[iScottM]

Hi -
I was recently diagnosed with BPD. Before, it was 'just' PTSD.
It was only in the past year I began addressing my abusive childhood in therpay and how it has effected me (a Narcissistic mother and sexually abusive step-father who left me utterly invalidated).
The BPD diagnosis has been a relief because (as much as I dislike it) just knowing it was something other people have (it's not unique to me!) and being able to read about it, etc... is so much better than just feeling like I have some condition nobody has heard of or understands.
One symptom I have had for most of my life is, even when alone, I have a palpable sense of people watching me and feeling embarrassed. The people who are watching are not consistent (they change frequently) but are people I admire or would want to make a good impression on. But anything I do is interpreted in a way that is embarrassing.
I feel compelled to point out again that I don't hallucinate (I know that nobody is there). I'm married with 3 kids and able to work, etc... I am also beginning to move past this feeling of embarrassment to the feelings beneath it (anger, feeling invalidated, someone else's opinions/interpretations supplanting my own).
I was just curious (hopeful, actually) that there are others with similar issues. The feeling of being watched and embarrassed is the one symptom that has always made me feel freakish. I don't know if I am looking in the wrong places, but I never seem to find others who experience this.

[beloiseau]

I would like to first say that it is great that you have been able to rise above what happened to you as a child! I'm glad that you are getting the help that you need.

Second, I have feelings similar to these. At times when I am feeling especially judgmental of myself, I feel like people are watching me and judging my physical movements, my words, my choices, my actions. I almost always feel this way. Like I am constantly under surveillance, and when I mess up, even if it's dropping a pen, someone has seen and noticed. It is not a hallucination or paranoid feeling (well, maybe slightly paranoid lol). It happens when I'm alone and in public. I don't know if it's related to the dissociation aspect of BPD or not, but I am always aware of how I'll look to another person.

[iScottM]

I'm sorry you have these feelings too, but thank you for sharing with me. It is good to know you are not alone.
I have it constantly as well. I noticed recently that is pretty much always there in one form or another. Even when I am with my wife and kids, etc...
I've been discussing it with my therapist for some time and he is big on "Mindfullness". He says just to let it happen, be aware of it, etc...
It's had some effect on me and there are times when I sort of move past it and it morphs from a feeling of being watched to panic or rage or just generally feeling bad about myself. Even though I know I have to accept it in order to get past it, it's really difficult to do.
It's still very much there though and it can be debilitating at times.
My therapist suggested that feeling humiliated is how I related to my mom and step-fathers and I am re-living /clinging to this way of relating to myself. Its like I need them but the price is feeling humiliated.
Can I ask what strategies work for you to overcome the feeling?

[beloiseau]

It's not wrong to have these feelings after what happened to you. I try to notice my judgmental thoughts and not ruminate on them, which is part of mindfulness.

[lynn808]

Originally Posted by iScottM

Hi -
I was recently diagnosed with BPD. Before, it was 'just' PTSD.
It was only in the past year I began addressing my abusive childhood in therpay and how it has effected me (a Narcissistic mother and sexually abusive step-father who left me utterly invalidated).
The BPD diagnosis has been a relief because (as much as I dislike it) just knowing it was something other people have (it's not unique to me!) and being able to read about it, etc... is so much better than just feeling like I have some condition nobody has heard of or understands.
One symptom I have had for most of my life is, even when alone, I have a palpable sense of people watching me and feeling embarrassed. The people who are watching are not consistent (they change frequently) but are people I admire or would want to make a good impression on. But anything I do is interpreted in a way that is embarrassing.
I feel compelled to point out again that I don't hallucinate (I know that nobody is there). I'm married with 3 kids and able to work, etc... I am also beginning to move past this feeling of embarrassment to the feelings beneath it (anger, feeling invalidated, someone else's opinions/interpretations supplanting my own).
I was just curious (hopeful, actually) that there are others with similar issues. The feeling of being watched and embarrassed is the one symptom that has always made me feel freakish. I don't know if I am looking in the wrong places, but I never seem to find others who experience this.

Yes, I can relate to all that you have said, I was able to function during the raising of my 2 children but always felt like people were watching and judging me...which I always felt that I failed at....Now that my kids have grown, I see that they made it through much better than I did. So, am proud of them...still don't feel proud of me...ever....I am glad to see you are out there fighting every day to grow beyond the walls this disease tries to keep us in....

I get this too. Always feel like someone is watching me, judging me. Even when I am alone I somehow feel like someone can see everything I'm doing. And I know they're not, I know it's all in my head. I don't hallucinate either. This has been going on since my teens.

[iScottM]

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

I get this too. Always feel like someone is watching me, judging me. Even when I am alone I somehow feel like someone can see everything I'm doing. And I know they're not, I know it's all in my head. I don't hallucinate either. This has been going on since my teens.

Thanks all - it's really helpful to hear other people talk about this. It was such a hard secret to keep for so long.

[technigal]

What? I am not being watched? Totally feel watched and judged all the time. I hate the feeling of being watched when I am all alone.

[shezbut]

I have always struggled with this feeling as well. I have a bad habit of knocking myself down further, by telling myself that no one is bothering to look at me, so I should get over myself already! (Not good for my self-esteem, I know) But, yeah.

I feel very uncomfortably self-conscious. Unless I drink a few beers, that's when I loosen up. Not a good fix either, huh?