

I firmly believe that PTSD does NOT need to be caused by just one or two traumatic events. It can be caused by an accumulation of continuous stressors such as multiple job loss, too many failed relationships or many other things.

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by Malenursefl

I firmly believe that PTSD does NOT need to be caused by just one or two traumatic events. It can be caused by an accumulation of continuous stressors such as multiple job loss, too many failed relationships or many other things.

I agree wholeheartedly. From age 8 to about 15, I was at the whims of my mom. I wasn't allowed to have friends, she deemed I was talking in the phone too much and changed our number and I didn't have it for years, and a myriad of events happened. I have flashbacks and of late they've become extreme, and it's not one event. It's like a merry-go-round in my head with one event after another coming to the surface, which accumulates to my being a really big mess.

[Gingersnapsmom]

Originally Posted by Malenursefl

I firmly believe that PTSD does NOT need to be caused by just one or two traumatic events. It can be caused by an accumulation of continuous stressors such as multiple job loss, too many failed relationships or many other things.

The continuous stressors in my life made my counselor (at the time) suggest PTSD for me.

[Aventurine]

Thanks guys for your responses,
I need to chat on here about this because my therapist cant see me again until feb. (I live in a country town)
I had always wondered why I was so insecure and attached to people all my life because my mother seemed to have dedicated her entire life to raising us kids and dad was a wonderful "provider".
So I could only conclude that I was an extremely selfish and self consumed individual. I was often told as a child I was incredibly selfish, which broke my heart to hear. I couldn't understand why. As a youngster I didn't think I was selfish, just so overwhelmed and confused by the intense feelings inside of me and I desperately wanted someone to understand me.
I do remember once, looking at my mother after she tried to show me affection and patience and thinking in absolute anger toward her; "How can you love me? I am disgusting!". I was 7.
So I am going to put the PTSD thing aside, but Is it possible that something could of happened and I cant remember or have blocked it? Why would so many of T's ask me after getting to know me a bit more if I have been abused?
I guess, even if I did block something, do I really want to drag it up? I don't think so.

haha I just saw the irony in my 'signature'..

[Malenursefl]

Some of this could be caused by trauma but, I believe heavily in the BPD being genetic. I think its more the BPD than PTSD causing the intense feelings. They says crazy people dont know they are crazy. The same can be said of us. I didnt know that my feelings were so much different than what so called "normal" people feel. Now I am resentful that I cant be like most other people. I put the "mad" in mad genius LOL. If you are repressing something its probably better that you cant remember it. You aren't selfish, your just like us. From what I've seen people with BPD are very much not selfish. We just need a strong support system and one good person to love and validate us. How about we start a BPD dating site?

[Aventurine]

Originally Posted by Malenursefl

We just need a strong support system and one good person to love and validate us. How about we start a BPD dating site?

Hahaha, that would be interesting.. I read a quote along the lines of "We are searching for someone who's demons play well with ours" Now that would be one hell of a play date.. (pun intended)..

I really would love to find my own kind..

I always knew I wasn't 'normal' . I kinda liked that about myself in my teen years, but it makes fitting into society a little more difficult.. and having "normal" relationships and friendships.. which seem to be what everyone wants these days..I often get people say "Why cant you just be normal?" or "That's not normal"... I actually find normal very boring. Therefore I probably don't want a normal bf..

[Malenursefl]

I attract damaged women that arent normal and it's been like mixing fire and ice. Theres an interesting thread on another board about people with BPD and NPD being drawn to each other like magnets. It's important for us to understand who we are so that if we do encounter other people with these big issues we know and can react accordingly. If I didnt have BPD/depression/anxiety, I could have had long happy relationships that I've always desired. Only know am I starting to understand that much of the problem rests w me. I still feel a strong impulsiveness. If two people are really in love though and just like each other I think it could work very well. What it looks like is that we become clingy and obsessive over people that arent into us the same way or possibly could be into us that same way if we could give it more time.

Sometimes you just get bad situations no matter who you are. My ex friend/girlfriend is a prime example. unless/until she leaves her babies father we have no real long term future together. Her emotions swing like a pendulum concerning me/us. Complicated by her physical ailments that can only be managed but, never fixed. If someone had told me in advance all about her years back Id never have ever considered dating her. as it is now my emotions are a twisted mess. She's just an example of something that seemed so good that went so bad and BPD or not, it was beyond my control. It's just something that will happen to the best of us.

Since we are how we are, clear honest communication is super important. We need to know how the other person feels about us right away, what they want, casual dating,friendship, just sex etc. This way we can limit the confusion and the roller coaster of emotions that go with it. I dont want to be blamed again for not understanding because the relationship/friendship was never clearly defined.