craving physical touch I can't get

Yesterday in session T told me she had noticed that I had been feeling pretty bad during last week's skills group. All I managed to say was that she was right, and that during that group I was still processing my week-end that had not gone like I wanted.

I was too embarassed to tell the truth, because on a rational level I know it's totally childish, but emotionally it makes so much sense.
I've been a Backstreet Boys fan since 1995, at that time I was still being abused and for two years they kept me alive and were my only source of comfort. Over the years I've always found strength and comfort in their music. Fast forward to 2009 when I met them for the first time: All of them hugged me and it was eye-opening to me. For the first time men could hug me, without me being drunk, and it felt so safe, so comforting. I have since met them at least once a year, and everytime they hugged or touched me, or even only looked me in the eyes from the stage I've always felt so safe, like in that moment no one could hurt me because they wouldn't allow it.

Well last week I was at one of their shows, but didn't get lucky this time and didn't actually meet them or have any close contact with them. Rationnally I know that's ok, I can't be lucky every time, and they already gave me so much... but all I wanted was a few seconds of feelings safe... I didn't get them and it's still hurting so badly. Especially as I have no idea when they'll be back in Europe.

I know all of this sounds so bratty, entitled and childish, I know they're popstars and I have to share them with thousands of fans. But I don't care about they're fame when I meet them. All I care about is this feeling of safety that I've never felt anywhere else. I wish so badly I had a friend I could ask for a hug and feel this safe, but I don't.... and it's killing me...

Hello, Jordy. Please tell you therapist about this. Let her help you to get to a better place.

I wish you well.

Aww I don't think it is childish. You associate them with a huge part of how you coped during unbearable times. I'm no xpert, or even know if I am BPD yet, but i think telling your T is a good idea... Waiting once a year (or however often they go on tour... I'm really not sure) seems unbearably long before you can have that safe and validated feeling again.

I've been very lucky this year as between the cruise and the two european legs of the tour I was able to see them three times. But usually the wait is 12-18 months... and yes it is far too long for something as simple as a hug...

I guess you're right , I should tell T but for some reason I wasn't able to on wednesday...

Everything we want to say usually doesn't come out when it is suppose to, hey?! It's frustrating because then it's all you think about until the next visit eith T, just make sure to have a mental plan that you will at least say something about it. I think you should.

Hi Jordy,

I can definitely relate to not wanting to share certain things with a therapist or doctor... I have always thought I was pretty candid until this last year until it came to admitting to myself and to others how immature my attachments were. I have literally sat in my NP's office trying to say it, and then saying "I can't" after a moment. Trying again, and "I can't." Because I am afraid of the reaction...

Don't beat yourself up for not talking about it yet, but I believe this is an important thing to discuss with your T because it is a core problem for BPD. Its time to address it, you are in pain and the solution you have is not realistic, there is actually a far simpler one, hopefully.

I am so sad for you. My heart aches for you and I send you a Please chat with your therapist about this. Hope she/he can help.

Thanks, all your support makes me feel a little less like a freak... People around keep telling me it's silly to still love the Backstreet boys, they don't understand how I can spend so much money on being close to a group. But I swear this is not about their fame, it's about my "long distance friends".