[Claire2015]

My friend was diagnosed last year with ADD but now i suspect she might have BPD simply because the other ADHD friends i have are relatively calmer and not as hostile as her.. It is as if she has more going on than just ADD. I saw something in her that made me think i gotta be good to her cause no one else is even before she told me she had ADD.

She will love me one minute and hate me the next, she has very hostile anger episodes where she will throw anything at you (verbally not physically) and you gotta keep calm otherwise it will only escalate further. She has lot countless friends and boyfriends cause of this.

I feel like i'm never a good enough friend even though she has told me "i have been more of a friend to her than anyone" and that i am her 'life saver'. But recently she has blocked me completely on every social site. It feels like she is testing my patience, loyalty and trust, as if i am gonna be like every other friend she has ever had that left her or stopped talking to her.

When i explain i genuinely care she thinks of every reason why i don't or come up with some excuse to justify it. It feels like she doesn't feel good enough or is suspicious of why i'm being so nice to her. When i had a boyfriend she didn't talk to me as much cause she latched on to a group of friends she adored. However when my relationship ended she still doubted me as i was the one who ended the relationship and thought id end our friendship the same way.

It feels like she is used to being hurt which breaks my heart. I'm pretty sure i love her unconditionally as she is a brilliant friend..... But her moods goodness gracious they are something else. Afghanistan seems more peaceful than being in an argument with this girl. She will be so irrate over the smallest things and i try to solve the situation in the moment whereas she wants to alleviate all her inner frustration.

I assumed it was ADD however i was recently pointed in the direction of BPD which i have been looking in to and it literally sums my friend up. She isn't suicidal (thank god) however she hit rockbottom 5 years ago and had suicidal thoughts which i then became SUPER protective and weary of her making sure she didn't act on it. Since then nothing luckily however her life is spiralling out of control again and i think BPD could be the reason.

She will have outbursts then be so sweet which contradicts eachother leaving a lot of people lost for words and quite frankly fed up of her. It's only a matter of time before she breaks up with her boyfriend and feels low again.

- She has intense friendships and relationships
- always feels she's going to be blamed or is in the wrong
- always tries to sus people out before letting her guard down
- causes unnecessary arguments out of nowhere
- intense emotions of shame, regret, sadness, embarassment, paranoia
- low self esteem
- risk taker BIG time

The list could go on i was wondering could this be BPD and does it affect friendships and relationships?

Claire

[misfit77]

Hi Claire,
I have ADHD and BPD. My current psychiatrist was sometimes indicated he doens't think I actually have ADHD but it's all part of the BPD. I am not convinced though as I have some hallmark ADHD symptoms.

A little about me-I am 37, female and had inattentive ADHD as a child. In the early to mid 1980s ADHD wasn't such a hot topic as it is today, so being female and not hyperactive made it difficult for me to get diagnosed. My parents basically had to take me to an expert because the school board just thought I was slow. That wasn't the case. I got the help I needed and went from being a poor student to a pretty good one and ended up going to and graduating from university.

I would like to actually study the correlation of ADHD and BPD as I think there are a lot of people with both-ADHD tends to have strong correlations with depression and anxiety as well. I struggled with those since my early teens and always wondered if I was actually bipolar without mania. My moods would change so rapidly yet I would't go into manic episodes. Finally a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with BPD. So my psychiatrist wondered if the ADHD and depression were all symptoms of the BPD. I think they are, but I still think I have ADHD.

ADHD and BPD can present differently in many people. For me, one of the things that causes me the most trouble is noise. I can't block noise out-basketballs, clicky shoes, ticking clocks, bass from music far off can drive me completely bat S*** crazy and send me into a rage. I am distracted easily, and it can be difficult for me to focus on things for a long time. I have over come a lot of my ADHD symptoms however and have been quite successful in spite of it. How I believe it effects the BPD is that with ADHD a common symptom is FRUSTRATION...it's taking in so much stimuli that it's overwhelming. This combination with BPD can create a lot of problems. That's where mindfulness and DBT therapy come in.

In regards to your friend's symptoms I think many of them can correspond to both ADHD and BPD-here are my thoughts on them:

She has intense friendships and relationships
-Definitely a BPD symptom-could also be an ADHD symptom as it people with ADHD can jump in quick...then get board.

- always feels she's going to be blamed or is in the wrong
I think this is a symptom of both. Growing up with ADHD you are constatnly being told to "pay attention" and get critized a lot for your impulsivity, "laziness" inability, to follow through and complete tasks, carelessness etc. Having ADHD and also working with many clients with it ( I am an employment counsellor) I have found that low self-esteem and the feelings that you are always doing something wrong are common, and I think it's because you learn you are always wrong growing up.

