Who else has such fantasies ?

- Going to sleep one night, and waking up next to God
- Being a human shield for people held hostage, protecting them by eating the pieces of lead that come flying from the hostage taker's weapon, giving the people time to escape
- Running into a burning airplane and running out with people you've saved, eventually collapsing inside the airplane yourself
- Experiencing a sudden and overwhelming cardiac arrest that sucks all the darkness out of your heart, taking you to a better place

well not those specific fantasies but fantasize about death a lot. it would be nice to get away without actually having to take my life;.

I spend a lot of time fantasing about death not by my own hand.

I wish I'd get a terminal illness.

I feel so guilty about suicidal feelings and wish I could just erase myself

For someone who would no longer consider her self suicidal I would say that I fantasize about accidents far too often.

I've cheated death twice, not intentionally

One of those times, a high speed car crash destroyed my car but left me without a scratch.

The other time (2 months ago), I made an attempt, but my aim was lousy.

I really sometimes wonder what the man upstairs is thinking, and what he has in store for me. Or, perhaps it's the evil force inside me that has greater influence over such events than the man upstairs. To be determined.

I've fantasized about killing myself & certain people finding my body. The people who didn't take me seriously, listen to me, or put me down when I tried to confide in them, I wanted them to experience indescribable feelings seeing my dead body. It's just a fantasy though. I will never kill myself to get back at someone. I feel incredibly guilty for thinking about it.

I'm the same as u nochild. But then I snap outta it n think logically and forget about it cos they'll grieve then move on like life does xxx

Trigger: Suicidal Ideation and sad stories

No way. I am afraid to die actually. I feel like I am running from suicide like it is a monster chasing me. I have often said it feels like I am a rat in a maze without any exits except for that one. That rat is in panic.

When I was in my twenties I really thought I wanted to die. I thought about suicide often and life seemed pointless. What stopped me from planning (usually) was imagining my loved ones finding me and their despair at not having been given the chance to 'save me'... finally, of course at the lowest of lows you can convince yourself that no one wants to save you. That is a dark place, one that I never visit anymore thankfully.

The day I realized I did not want to die was when my husband perforated his bowel and was in ICU, unable to breath on his own and being monitored after a life saving surgery. There was a high possibility that he would not make it depending upon complications. My parents came down and stayed with me a couple of days during the danger period. I remember thinking this is it, there will be no reason for me to go on after this. But then my Mother told me that they were there for me and I suddenly found myself thinking: I could go on. I told her to take me home with them if Johnny didn't make it. She promised she would.

You know that saying about whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger - that period of my life is why I think that line is a load of crap. I cannot imagine having to go through all of it again. Anyway, my husband is alive today and I did make it through that time.

Anyway, looking back when I decided I wanted to live, I realize now that my fantasies of suicide were allayed by the idea of going home and being taken care of, which is extremely borderline. I felt like if I could just have that time to recover I could make it. I didn't want to die, I just didn't want to live in pain. I think the world is full of so much pain for us that even norms can easily want to give up. For a borderline, giving up often equates to suicide unfortunately.

That being said, I often do face the idea of terminal illness, or a plane crash with the equanimity that another person might not. Running from that monster is tiring at times, and not always very rewarding.

edit - Unless I am having a very full and distracting day, I think about suicide pretty much routinely. Even though I want to live, there is that part of me that really wants to give up.

Very touching story. Thanks for sharing. That must have been so tough for you. I can't imagine supporting someone else through serious health problems when I've got a bucketload myself.

I agree with you about the saying. It's a pure load of ****. What doesn't kill me makes me weaker and angrier I'd be much better off not here.

Since we're on the subject, I don't mind saying, though it is clearly a controversial topic, that perhaps, suicide is a real blessing for some. I'm not talking about the terminally ill. I'm talking about people who chronically suffer like myself - a seemingly "healthy" 30 yr old in his prime, who has given life a lot of thought, and, after much contemplation and reflection (not out of impulsivity), has decided that it's just not worth it.

I have a background in math, and I see life as an equation (sorry for the nerdiness, folks) ... I work my ***** off just to stay afloat everyday (emotionally). What are the chances that all my efforts so far will be worth it, given my problems and my past ? Even if I DO get better, will the betterment be so mind-blowing that it will sufficiently diminish my decades of suffering ? Likely not. My chances just don't add up to bliss.

Thoughts ?

Death is something that stays to the forefront of my mind. Not suicide but accidents. Bizarre accidents and never being found. No one caring enough to find me.

I can TOTALLY identify with that ! Accidents and never being found. As though I never existed. No one caring enough to ask where I am.

You're not alone, friend

I try not to think that way, but I admit it is definitely on the brain. One more year of this, and another, and another, and the ending is the same.

My father, who is borderline, told me that no one has the right to make you live if you do not want to. I get that, but I think that there are a lot of people who do want to live, and commit suicide in a dark moment.

Suicide is always on my mind as well, if I could erase that part of me I would though. I feel like I fight it, it is an unwelcome thought, and this is from someone who has acknowledged they want to live.