can a BPD be happily married?

that is so awesome!! i am so glad you guys had a great day.
i'm having all kinds of relationship problems..but i'm trying not to give up and one day find the right gal for me!

Yes, it's possible. I've been married 31 years, and my husband has bipolar. So we both have "issues." What has helped us the most is that we are both willing to work hard on our marriage, really communicate when we have misunderstandings and arguments, and we both had several years of therapy (I'm still in it). We've had some rough patches but have never given up. No matter how hard things have become, we have never stopped loving each other. But yeah, I'd say that without therapy, things may have ended a few years back when things got very difficult. So glad we hung in there! Things are much better than before.

It's most definitely possible but I think it takes a special sort of person - someone who is willing to accept you have certain difficulties and through loving you can provide the varying levels of care and support you'll most likely need through out your time together. I think the better they are at the latter, the easier it is for you to do the same for them also. Most relationships struggle for one reason or another but as long as you can remain as committed to recovery as possible I don't think a marriage is totally out of the question for those with BPD.

thank you so much peaches100, your story is especially nice indeed! 31 years, wow, amazing i can't seem to make it to 4! that is really wonderful, so have you guys ever had an episode at the same time? how did you handle it if so?

thank you for this..i just saw your reply yesterday (actually early this morning) i apologize for the delay & you make some really good points..i appreciate the input, i believe it will be a long hard road..but we shall see what happens!

I think that given the high failure rate of marriages in general, ours has about as good a chance as any. However there are some factors:

1)are we constantly choosing poor mates? Are we drawn to instable mates or making decisions based on neediness? Being drawn to overly possessive sorts because they make us feel wanted? ---- alot of that is PARt of being BPD but is also a reason lots of relationships in general fail.

2)Do we have unrealistic expectations? Did we idolize this mate based on the story we built up around them?

Ive been married 7 years, but together with him for ten.

Prior I had a history of going after abusive men or men I could manipulate. One or the other. I would see them as a beacon of safety because they seemed able to take care of my world when I was in a place that made me hide from responsibility - but then when I wanted to take the reins back they wouldn't give them to me.
Or, I could run the show and be in control, but then I didn't respect them because they let me manipulate.

My happy medium was someone who had been a friend for many years. Had seen my ups and downs and id seen his. No there weren't fireworks of excitement, there wasnt a feeling of OMG I NEEEEED you. Rather there was a friendship built up over the years. Shared interests... and eventually we began to date.

Is it ideal? meh. He's really passive agressive and we have almost parted ways many times. BUT he does not let me manipulate him, he does not indulge me many 'pity parties' (unless they are based on reality and not merely over reactions in my mind) nor does he control me, or abuse me.

So... its possible to have a long term marriage with someone. But like any marriage or relationship it takes two. We can't expect other people to do the work for us just because we have problems and nor should we be dumped on because "Well YOU'RE the crazy one!"

Its about finding a happy balance, but first it often starts with recognizing when we are making poor choices in the first place. (do we love THEM? or just love how they can make us feel?)

I love that opening post & you are correct indeed.i couldn't agree with you more..indeed i do have a history of choosing poor mates as well as the unrealistic expectations! check..ha ha guilty of that too.

sometimes i guess i do like the fireworks..which i know is bad..but it's exciting, but not a good long term model for happiness..so you are so correct, i realize that now.

you have some very good and valid points! thank you so much for your input
so at the end of the day its all about balance,huh? i will definitely have to remember that

Hi Tryingtosurvive,

Yes, there have been a few times when our symptoms overlap. It's difficult then because neither one of us feels well enough to be that steady anchor for the other. Mostly we just communicate about how we are feeling. Like if I am already feeling alot of anxiety and my husband is manic, I might tell him I really need a little bit of quiet time - then he will try not to talk so much, or else I go into another room for awhile and do relaxion exercises, go garden for awhile, or something. Or if I notice that he is feeling irritable, I won't bring up issues that I know upset him. Also, when I am feeling overloaded emotionally, he knows not to invite company for dinner. Stuff like that. You just have to communicate alot about what your needs are. There have been times we both just feel so much like crap we crawl into bed and sleep. Or if we both feel rotten and don't have the energy to cook, we might order pizza, or "pick and scrounge" as we put it - meaning that we just eat whatever is easy (like maybe a plate of fruit, cheese, carrots, whatever). We try not to put pressure on the other person when they are having trouble coping.

Balance - yes! it's so hard to find, I know.. but when we can learn to look at the sorts of people we are choosing, and what our expectations are of them, and if they are realistic----
ex: So I'm attracted to some hot guy who takes care of his body and has a good job. He's worked hard to get where he's got. And being really attracted to him and thrilled by his attention (that 'thrill can feel a lot like a good drug) --- but as my emotional dysregulation comes into play, maybe because he IS so goodlooking and im sure he'll cheat on me, or maybe because he takes such good care of his body he is easily irritated at how little i care about my own, or maybe the reason why is as successfully employed as he is is because he is more self absorbed than I realized--- so when he neglects to give a rat's behind about me and my mental problems (once my wall crumbles and he sees me for who i am) I guess it becomes no surprise.... I built him into something based on the overall picture and when reality came into play, and I was faced with what was ACTUAL---- I felt betrayed and hurt.

Doesnt mean we need to lower our expectations but just means we have to be realistic. If some guy was as emotionally bonkers as I am, I don't think I could deal with it - so im shocked that my husband tolerates me, lol.