- always tries to sus people out before letting her guard down
I am not 100% what you mean by "sus" it may be a British term I am not familiar with Sorry (or I am just getting old and loosing my abilities with slang lol)

- causes unnecessary arguments out of nowhere
This is probably more a BPD thing-but ADHDers could do this to create excitement

- intense emotions of shame, regret, sadness, embarassment, paranoia
I think this goes with both. Probably more a BPD trait, but again I can see it with both

- low self esteem
Definitely a trait for both-though ADHDers can appear quite confident and "the life of the party" they often have self-esteem issues for the reasons I mentioned about (in my experience).

- risk taker BIG time
This can go with both and is a huge ADHD trait. This is something I personally didn't have and still don't have. Though I have taken risks in life, I was always slow to do things like get my driver's license, get job, call people, ask someone out etc out of fear.

I am sure being friends with people with both "disorders" is challenging. I know I have pissed off many friends, family members and partners in the past. But I also have some traits that from these disorders are strengths. I am compassionate and empathetic. I can quickly develop relationships with my clients because I can easily adapt to their needs-I have insanely strong intuition and ability to read people. I am creative and kind and loving. But there are two distinct versions of me. There is the kind, happy, compassionate, outgoing me, and there is the angry, resentful, downright hateful, introverted, negative me. I hate the second version and I don't know why she pops up sometimes. I always found it so strange that I could go to party and talk to anyone, be the life of the party, etc one day, and the next I would want to go into a corner and hide. I can do a workshop teaching 40 people about resumes and crack jokes and laugh and be a great facilitator, but sometimes I can't go up to someone in a store because I am too nervous to talk to them. It's strange and it frustrates me that I am like that.

Anyway, I just thought I would give you some insight into me-someone who has definitively been diagnosed with both. As with anything, the disorders can present and manifest differently in everyone.

I think it's great that you want to help your friend. Sometimes that best thing is to just tell her how she comes across (you will need to be very SENSITIVE when doing this). I always remember someone saying "You're so negative to me"...it honestly was one of the best things anyone ever said- I of course was defensive at first...but as I thought about it was true...and it helped me to see it and make changes.
Misfit

[LittleEarthquakes]

It could be and yes, BPD tends to affect relationships.

[Claire2015]

Originally Posted by misfit77

Hi Claire,
I have ADHD and BPD. My current psychiatrist was sometimes indicated he doens't think I actually have ADHD but it's all part of the BPD. I am not convinced though as I have some hallmark ADHD symptoms.

A little about me-I am 37, female and had inattentive ADHD as a child. In the early to mid 1980s ADHD wasn't such a hot topic as it is today, so being female and not hyperactive made it difficult for me to get diagnosed. My parents basically had to take me to an expert because the school board just thought I was slow. That wasn't the case. I got the help I needed and went from being a poor student to a pretty good one and ended up going to and graduating from university.

I would like to actually study the correlation of ADHD and BPD as I think there are a lot of people with both-ADHD tends to have strong correlations with depression and anxiety as well. I struggled with those since my early teens and always wondered if I was actually bipolar without mania. My moods would change so rapidly yet I would't go into manic episodes. Finally a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with BPD. So my psychiatrist wondered if the ADHD and depression were all symptoms of the BPD. I think they are, but I still think I have ADHD.

ADHD and BPD can present differently in many people. For me, one of the things that causes me the most trouble is noise. I can't block noise out-basketballs, clicky shoes, ticking clocks, bass from music far off can drive me completely bat S*** crazy and send me into a rage. I am distracted easily, and it can be difficult for me to focus on things for a long time. I have over come a lot of my ADHD symptoms however and have been quite successful in spite of it. How I believe it effects the BPD is that with ADHD a common symptom is FRUSTRATION...it's taking in so much stimuli that it's overwhelming. This combination with BPD can create a lot of problems. That's where mindfulness and DBT therapy come in.

In regards to your friend's symptoms I think many of them can correspond to both ADHD and BPD-here are my thoughts on them:

She has intense friendships and relationships
-Definitely a BPD symptom-could also be an ADHD symptom as it people with ADHD can jump in quick...then get board.

- always feels she's going to be blamed or is in the wrong
I think this is a symptom of both. Growing up with ADHD you are constatnly being told to "pay attention" and get critized a lot for your impulsivity, "laziness" inability, to follow through and complete tasks, carelessness etc. Having ADHD and also working with many clients with it ( I am an employment counsellor) I have found that low self-esteem and the feelings that you are always doing something wrong are common, and I think it's because you learn you are always wrong growing up.

