[learningtolive2013]

I don't know what is wrong with me ughh.. I have a decision to make and I keep going back and forth with what I want to do leaving me with making no decision at all. It's HELL for me to be in this position. My head is spinning and it is affecting every part of my life.

The decision is whether or not to move to another State. I grew up In MO and moved away years ago and swore I'd never move back but I did "last year" I moved to be around my family "this includes adult children and grandchildren". Since I've been here I've barely seen them and there's been a lot of drama with my daughter "she drinks and does drugs and is just a complete train wreck".. I've tried to be here for her and help her but she doesn't want help, she even punched me In the face a few months back when we had a fight.
Anyway.. I'm debating on leaving again. I don't like the weather here, I don't have much support with my 4 year old son who has autism and I really don't want to raise him in this community or environment that I currently live in. I don't want him around my adult daughters drama, or even going to school in this town when he starts kindergarten in August.

I'm torn because I feel guilty for wanting to leave my adult children and grandchildren again when I've been away most of their life already but I feel like I'm drowning here as well..

[greentires4me]

make a pros and cons list to help you out

why not take him with you to another state the grandson or another town with you ?

You can work it out I am sure

[learningtolive2013]

I think the thing that is driving my confusion is trying to live up to an expectation of others, to “make up” for being gone in the first place. If I move again then I look like I’m leaving all over again and not being stable. The guilt of the past and the obligation I feel to be here just to not look “unstable” anymore is more of a driving force than what is actually “best” for me and my son.

I think my ability to make a clear choice is shadowed by that guilt of the past and that feeling of obligation to do what others think I should do, to be what everyone thinks I should be. To not “appear” unstable, to prove to every one that I am stable. The decision to move again is hard to make because I’m scared of what others will think.

I’m scared of getting there and wonder how long before I find something wrong with the new place I’m in and want to move again. I know in my heart that I don’t like it here in this town, it’s not where I want to raise my son, but is where I’m planning to go any better or will it be made worse by leaving those again who have wanted me here for so long, those who expect me to be here.

A pros and cons list has not helped me to sort out the emotional impact my decision will have.

[greentires4me]

okay what you need vs want
Need:

a stable place to be
support for you and grandson

VS

Want:

your daughter to get off drugs and liqour
to be there for family

if you think of any more just ad on...

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by learningtolive2013

I don't know what is wrong with me ughh.. I have a decision to make and I keep going back and forth with what I want to do leaving me with making no decision at all. It's HELL for me to be in this position. My head is spinning and it is affecting every part of my life.

The decision is whether or not to move to another State. I grew up In MO and moved away years ago and swore I'd never move back but I did "last year" I moved to be around my family "this includes adult children and grandchildren". Since I've been here I've barely seen them and there's been a lot of drama with my daughter "she drinks and does drugs and is just a complete train wreck".. I've tried to be here for her and help her but she doesn't want help, she even punched me In the face a few months back when we had a fight.
Anyway.. I'm debating on leaving again. I don't like the weather here, I don't have much support with my 4 year old son who has autism and I really don't want to raise him in this community or environment that I currently live in. I don't want him around my adult daughters drama, or even going to school in this town when he starts kindergarten in August.

I'm torn because I feel guilty for wanting to leave my adult children and grandchildren again when I've been away most of their life already but I feel like I'm drowning here as well..

i'm on the outside looking in so it will be much easier for me because there is no emotion involved, so i will try and explain what you should do and why...hopefully i can be of assistance to you.

IMHO you are going to want to move..easy enough for me to say..but let me explain why.

1) originally you said you moved back to MO to be with your family..not because you wanted to, not because is was a better environment for you and your children( the non adult ones) not because of a better employment opportunity or opportunity to open your own business but to be with your family..that's why you came back.
2) that has not panned out as expected..you have had issues with your ADULT daughter & she even punched you in the face, also she has a drug addiction..i for one have had A LOT of experience with loved ones with drug addictions & it's not a pretty situation..i don't have to tell you that..only that they don't want help UNTIL they are ready and nothing we can do or say is going to change that..they love the lifestyle whether we like it or not..period
3) you are not a fan of the weather..which will make your situation even worse
4) you definitely don't want your 4 yr old son in that environment and i couldn't agree more
5) you want to protect him from the drama mentally and emotionally and physically as well.

so to me this seems like a no brainer.
your adult children are ADULTS..that is the operative word here, they have made their decisions , whatever happened that you have been away from them most of their lives CANNOT be undone & i am sure you had your reasons (whether they be wrong or right is immaterial, it has already happened)

no amount of hanging around in a bad situation is going to make up for the past.
at the end of the day..your ADULT children made, make and are making their own decisions...the punch in the nose is the proof of that.

you really have no choice but to do what is best for your 4 yr old son..he depends on you..your adult children CAN and WILL fend for themselves.
i don't mean to sound harsh..this is not my intention..i just want you to understand the importance of this decision for your young one who has no say so in his life.

i sincerely hope this helps and you can see my point of view!

[learningtolive2013]

WOW!!! THANK YOU both so much. Being able to view needs vs. wants instead of pros and cons is a great new alternative for me going forward and also the explanation of why I will want to move is amazing.. You put in words what was blocked inside my head, things I knew that were blocked by emotions. I can't thank you both enough for helping me think through this. You are amazing :-) Trying2survive will you be my personal life coach? lol.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by learningtolive2013

WOW!!! THANK YOU both so much. Being able to view needs vs. wants instead of pros and cons is a great new alternative for me going forward and also the explanation of why I will want to move is amazing.. You put in words what was blocked inside my head, things I knew that were blocked by emotions. I can't thank you both enough for helping me think through this. You are amazing :-) Trying2survive will you be my personal life coach? lol.

hee hee. i'll try..only reason i know so much is i have screwed up in my life so many times..i think i have made every mistake imaginable..twice!, LOL! i'll do the best i can

[learningtolive2013]

I think I've made every mistake imaginable as well lol.. Some maybe even more than twice.. The issue I have is that I've made so many mistakes but at the time I thought I was making the right decision but ended up not being the best choice "hence the move back here"... I don't think I trust any decision I make anymore.