[NoChildSupport]

I know it's long but bear with me...

cousin: U say your sensitive... But you are only sensitive to your own self.. There is no sensitivity wen you just get angry on impulse... What happens to the sensitivity. U say u me to treat u the same as i wud my child...What if I wanted u to treat me the same as you treat your mom

cousin: You treat a perform according to their actions and their developmental stages and their temperament. You love them but u can't treat everybody the same, because no two people are the same. U respect your mom enuff not to curse her or tell her u hate her, but u have no respect for me but then u want me to treat u a certain way and jus forget all of what h have said n done to me

cousin: Now... I know u can say, but you've said and done things to me... I was never mean or obnoxious wen saying anything to you... I may have told u things that h cud not handle and you accused me of being mean and hurtful, but I told u the truth. You say ugly mean and cruel things to me that u say or not true u just say it out of anger. U must mean it. U just tell me u dont so ill keep talking to u cause u dont have anything else to do

me: I am not manipulative nor am I pathetic. Expressing myself doesn't make me pathetic. I have been reassured that I am not weak and I'm not a coward.

me: Why couldn't you tell me "the truth" in a less vicious way? And besides, those things you said were OPINIONS.

me: You make me feel bad about myself. I wish I'd die. You tear me down. You never lift me up. You've shattered what little of a self esteem I had left.

me: I just want you to see the way you hurt me sometimes! Why do I always have to get hurt!? Nobody likes me! I can never have a good relationship with anyone! I've always been nice to people now I'm mean and cruel! I'm pathetic both ways! Nobody cares about how I cry myself to sleep. No one cares about all of the pain that I feel. No one wants to be around me or give me a hug. I just want someone to feel what I feel!!!

me: I feel inadequate as a human being. I don't match up to people. Everyone is better than me and more lovable. I have no place in life. I'm a defected person.

me: I want someone to care about my tears.

cousin: Why do u continue to say that no one loves u. U said u have been told that u are not a coward, that u are not weak. Do those people not love you. I never said you were a coward... I told u that acting that way makes u a coward and not being able to Face people is coward... So that u wudnt b that way.

me: Those were people on the internet who do not know me.

cousin: "You make me feel bad about myself. I wish I'd die. You tear me down. You never lift me up. You've shattered what little of a self esteem I had left." U see that statement right there is why I rather not talk to u... U had no self esteem wen I met u... If anything you self esteem wax build up while u were down here. But u choose to blame someone else like I did that to u. How u gon leg someone glad year u down anyway... What does that say about u from the start. U blame me for your issues. U were u wen I met u. U didnt live yourself and I always told. Nice things about yourself to help u find something to

me: But how do you explain me feeling worse after talking to you?

me: Help u love yourself...I rather not be blamed for what ever happened to u. U dont kno what happened to u so u find comfort in using me to blame to give u some sort of comfort to say yeah you did this to me... Oh No!

cousin: So how u gon believe something on the Internet from some people who don't kno u!!!!

me: I said everything that happened.

me: I keep telling you I'm not blaming you! Why can't you swallow the fact that you've said some things that you shouldn't have said?

cousin: Why don't u just understand... I never said anything that I shudnt have said... I said some things that u did not like and u cud not handle and did not want to accept.

me: You do not call someone with a shattered self esteem pathetic or weak or tell them to grow some balls. Being honest does not give you the right to be cruel. You KNOW I need some help.

me: I have also told you things that were "the truth". Then you say I'm being disrespectful or I'm twisting it or you get real defensive. If you can' take it, don't dish it.

cousin: If u don't want to be called that you wud not have been that way. U did not care about being pathetic when u sent me 337 text messages. Now u know that was ridiculous and everyone of them says the same thing

cousin: Really. Only things I'm talking about us u blaming me for issues you've had for years and expecting me to treat u a certain way wen you are disrespectful. U cursed me. U slammed my doors. U always say u hate me. Do I do that to you, really! I call u on your actions.

cousin: Yes, I get defensive wen you blaming me for something I didn't do..u just want me to not be able to handle stuff that u say. Most of it has no barren on me. I didn't say it was a good thing not to have no emotion from it, but I don't. Why do I want someone else to feel like u feel.. U dont like the way it feel so why wud u be selfish and want someone else to hurt. If I'm hurting, I don't want that pain inflicted on anybody, not even my enemies

me: I don't want someone else to hurt. I want someone to SEE

me: How can anyone help me if they don't fully understand. A person can be perfectly happy and healthy and still understand me.

[pegasus]

There is an awful lot of 'you' in there, the blame game! ' I ' statements are better and then it doesn't sound like a blaming situation. I always think communication is better than no communication but if there is finger pointing going on then it gets nasty. I hope you can both work things out.

Nons will never understand huni xx don't let it define you

Hi, love. Read through this and here's some major things that I saw.

"me: I keep telling you I'm not blaming you! Why can't you swallow the fact that you've said some things that you shouldn't have said?"

and then,

"me: You make me feel bad about myself. I wish I'd die. You tear me down. You never lift me up. You've shattered what little of a self esteem I had left."

Here you're clearly trying to put the blame on her. You're saying that she tears you down and makes you feel bad about yourself. That you don't have self esteem because she shattered it, which do you really think is the case? Be honest.