I remember dating a guy that i had fireworks with. He was really good looking and liked to take charge. I loved that because ive always sucked at keeping my life in order. he was always concerned about how my day went. wanted to hear about it. I felt so special... then I realized he was a controlling abuser.
He wanted to take control of my life to control me and pretty soon his 'concern' about my day became jealous accusations. His 'taking charge' meant dictating who my friends could be and he started using abuse as a way to control me.

Ive learned to recognize that initial thrill as a bit of a red flag - even when meeting a new same-sex friend. Someone i suddenly click with SOOO well.. i realize that there might be a 'thrill factor' there somewhere. I have an addictive personality. always looking for a way out of the pain, whether it be via drugs, alcohol, sex, gaming... all which leave me empty eventually.

What a good question. Seems like most replies have been positive. I just don't know. I have had very much the same experience as you have had. Now I just want to stay alone to spare myself all the pain. I am lonely, but I know that I just can't maintain a relationship.

it sounds like you guys are a good team and have it figured out pretty good.
so i imagine a lot of it is picking up off each others signals and adjusting to them to keep everyone happy.i have been doing a lot of gardening myself lately..i always used to wonder why people did it ...now i know, i leave my cell in the house so i'm not interrupted and take my time..really helps..thanks again!

I have had the same experience and am currently on my own again. This time I think that I'll try really hard to stay this way. Trying to stay sane and balance a relationship is just too much for me. And I'm just NOT good at it. I think, for me that it will be easier to stay alone than try it again. Sorry to be so negative. Well, is it negative? I've tried and I just can't do it so I choose to be alone.

ah yes! i totally understand what you mean..LOL! i have gotten myself into so much trouble with the same things..one of my last gf was a disaster..not enough lines on here to go into total detail..so i gave you the short version!

i was just talking to my T last week about the whole "thrill" factor and some other things as well, but yes looking for a way to escape the pain and loneliness has gotten me into a world of trouble over the years!

i know what you mean, i keep trying though, i keep hoping i'll get it right
i was ready to give up after last summer's fiasco...i had had enough..i was done

a lot fo times i blame myself, but as i look back after regrouping from all the pain and suffering i realize it wasn't all my fault..but i took the blame anyways!

I have BPD (and more) and have been married for 4 years! And with my partner for 13 years, I've never cheated on him, we have NEVER broken up, and I trust him completely! (The only relationship in my life I don't freak out and obsess over) He is the only reason I have made it this far! We met when we were 16, I was off the rails, but he was such a sweet boy, who didn't drink and was in a band, he truly is my best friend and soul mate! Don't get me wrong, sometimes I put him thru hell, and have told him to "save himself" and leave me... But he never has! We own a house together, and are thinking about having a baby in the next few years (provided my recovery continues)
There is hope for love for every person! And I hope that you will also! It will happen

Take chance to laugh, just before you drown!

Call me a fool, but I do think it's possible. I'm with the love of my life now, but it wasn't always that way.
I was married once and it ended in divorce. Then I was with an abusive partner who I was not married to but it was a long-term relationship.
I think that one must deal with the issues that caused the last relationship to end, or the same issues will carry over into the next relationship.
I myself am a work in progress. In therapy trying to take my control back so to speek. but him and I both strongly believe in marriage. Just not marriage too soon.
Best of luck.

i understand how you feel, it makes a lot of sense. i have said the same thing a million times and then someone pops into my life and all bets are off

i do hate being alone, i think that has a lot to do with it..i just make do with each day and see where it takes me

that is absolutely fantastic..you know we tend to push away, so you have done well staying with him as he as staying with you..kudo's to you guys..i am glad to hear this, very encouraging..i used the "save yourself" too...i once told an ex i am a horrible person & to "get away from me" because i felt i wasn't good for her, i felt she needed to escape while she could!lol!

i couldn't agree with you more, i strongly believe in marriage as well & definitely not too soon, i want to be sure..you know, so i have been patient..made many mistakes relationship wise & learned from them( i think)

i never knew there was anything wrong with me..then i started analyzing patterns and realized part of the constant was me & realized maybe i need to change somethings about myself.. hmmm, that's a noble thought!

so i wonder & wait & watch &learn and try to work on myself to be the best person i can be..i guess that's all i can really do on my part!

Thats a really good way of keeping positive too. While you wait to find someone eho you want to spend you life with, you are learning more about yourself, your needs and bettering yourself and what you have to offer.

With near 1 in 2 marriages ending in divorce any one marriage is going to have its rocky times. ...BP or not. But marriages end because one or both stop working at the tapestry of marrage....its then it starts to unravel. It takes two working needles to sew. And only one to unpick. Find a mate that is willing to commit "for better and worse", is prepared for a journey rather than destination and is your best friend is far more important than looks or money. For me, marriage is always going to be a challenge, and I think its tougher on my wife than if she had a healthy husband. But I think that adds to the color and value of the taperstry we weave together.

My wife has Crohn's disease and depression accociated wuth her treatment and at times its real hard when we are bith down. But it can be done and its well worth the effort.

Married twice, total married time 19 years. My wife still tells me she loves me

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thank you for this! i do think that people tend to forget about the "for better or worse" part..the "worse" can get pretty ugly..as i have seen from some of the posts on the forums here.

it's a tough road & i want to make sure i'm ready for that type of commitment b4 i do it & know as much as possible about the person, i believe that will save me a lot of grief..

so so far i have never been married & only plan to do it one time...so for me i better get it right! LOL!

i like your analogies..they make a lot of sense, than you again.