- always tries to sus people out before letting her guard down
I am not 100% what you mean by "sus" it may be a British term I am not familiar with Sorry (or I am just getting old and loosing my abilities with slang lol)

- causes unnecessary arguments out of nowhere
This is probably more a BPD thing-but ADHDers could do this to create excitement

- intense emotions of shame, regret, sadness, embarassment, paranoia
I think this goes with both. Probably more a BPD trait, but again I can see it with both

- low self esteem
Definitely a trait for both-though ADHDers can appear quite confident and "the life of the party" they often have self-esteem issues for the reasons I mentioned about (in my experience).

- risk taker BIG time
This can go with both and is a huge ADHD trait. This is something I personally didn't have and still don't have. Though I have taken risks in life, I was always slow to do things like get my driver's license, get job, call people, ask someone out etc out of fear.

I am sure being friends with people with both "disorders" is challenging. I know I have pissed off many friends, family members and partners in the past. But I also have some traits that from these disorders are strengths. I am compassionate and empathetic. I can quickly develop relationships with my clients because I can easily adapt to their needs-I have insanely strong intuition and ability to read people. I am creative and kind and loving. But there are two distinct versions of me. There is the kind, happy, compassionate, outgoing me, and there is the angry, resentful, downright hateful, introverted, negative me. I hate the second version and I don't know why she pops up sometimes. I always found it so strange that I could go to party and talk to anyone, be the life of the party, etc one day, and the next I would want to go into a corner and hide. I can do a workshop teaching 40 people about resumes and crack jokes and laugh and be a great facilitator, but sometimes I can't go up to someone in a store because I am too nervous to talk to them. It's strange and it frustrates me that I am like that.

Anyway, I just thought I would give you some insight into me-someone who has definitively been diagnosed with both. As with anything, the disorders can present and manifest differently in everyone.

I think it's great that you want to help your friend. Sometimes that best thing is to just tell her how she comes across (you will need to be very SENSITIVE when doing this). I always remember someone saying "You're so negative to me"...it honestly was one of the best things anyone ever said- I of course was defensive at first...but as I thought about it was true...and it helped me to see it and make changes.
Misfit

Thank you so so so so so much you are literally like my friend she has those traits it kinda feels like you're her haha. Those were just some off the top of my head which all match the criteria according to your symptoms which puts me in a position of do i tell her or do i not?

I don't want to come across rude and make her think she has issues or something wrong with her cause as you said you got defensive and coinsidently so does she. I understand being told you're not paying attention or you're wrong will take a toll on you after a while which could be your defense mechanism.

Sus yeah definately is British it's just an abbreviation of suspect or suspicion. I mean't that she always seeks some reason for someone to want to go out with her or be friends with her. This will then lead to her disliking or not trusting that person cause she comes to the conclusion they will use her or abandon her.

Having both ADD and BPD must be challenging a lot of frustration must build up especially when you get overwhelmed with stimulants. To me something like a crowded room is okay, however my friend will get overwhelmed and often panicky. She will have to leave and we go out to get some air.

Your good and bad traits match my friend's too, she can also be very negative, unhappy, snappy and just throw insults at you in a rage then next minute be so lovely, caring, apologetic and funny.

It must be tough to handle it all, hats off to you for handling so much stimuli and negativity i don't think non-ADD'ers realise just how much they take for granted and how they should be sympathetic, understanding and not judgemental or rude.

I honestly appreciate that thank you so much and i am glad you have managed your ADD hopefully that will allieviate some of the stress and intensity.

Thank you

Claire

[Claire2015]

Thank you Misfit and LittleEarthQuakes i appreciate it

[misfit77]

You're very welcome :-)

I think probably the hardest thing is getting a diagnosis of BPD. I think it took me so long to get diagnosed because of also having ADHD - so I think many of the doctors didn't suspect it because my ADHD symptoms could explain a lot of my behaviour. Your friend may or may not have it. It's hard to know and only a psychiatrist will really know.

Glad I could help :-)
Misfit

[Claire2015]

Originally Posted by misfit77

You're very welcome :-)

I think probably the hardest thing is getting a diagnosis of BPD. I think it took me so long to get diagnosed because of also having ADHD - so I think many of the doctors didn't suspect it because my ADHD symptoms could explain a lot of my behaviour. Your friend may or may not have it. It's hard to know and only a psychiatrist will really know.

Glad I could help :-)
Misfit

I understand they kind of combine in a lot of areas it seems like once you are diagnosed with ADD/ADHD nothing else needs to be checked, it's as if ADHD ticks most of the boxes other simular conditions will be crossed off the list. Thank you so much for sharing that and i kind of hope she does have it otherwise she will have a very hard time trying to manage herself seeing as she is conviced she has grown out of ADD.

She will argue with me whenever it suits her and won't hold back or wait till another time to mention it is this part of BPD or ADD impulsivity?

Claire