[NoChildSupport]

When I'm upset, I NEED comforting words & affection. My older cousin, who I'm attached to refuses to give either even when I ask. When I'm not in a crisis, she has no problem with it. Some people also invalidate me. They tell me my problems aren't a big deal & that it's all in my head. You can tell people the same things over & over and they STILL don't get it. Either that or they just don't care like they said they did. Another thing people do is constantly compare me to people who are more normal as if I should be jealous or something. I know some people don't know any better. No one's born being able to understand everything about everyone. It's just irritating when you inform people of your needs, insecurities & sensitivity level but they STILL treat you as if you never told them at all. It's hard to tell if they truly care about you when the continue to say the same things they KNOW are hurtful.

I totally get that my outlet is the gym and kickboxing xxx

[Frankbtl]

Hi NoChildSupport, I'd say that sometimes people do care but they instinctively fall back on some of the misconceptions that go around as they either don't know what to do, feel "out of their depth", or are more used to them.
Or maybe they've "seen" some of those things "working" with some other people who aren't in crisis........they see them working........so to them they must/should work with you e.g. if they can just cheer you up or "why can't you cheer up"...........you just need to be distracted from...........ignore it and it'll sort itself out or "you'll get over it"............you need to encouraged to "pull yourself together"........that sort of thing???
And yes, sometimes people just won't, can't, don't want to "get it" but for the others who may care, try to explain in as much detail as you can how it is for you when you're struggling, and what you want from them at those times.
Some people might find it easier to take on board if you tell them when you aren't actually struggling/needing them as much. And I know it may be frustrating but you might need to tell them "more than once".
Then maybe it could help them understand/"take it in" if you found some information for them, or some youtube clips are quite personal??? Just something to back up what you're saying to them.
And on the odd time they are actually doing the right thing, try to make sure you're letting them know/that you appreciate it. Because for some people they may be assuming that as you aren't suddenly "all fixed" by their comforting words (if only it were that easy, hey??!!) what they're doing isn't working/helping that much. And those words from you might encourage them to do that more/to do that the next time.
And you know, do what helps you too if people aren't understanding, whether that's writing down your feelings, lessening the pressures on yourself, doing something that helps..........
But for all the people who aren't supportive, try to make sure you've got people in your life who are supportive, even if it's us..........hopefully we count as well??!!
Alison

[Astriferous]

I've been in that situation way too many times. The best solution in my opinion is to just cut these people out of your life. It's not a viable solution for everyone, though.

With people giving me proper attention, I've found that my friends don't pay much attention to me when I'm not in a crisis, which has lead to me purposefully starting things in order to get attention. It's crazy, I know, but it was the only way I knew how to get the affection I needed.

Originally Posted by Astriferous

I've been in that situation way too many times. The best solution in my opinion is to just cut these people out of your life.

I completely agree. I did the same - cut them out of my lives. My own parents are insensitive - I've cut them out almost entirely.

Originally Posted by muaythailady88

I totally get that my outlet is the gym and kickboxing xxx

I pity the punching bag at your gym

Hell yeah ! The gym is my 2nd home

Hahahah I pity the fool who boxes with me xxx

[Onward2wards]

((( NoChildSupport )))

Am I the only person around here who's beginning to think the word "insecurity" has become this mindless virtual cudgel that people whack each other over the head with? (and oh yes I've bought into the same social programming garbage, I finally realized).

It is N O R M A L to seek and enjoy comfort and affection when we are feeling like used gum on the bottom of a shoe. (It's nice to get it, but of course there's no guarantee it will be forthcoming). That's true of everyone if they have ANY average social feelings, it just varies by degree. When we feel vulnerable, is it WE who are somehow "wrong", or is it other people around us who actually have the relative empathic capabilities of a great white shark during feeding time?

I'm absolutely not saying that desperately looking for reassuring hugs and absolute validation in an overtly emotional way is a good thing either, because this can set other people off and leave a person dangling from whatever invisible "strings attached" anyone else wishes to apply. So give yourself a break - you're human, you have valid emotional needs (regardless of any diagnostic labels you may have), just don't leave yourself open for being used or attacked.

