BPD and Marriage

Hey everyone. I'm 25, gay and married to a great woman. Met her 7 years ago, dated off and on for 5, and married over a year now. In the beginning we were very similar and very dark. We both hated ourselves, thought we were disgusting and worthless, and the foundation of our relationship was very suicidal. Since we recently got married, everything has been so negative. I'm still stuck in that old mentality and she has mentally and emotionally matured, so I feel as if our connection is lost somewhere. We have been arguing so much, that I end up doing crazy things. I make small things into the end our the world and our relationship. I always think she secretly hates and that she is stuck in this relationship because I manipulated her. We have a pretty codependent relationship and we both know for a fact we couldn't live without the other person, but I constantly create chaos in our lives. I have PTSD from being abused in childhood and am used to very big things happening and then the next day kind of just brushing it off and see what's next. I get bored often and I sabotage trust when I get too happy. When I drink, I get blacked out drunk and my wife is having to deal with me getting mad at her for something. I have no self worth and just think I'm just the worst, most terrible and ugly person to walk the earth.

I love my wife very much, and she's my best friend, which is why I am considering leaving her. She deserves someone great, someone that doesn't cause drama, someone she can trust who isn't unpredictable all the time, someone stable so she can feel safe and not worry about the next mess she will have to clean up. I just want her to be happy. I love her so much so shouldn't I just set her free and let her find peace in someone else? please help, BPD is a mad struggle

Have you talked with her about this possibility? I think it would be good to know about the other person's view.
I mean, perhaps you are not such a horrible person and what about trying with therapy. Perhaps, you can both fix things.
A person always can improve and learn from his/her mistakes.

Do you think you can manage your disorder and make her happy? You don't need reply here it's only a question I leave for yourself.

Good luck, whatever decission you take.

I agree with AzulOscuro. Maybe you shouldn't make that desicion for her. Talk to her about the possibility you might be leaving. Make sure to reiterate the fact that you are not abandoning her, but that this may be for her own good. I totally understand what you are going through . Im in such a similar situation, although my gf has a substance abuse addiction, has issues with lying and has considered leaving ME to make me happy. When she spoke with me about that I thought it to be absurd and out of the blue. Dont get me wrong, I appreciated what she was trying to do for me but if she had told me before dropping that bomb that she was considering it, I would have squashed that idea all together. My point is that yes, there may be someone out there who would"treat me better" although that someone could never be her and I feel wouldn't understand me as much. (Though if you have borderline its generally difficult for others to understand because a great amount of the time we have no idea how to understand ourselves) Ask her how she feels. But don't make that decision for her because you don't want her resenting you on the end. Good luck! Let us know how things go.