[Harmacy]

I've posted about this before but am again at a crossroads point and terrified of losing somebody I count on as a friend.

Basically I have a work friend who I've gradually grown closer to over the last couple of years. It's been good for me because it's been so gradual and consistent and apart from a few very brief upsets, my feelings towards her have been constant and positive and I believe that she likes me. I trust her because we talk openly about lots of stuff, including MH issues and she's the only person I feel able to be myself around.

I think what's helped is the rigid environment of work, we ended up sitting near each other by accident so it wasn't something I had any control over and I like the natural unforced way the friendship developed. I have constant anxiety at work which makes communicating quite a struggle sometimes but she's so understanding and easy to talk to that I get through it.

I'd really love to get to know her outside work and we've both hinted at that too. But I'm just terrified that outside of work we may not get on, she might think I'm boring and worst of all, I may end up feeling rejected and having an attack of verbal anger. I've seen the look on people's face before when they see the "other side" of me, the emotional angry fearful side when I fear that somebody's rejecting me. A big part of me wants to keep things as they are and even if things fizzle out or we drift apart / move onto other jobs, that would be better than having another failed attempt at friendship where I feel like I'm to blame for things going wrong.

It's the feeling I'm to blame that hurts the most. I'm tired of destroying the possibility of good friendships because of inappropriate reactions triggered by extreme emotions. I just wish I could switch off the over emotional thoughts and let things flow.

Just wondered if anybody had any similar experiences and if things worked out well or badly and how you coped with the overwhelming fear of rejection (something that's with me constantly when I'm around her and is the main cause of my anxiety). Any advice welcome.

[Aventurine]

Hey... I am going to be really simplistic about this...(and I am known for that from time to time)

Firstly.. you are not in actual fact, to blame..

Do what you can... if it still isn't good enough..then that's not your fault.. If she really wants to be your friend..and I mean friend (pardon my insensitivities...assuming you don't mean girlfriend) then she will be there.. I know some ppl run a mile from me when I bare my teeth.. others ...just say.. "oh that's just Av.."

You are who you are...love it. Embrace it... the right person/friend will love you regardless...
Disclaimer: Easier said than done.. the author of this actual post is still in training and she writes this in an attempt that one day she will take her own advice..

[Harmacy]

Originally Posted by Aventurine

(pardon my insensitivities...assuming you don't mean girlfriend)

That's a fair question as I didn't make it clear in the original post. No, I'm just looking for friendship right now.

Thanks for your advice btw. You're right that true friends will accept all sides of us and I suppose anything less isn't friendship. A lot of my anxiety comes from suppressing my honest emotions (positive and negative) through a belief that they're unacceptable to others or that people would dislike me if they saw my true self. Something I need to work on.

[Aventurine]

Originally Posted by Harmacy

That's a fair question as I didn't make it clear in the original post. No, I'm just looking for friendship right now.

Thanks for your advice btw. You're right that true friends will accept all sides of us and I suppose anything less isn't friendship. A lot of my anxiety comes from suppressing my honest emotions (positive and negative) through a belief that they're unacceptable to others or that people would dislike me if they saw my true self. Something I need to work on.

Oh yeah.. I hear ya..

going through that one myself... I tell myself the right person will stick around... Of course I try not to be a ***** head about it.. but I really need to be me or I die...I hope someone can love that one day.. but I have met enough of the wrong "friends" to understand that it is definitely worth the wait for the right friend....

[LaborIntensive]

I really need to be me or I die...I hope someone can love that one day.. but I have met enough of the wrong "friends" to understand that it is definitely worth the wait for the right friend

My sentiments exactly.