As for people who genuinely don't "get it" - it's no crime to realize they may be simply ignorant. They aren't stupid, they aren't bad, they just seriously don't know. That being said, why give them the capacity to make you feel worse? If their reactions are genuinely toxic to you, admit that and remove yourself from their presence.

[Astriferous]

Originally Posted by Onward2wards

((( NoChildSupport )))

Am I the only person around here who's beginning to think the word "insecurity" has become this mindless virtual cudgel that people whack each other over the head with? (and oh yes I've bought into the same social programming garbage, I finally realized).

It is N O R M A L to seek and enjoy comfort and affection when we are feeling like used gum on the bottom of a shoe. (It's nice to get it, but of course there's no guarantee it will be forthcoming). That's true of everyone if they have ANY average social feelings, it just varies by degree. When we feel vulnerable, is it WE who are somehow "wrong", or is it other people around us who actually have the relative empathic capabilities of a great white shark during feeding time?

I'm absolutely not saying that desperately looking for reassuring hugs and absolute validation in an overtly emotional way is a good thing either, because this can set other people off and leave a person dangling from whatever invisible "strings attached" anyone else wishes to apply. So give yourself a break - you're human, you have valid emotional needs (regardless of any diagnostic labels you may have), just don't leave yourself open for being used or attacked.

As for people who genuinely don't "get it" - it's no crime to realize they may be simply ignorant. They aren't stupid, they aren't bad, they just seriously don't know. That being said, why give them the capacity to make you feel worse? If their reactions are genuinely toxic to you, admit that and remove yourself from their presence.

You are a fabulous human being.

[Kimaya]

I do not do well with insensitivity. It is a trigger for rage for me. My impulse is to cause harm to the person so that they can bleed just like I am from their judgmental behavior. Its like a double slash with being judgmental in the first place, and in the second doing it over something you are struggling with - the last thing you need is a slap in the face.

I refrain most of the time from lashing out now, but not always...

[Trippin2.0]

How do I deal with it?

Well after I'm able to calm down and think, instead of just feel like an exposed nerve...

I convince myself that its the perfect opportunity for "exposure therapy" and that I need to run with it.

What that means for me is this;

Not everyone can meet all my needs all of the time. Sometimes the person is drowning in their own bullshyt, sometimes I'm just too damn much. Whatever the case may be, my objective is to actively proceed WITHOUT them holding my hand, and thus not only be like "see Lia you didn't die without them!" but also be proud of myself for handling it like a boss.

Sooo that's how I deal with someone being insensitive.

But, that being said, there are different variables to consider...

If the same person is routinely behaving in the same insensitive manner, and are just plain selfish, then they have to go.
No ifs ands or buts.

In the case of my bf? He seemed emotionally distant when we got back together, and I felt slighted. But the truth is, he was still recovering from the confusion of me emotionally and mentally drowning him and he understandably had his guard up.
All he needed was some time and education though.

Once I came clean about the BPD he relaxed quite a bit as I suddenly made more sense than Bipolar ever explained...

Your cousin seems a bit tricky since she's not insensitive when you're feeling stable. Maybe she doesn't know how to handle emotional crisis, or maybe she actively pulls away in order to prevent being your crutch?... idk

Like I said, there are quite a few things to take into context, since people are complex, so I would talk to her about it before deciding on how to proceed.

[iditp20]

My partner is the same. When I need comforting for my mental illness she is completely at a loose end and doesn't know what to do. It is usually because people don't have a clue what you are going through cause they have no personal expierence with it. But if they start to attack you in anyway you have to stand up for yourself even when you have no fight left in you.

[ifst5]

I just step away for a bit...though usually i say something first these days. I think people deserve to know if you're unhappy with them. Even if they could care less i think honesty is always the best policy, it also means you get to step aside with a clear conscience.