Why do I push?

He's a good person. He wants to help me. He hasn't even triggered me once. He is SO nice. He has done so much for me.

He's too nice...I feel like I don't deserve it. I'm scared I'm just gonna hurt him....like I hurt everyone in my life. I don't want to so that. He's too great for that. BPD makes me feel like a monster. He say's he wants to stick through and help me, he says "let me be your rock" but at what cost? He says he will never leave. But I want to run, to push him away. I can't give myself the chance to hurt him. I don't want to let him in, I don't want him to know I'm crazy >_< Why do I want to push anything healthy out of my life? It's like my brain sees something normal and says "I don't understand this, GET RID OF IT". What do I do? Why am I this way?

Do NOT write this in stone... cuz I am not qualify to give you a 100% rock-solid answer.

But I would get the simple answer is FEAR. Fear of rejection, fear of being hurt, fear of mental anguish. Maybe you have a history of other people hurting you. Maybe your senses are telling you something, but more likely - you just do not want to be hurt again.

Relationships are always risky. But it is the risk/reward ration that you have to weigh. And only you can answer that question....

Good luck.

I know this feeling so well. I'm gonna tell you what I know is true, even if I struggle to believe it for myself.

You DO deserve him. You ARE good enough. Just because you've hurt people in the past, doesn't mean you deserve to be punished forever. We all screw up, and we all have regrets. Its ok to move forward. Let him love you. Let him be your rock. You have to accept that someone can love you, BPD and all.

It's ok to be happy.

We deserve GOOD for everything that we are. Why wouldn't we? Filling ourselves with things that make us happy are a part of the process of finding contentment within ourselves, acknowledging our worth, moving forward . . . neglecting that is contributing to all of the negative aspects and the struggles we have. You are worth every bit of love and happiness . . .try not to let the fear be an obstacle and that damn self punishment, it only does more harm than good. There are no guarantees for anybody in any relationship or in life, period. Go and enjoy the here and the now and try not to worry about the what if's . . . . . they can just suck the livin' fun out of ya.

This made my whole life stop hurting a bit.

Reading your reply made my day. I'm glad I could help a little