[Angel of Bedlam]

So my boyfriend left to have a guy's night since his friend Matt is moving to Taiwan soon. This is all fine and well, but I'm upset that I'm stuck at home. I have a hard time when he leaves. My mind goes crazy!!! I think all this stuff that he's gonna leave me, or is out with another girl or is sleeping with someone or something stupid. How do I cope with my irrational thoughts without taking out on him?

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[technigal]

This has caused me a lot of stress over the years. I get jealous of my DH going out with friends. He games with a group of guys and has been doing so for the last 10 years. It has just been the last couple of years where things have been an issue. I am jealous that he is out with friends while I am home with our kid. I get jealous that it is not time spent with me, at home or on a date. Now it is not gaming but working at his part-time job that takes him away at night. I don't like it and try not to show my frustration but so far I am unsuccessful. I do know that my DH would never cheat so that is not an issue.

[Maranara]

When I was newly married, I broke my husband and his best friend up because I would panic and throw a fit whenever they planned a night out. He thought I was being selfish and only wanted him for myself, but I was scared he'd never return...

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by technigal

This has caused me a lot of stress over the years. I get jealous of my DH going out with friends. He games with a group of guys and has been doing so for the last 10 years. It has just been the last couple of years where things have been an issue. I am jealous that he is out with friends while I am home with our kid. I get jealous that it is not time spent with me, at home or on a date. Now it is not gaming but working at his part-time job that takes him away at night. I don't like it and try not to show my frustration but so far I am unsuccessful. I do know that my DH would never cheat so that is not an issue.

I don't know how to make those feelings go away. I get so angry that he's not with me and so scared he will never return- or that when he does return, he won't love me anymore.

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[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by Maranara

When I was newly married, I broke my husband and his best friend up because I would panic and throw a fit whenever they planned a night out. He thought I was being selfish and only wanted him for myself, but I was scared he'd never return...

He said to me before leaving for his night out that he used to hang out with them like 2x a week before he met me and my BPD makes it impossible for him to do that anymore. It also really hurt me that I wasn't invited to go with... like I wasn't important enough or good enough to come.

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[lazydog]

I think that most if not all of us can relate to those feelings.

.

[beloiseau]

I can totally relate too. You just have to know that the negative/anxious thoughts are your emotional mind talking and use your wise mind instead. It's so good that you can recognize that you're thinking some thoughts that might not be true. While we may not be able to stop the thoughts from coming, we don't have to agree with them.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by beloiseau

I can totally relate too. You just have to know that the negative/anxious thoughts are your emotional mind talking and use your wise mind instead. It's so good that you can recognize that you're thinking some thoughts that might not be true. While we may not be able to stop the thoughts from coming, we don't have to agree with them.

I really appreciate this.

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[MichikoUsagi]

I can understand this when my ex and I were together. He would go hang out with his friend and I hated it. I wondered all of the time why I wasn't allowed to go. I worried that they would be talking negatively about me all the time.

As the relationship progressed I realized that, I had to be honest and I was so hard to be around 100% of the time and he was already giving so much to me. I tried hard to ease myself when he would go off with his friends. Once I was able to calm my nerves a bit, time passed and it actually was a good thing for our relationship to have some seperate time and let him have a time where he could just be himself with a buddy and not have to play life guard. This is easier said than done though, of course.

I think it is good that you can recognize it though. Maybe when you're alone and feeling like that, shoot someone a message who is online or post another topic and just chat about it? Enter the chatrooms? Distractions are my ace in the hole lol.

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by Angel of Bedlam

He said to me before leaving for his night out that he used to hang out with them like 2x a week before he met me and my BPD makes it impossible for him to do that anymore. It also really hurt me that I wasn't invited to go with... like I wasn't important enough or good enough to come.

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I was often invited to go but I almost never did. Between social anxiety and feeling out of place and that I didn't deserve to go, I didn't go, but I gave him hell for going.

[pgazz]

Originally Posted by beloiseau

While we may not be able to stop the thoughts from coming, we don't have to agree with them.

I will have to remember that.

I haven't always had thoughts like that but now I think that way every day. I have been married for 21 years and didn't always feel this way. My wife being a realtor, is always running out to show houses and always texting. The texting part is what really gets me because she will be texting until midnight sometimes. So is it my BPD thoughts or do I need to worry about this? I don't know.

Originally Posted by Angel of Bedlam

So my boyfriend left to have a guy's night since his friend Matt is moving to Taiwan soon. This is all fine and well, but I'm upset that I'm stuck at home. I have a hard time when he leaves. My mind goes crazy!!! I think all this stuff that he's gonna leave me, or is out with another girl or is sleeping with someone or something stupid. How do I cope with my irrational thoughts without taking out on him?

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I know it's hard. you have to remember all of those things he's said and done that have really sent you soaring and made you feel secure. You have to be proactive and really look for those things because the negative imaginary and fear-driven thoughts will try to invade and without your fighting them, they will win and send you reelling every time only to make things worse when he does return becuase you'll have been in a bitter battle in your mind the whole time he is gone.

Think about the things hes done to reassure you. Think about the times he's left and always returned and let that remind you that he's likely not going to do it this time either. Focus on how great his return will be once you win this battle and look forward to his return. He will be very pleased to find you welcoming him home rather than brooding like you surely will if you let the fears overtake you. It will strengthen your relationship and make you both appreciate each other even more.

I know this is late in posting but I hope it helps going forward and i hope you got through his ok

*hugs*
S4