[butterflypower]

Hi, my name is Jessica. I'm 19 years old, and was diagnosed with bipolar in December. However, my therapist believes it's borderline personality disorder after answering questions for like two hours. I see the doctor on February 9th for more answers.
I read up on borderline personality disorder and it makes a lot of sense.
I tend to believe that my boyfriend is up to no good. I'm terrified that he is going to leave me. I get so upset when I see pretty girls because I'm like "Oh my boyfriend would much rather her than me". I get so upset for no reason. The other day, I kept crying because he wouldn't go to sleep with me because he wasn't tired and he kept going to a different room. My cousin was over as well and I kept thinking he was going to do something to her.
When I look back on it I realize that I was being weird. However, I cannot control my thoughts.
Just a few minutes ago, this girl that works with my boyfriend was asking if there was an apartment opened in my apartment complex. Thank God there isn't because that would definitely make me think he's cheating. I hate her just because she works with him. It's ridiculous because I know he wouldn't do anything.
I really wish I could stop being so paranoid. Also, I believe my fear of abandonment is from my parents passing away. My mom passed away when I was 9 and my dad when I was 17. My boyfriend is the only person I have, and I feel like I'm always trying to protect him from leaving me. We've been together for 2.5 years.

I take Zyprexa, Trazodone, and Trileptal.
I stopped my meds for almost a month because they couldn't refill it until I saw the doctor. I'm finally back on my medicine since Friday.
I wasn't on it long enough to notice a difference.

I just want all these thoughts to go away. The paranoia and suicidal intentions.
I want to be 'normal'.

I understand your paranoia very well. While I've never been successful in resolving it, I am certain of what I'm about to tell you.

This may make no sense whatsoever, but the best way to lose your boyfriend or to make him cheat, is to be insecure about him or suspect him of cheating or confront him about it.

The best way to keep your boyfriend, and to keep him happy, is to give him all the space he wants. Let him hang out with his buddies, including female friends. If you give him his space, he will most likely appreciate you, and also realize how much you mean to him.

They say that "distance makes the heart grow fonder." Let's think about it for a minute. Let's say you went away on a trip without your bf. Suddenly, all the things that you used to take for granted, like watching your nighttime movie with him ... gone ! You'll miss him like crazy ! Now, put him in the same situation. You give him his space ... he's out doing something without you there and without you texting him and asking when he's going to be back. He's going to start thinking about you, sooner or later ! And, he will make his way back to you ! As weird as this sounds, it's true.

You know about supply and demand in economics, right ? Gas prices - the more we want it, the higher the price to pay for it (the less available it is). Strangely, it's the same with people in relationships. The more you make yourself available, the less you will be in demand And, the more desperately you want something, the less it will present itself to you.

Seems counter-intuitive, right ? And it is ! Relationships are all about pushing and pulling. The tricky part is to know how much to pull and how much to push, and when ! Too much pulling and you're clingy and insecure. Too much pushing and you don't care enough. But, there is enough of a grey area there for you to experiment with.

I know this sounds weird and difficult, but try to start giving your bf some space. Try this in small amounts. Observe his response to it. If he really does value you, this is only going to do wonders for your relationship. If he doesn't value you, he's going to cheat on you anyway, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. So no point being worried about it.

[butterflypower]

I understand, but it's easier said than done.
I will try harder to give him space, and see what happens.

Originally Posted by butterflypower

I understand, but it's easier said than done.
I will try harder to give him space, and see what happens.

Everything in this world is easier said than done.

Hopefully, you'll find it easier to do before you reach my age (31). At that point, there's no point doing anything anymore.

Sometimes, you have to learn the hard way, and that is the best way to learn. You'll learn

[Fuzzybear]

[butterflypower]

Do I tell my professors about me being bipolar and borderline?

Originally Posted by butterflypower

Do I tell my professors about me being bipolar and borderline?

Absolutely not. In fact you don't tell anyone. Not even your mom or dad, if you can help it.

[butterflypower]

Thanks.

Originally Posted by butterflypower

Thanks.

The moment you tell someone about your illnesses, they automatically put you in a different category of "abnormal people" or "people to avoid" or "the 'don't pick up phone' list".

It ain't fun, esp. if you live in a small town and ignorant people spread the word about you like wildfire and pretty soon, you have no friends left.

Don't, really.

[butterflypower]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

The moment you tell someone about your illnesses, they automatically put you in a different category of "abnormal people" or "people to avoid" or "the 'don't pick up phone' list".

It ain't fun, esp. if you live in a small town and ignorant people spread the word about you like wildfire and pretty soon, you have no friends left.

Don't, really.

I do live in a small town, and it's ridiculous.

I talked to my family about my disorder before, and they shunned me. They don't think I take medicine anymore so they're okay now with me. They didn't believe I had anything wrong and that I was going to be addicted to my medicine. They don't see the struggle in my mind. My boyfriend knows that there's something wrong because he lives with me. He understands because his mom is bipolar. His family is very supportive.
I just have to pretend everything is okay around them.
Like one of brothers mentioned me going to the 'nut house' on Facebook a couple months back. My family has mental issues they don't address. All they do is drugs and alcohol and deny they have a problem.
My sister is the only one who understands that I need to be on medication on my side of my family.

I don't have many friends anyways. Only my cousin and a friend from high school. It's mainly my cousin and boyfriend I talked to about my issues because they're always there for me.

I'm back on medicine and I'm not saying a word to my family about it.
I wish this world was more understanding about mental illnesses.

Originally Posted by butterflypower

I wish this world was more understanding about mental illnesses.

This one sentence of yours woke me up ... in a hurry !

As someone who has learned a lot of things the hard way, I must say - the fewer expectations you have of this world and the people in it, the easier your life will be

It's not just understanding about mental illnesses, it's a lot more. You'll find out that the world is a wicked place, family doesn't mean what they teach us in school, love and marriage are a hell of a lot more complicated than movies portray them to be, etc, etc.

That is ok, as long as you're prepared to accept it in your mind. It's really all about how you react to the world being the way it is, that will dictate the quality of your life. You can have a great life, despite all of this crap. Or a very miserable one.

Best

[butterflypower]

Thank you for all your advice!

Originally Posted by butterflypower

Thank you for all your advice!

You're welcome. Sorry if I sound like an imposing overbearing presence. Too much information ...

I guess part of why I do this is because I never had a youth. So, when I see the opportunity to improve a young person's life (that would be yours), I try to grab it.

[butterflypower]

No it's great advise, and I don't mind it!

I'm glad I'm trying to get better now instead of messing up life somehow.
I would be the exact way. Like I advise high schoolers to do their best because colleges are going to notice!