"I just want you to see the way you hurt me sometimes! Why do I always have to get hurt!? Nobody likes me! I can never have a good relationship with anyone! I've always been nice to people now I'm mean and cruel! I'm pathetic both ways! Nobody cares about how I cry myself to sleep. No one cares about all of the pain that I feel. No one wants to be around me or give me a hug."

And here you're guilt tripping her. Trying to get her to feel your pain so that she'll validate your feelings and comfort you, perhaps. So that she'll tell you she's wrong and you're right. But mostly that you want validation and comfort and security, I think, because you don't feel comfortable or secure with yourself and you want her to tell you you're not a terrible person.

And I also notice a lot of 'I' statements.

I know how terrible this all feels. Right now you're very emotional and wanting your feelings validated and I think it might be good for you to attempt a conversation from her if she's willing where you're not blaming her or making her feel guilty or anything, get a small bit of validation from her if possible, but don't push her, and then, again, I think you should try to distance yourself from her for a while and sort through your thoughts/try to validate yourself and heal, learn to enjoy your own company, etc.

Your cousin seems really upset and at a loss for what to do or say to help you. She seems to not think she can and thinks that she's said things that she thought was helpful, and she's hurt over your behavior.

No one can save you. You alone have to (and, I believe, can) save yourself.

I hope you feel better. I'm sorry this is happening, and I know it's not easy to get better but I think it's possible. I'm sorry you're in so much pain.

[NoChildSupport]

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

Hi, love. Read through this and here's some major things that I saw.

"me: I keep telling you I'm not blaming you! Why can't you swallow the fact that you've said some things that you shouldn't have said?"

and then,

"me: You make me feel bad about myself. I wish I'd die. You tear me down. You never lift me up. You've shattered what little of a self esteem I had left."

Here you're clearly trying to put the blame on her. You're saying that she tears you down and makes you feel bad about yourself. That you don't have self esteem because she shattered it, which do you really think is the case? Be honest.

"I just want you to see the way you hurt me sometimes! Why do I always have to get hurt!? Nobody likes me! I can never have a good relationship with anyone! I've always been nice to people now I'm mean and cruel! I'm pathetic both ways! Nobody cares about how I cry myself to sleep. No one cares about all of the pain that I feel. No one wants to be around me or give me a hug."

And here you're guilt tripping her. Trying to get her to feel your pain so that she'll validate your feelings and comfort you, perhaps. So that she'll tell you she's wrong and you're right. But mostly that you want validation and comfort and security, I think, because you don't feel comfortable or secure with yourself and you want her to tell you you're not a terrible person.

And I also notice a lot of 'I' statements.

I know how terrible this all feels. Right now you're very emotional and wanting your feelings validated and I think it might be good for you to attempt a conversation from her if she's willing where you're not blaming her or making her feel guilty or anything, get a small bit of validation from her if possible, but don't push her, and then, again, I think you should try to distance yourself from her for a while and sort through your thoughts/try to validate yourself and heal, learn to enjoy your own company, etc.

Your cousin seems really upset and at a loss for what to do or say to help you. She seems to not think she can and thinks that she's said things that she thought was helpful, and she's hurt over your behavior.

No one can save you. You alone have to (and, I believe, can) save yourself.

I hope you feel better. I'm sorry this is happening, and I know it's not easy to get better but I think it's possible. I'm sorry you're in so much pain.

When I said I wasn't blaming her I was talking about how I wasn't saying it was her fault that I'm the way that I am. I know it's not her fault. I was telling her that she's simply not helping and she's adding to the damage. I wanted her to try and be sensitive. I always feel awful for when I'm abusive towards her but she never feels any remorse for the abuse she's given to me. And I know she's hurt over my behavior. I cry over how much I've hurt her. But people don't seem to care about how she's treated me and talked to me.

[Crazy Hitch]

I agree with one of the above posters.

People without bpd can find it very difficult to understand and empathize with us.

Originally Posted by NoChildSupport

When I said I wasn't blaming her I was talking about how I wasn't saying it was her fault that I'm the way that I am. I know it's not her fault. I was telling her that she's simply not helping and she's adding to the damage. I wanted her to try and be sensitive. I always feel awful for when I'm abusive towards her but she never feels any remorse for the abuse she's given to me. And I know she's hurt over my behavior. I cry over how much I've hurt her. But people don't seem to care about how she's treated me and talked to me.

I understand. You can't control what she say or does though. You can't make her be sensitive. It can be a hard thing to understand or deal with unfortunately.

[comethisfar]

True, non-BPDs never fully understand. But that doesn't mean we don't care. I can only add a couple of things: your cousin cares. It would be easier for her to avoid this "truth telling" on both sides as I am sure it is painful for both of you. Secondly, you need to decide what is more important for you: have your point heard or have a caring relationship? If you want to have a caring relationship (and what I am about to say is true for everyone. I have just come to believe it is harder for BPDs because of the intensity of emotions) the best thing is to walk away when a conversation gets too tough, organize your thoughts and feelings and go back to it. My T has recommended to walk away from any situation that is a 6 or above on a scale from 1 (not emotional/ hurtful) to 10 (very hurtful) and it works (most of the time :-) ).

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