[HereGoesNothin]

Okay, so I'm pissed. This may be a shock, but I just found out like a week ago that tucking children in isn't just a movie thing. I was talking to my girlfriend about her childhood and she mentioned her mom tucking her in almost every night, I burst into tears and she was entirely confused. I'm 18 years old and I didn't even know it was a real thing. I have never been tucked in. I don't know why it's such an issue but it's hitting me really hard. I just wish that when I got upset my mom had come into my room, told me everything was okay, tucked me in and kissed my forehead, but instead I was told to grow up, that the world didn't revolve around me and my problems. Instead of caring when I started cutting she got angry. Instead of being supportive she yelled. When I got in trouble she cut me off from the only people that could make me feel better. Nothing I ever did or do now was or is good enough for her. I honestly believe she hates me. I think she's embarrassed by me. When I went home in November for Thanksgiving, she saw fresh scars on my arm, she looked at me all she said was, "That better f***ing stop." No remorse, no motherly love, nothing. But what did I expect? The only time she ever let me see a therapist when I was a kid was when the school made her take me to one.

I want to hate her, but I want her to love me.

[littlebitlost]

Oh honey. <3 This just breaks my heart!

I am so sorry you didn't have normal bedtime stuff.

It's normal and natural to crave your mothers love, approval and acceptance. Totally normal. I am *30* and am really close to my Mumma still. I need her love, approval and acceptance.

I know that knowing that changes nothing for you though.

I think your mother has some pretty serious problems of her own, and you wear some of the shyt from that.

I wish I could tuck you in tongiht.

[Verity81]

My mother was emotionally abusive and I spent many years trying to repair something I hadn't even broken. In my 30's I stopped contact for the sake of my mental health. We can't make people love us or support us but we can search for that in our adult life. I have a husband and step daughters now and I finally know what love is. Don't lose hope there are people out there friends, partner who will love you for who you are x

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[HereGoesNothin]

I just want to say thanks to both of you, for taking the time to reply. I just really struggle sometimes with her. Well, all the time. She makes no effort to understand anything I do or any of my reasoning. I'm sure after I've been away from her a little longer I'll start to feel better though, and I'm already working on replacing the love I never got from her, we'll see how that goes.
Keep in touch!
And thanks again for the support!

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Yes, that is very hard. It was almost 'normal' when I was growing up (1960s) but it has persisted and still happens. You know yourself what can happen when a child if not given the emotional support needed. It is not your fault and you deserve better.

[shezbut]

((((((HereGoesNothin))))))

I am sorry that your mom hasn't fulfilled her duties with you ~ that is very painful. You have every right to feel hurt and angry. It is even more difficult when you add in the fact that part of you still really wants your mother's attention and affection.

I hope that you're able to grow and heal in your time away from home. Gentle hugs to you ~ best wishes!

[Crazy Hitch]

I am so sorry.

It's not right.

And you didn't deserve it.

I'm over comments on my arms. I just usually wear bangles anyway to cover them up. If someone passed a comment to me about them like that, I don't really know how I'd react. Sometimes I just think it's hard for other people to understand. But I think it's just as hard for us too.

(hugs)

[HereGoesNothin]

Thanks again, I'm feeling a lot better today than I was when I wrote that, but it still hurts thinking about her. I have about 3 weeks left until I have to see her again, maybe this time while we're in the car she'll decide to be nice for a few hours.
But no sense worrying about something like that, I'm probably just getting my hopes up for nothing.
Also, Hooligan, a quick statement about my arms. I made a promise a long time ago to someone that no matter how bad I got, I wouldn't SI on the right side of my body, because she'd made the same promise to one of her friends. So my right arm is fine, but that's also where I wear my bracelets, it usually distracts people from looking at my left, and it worked pretty well, it took her about two or three months to see those scars.

[butterflypower]

I wasn't able to experience that since my mom passed away when I was 9. My dad was always gone for work. I lives with some abusive people. Then finally my dad realized they were bad people and I lived with my brother and his wife. My dad passed away when I was 17. I'm 19 right now.
It bothers me how people talk about their family. I hated my orientation for college because everyone had their parents.

My family is supportive about my disorder either. They don't know that I'm back on medicine. I learned that I cannot discuss my issues with them because they are too critical.
They only yell or criticized me about my disorders. They don't understand how difficult it is to live with this disorder. I'm having such a hard time. When I think about suicide they et mad and say that I would go to hell. It makes no sense if I do because it's an illness. Like people have diabetes and take insulin. They don't understand that it's the same with a mental illness. People are not educated about mental illnesses.

Sorry I went into a little rant.