[Sourcherry18]

Hi.
I am relatively new to this forum and I don't really know where to start.
I have stumbled upon a book about BPD yesterday at a bookstore and I felt like suddenly the past few years of my life made sense.

Let me explain: I have had horrible mood-swings (mostly from normal to suicidal thoughts) and I kept pushing away and pulling back people into my life for 4 years, blaming it all on some outside factor all the time.
The first year (I was 19) thought it was happening because I'm from a poor country and my life pretty much revolved around my ****** job and my family's money problems.
The second year, I moved to Canada, where money problems were absent after a while, so I thought I would be "normal" then. But I kept feeling empty, aimless and worthless in life. I thought it must have been because I was so far from my family and friends (I moved alone).
The third year, I moved to the Netherlands, where money wasn't an issue either, I got relatively good jobs in both places (compared to what I did in my home country). I was 21, the mood-swings still went on and I just thought it was because I was still just "hanging", my ultimate goal, to attend university abroad, seemed so far.

Now I'm in the fourth year, I'm attending university, have a job and I decided to seek help to put an end to this.
Or more like, my boyfriend of 8 months asked me to seek help. I'm horrified by medicines and doctors (for no particular reason, I just think chemicals are bad for the body). I visited a GP here and she told me I had 2 options:
she can prescribe me antidepressants or birth control, as my mood-swings might be associated with hormonal problems (I also have a messed-up cycle). I didn't tell her about my maniac feeling of abandonment by some reason, I thought it sounded stupid and it was just something I personally stuggle with so there might not be a general cure for that.

I am starting the birth control next month, but that book yesterday turned my opinions around. I remembered the times I have tried to push my boyfriend away saying "break up with me now, so I don't have to suffer in the future" and breaking down in a crying session when he was 30 minutes late from a date because of a train delay.

My family still lives in my home country, I don't have many friends (the friends I made at university dropped out after the 1st semester - feeling of abandonment much, I didn't even try to make new ones) so basically the only one who suffers is my boyfriend, and me of course.

I'm still hesitant to go to a doctor again (I thought I go once, take the pills and it'll be alright), saying this might not be hormonal. I also don't want to self-diagnose based on google, but I don't know how to seek for help. Therapy here costs a fortune and I first have to be advised by a GP to be able to make an appointment with a specialist.
How did everyone get the courage to go out and seek help?

[CopperStar]

Some therapists will offer a cash discount. Also make sure you find a therapist who is very familiar with personality disorders and who isn't afraid to get down in the trenches with you as far as DBT/CBT work. If finances are an issue, then it's important to be politely assertive and stress upfront that you don't have much spare money and so your sessions need to count, you need a proactive therapist who will do more than just sit there giving you placating nods and comments.

Also, a lot of therapists will prefer not to label you, even if you meet the criteria for BPD. I ran into that while trying therapy, I never received a diagnosis, but we did the work, anyway. I think the reason is because BPD gets a lot of negative stigma even among psych professionals (which is ridiculous, but true none the less), and also because they don't want a person with lots of shame issues and a weak sense of self latching onto a label like BPD as if to say, "This is what I am, I am bad, and this is what it's called." They would rather have you focusing on specific issues and seeing yourself as a unique and complex human being who has some issues, not as "a borderline" and whatnot.

[Nicky123]

Hi Sourcherry, For me it was not a matter of courage where I sought help. Help came to me because of substance abuse problems that I had from my mid teens. However, after spending much of my life in and out of psychiatric services, it was only recently that I received a diagnosis of BPD. I do remember reading about BPD several years ago and thinking 'that's me' but forgot about it. If I might suggest that you take the 'pill' as prescribed and see if that makes any difference and if not it's really important that you get a referral to get a diagnosis or not. I wish I could have got an early diagnosis because I totally ruined my life in all areas, whether it be through substance abuse or self sabotage because I hated myself so much. Knowing what is 'wrong' is half the battle because you can get help and learn to lead a more healthy and fulfilled life. I wish you well.

[Sourcherry18]

@Nicky123, I don't really have problems with substance abuse, luckily, I only have a fear of pills (basically any kind of medicine) but that should disappear soon as I go on birth control..
Sorry to hear you got diagnosed late, but better late then never!

@Copperstar, medical care in the Netherlands is weird, but I'm trying to find something that fits into my insurance.. It's just that this whole therapy thing already has a bad reputation ("people who go to therapy are crazy") so I'm afraid to bring it out there...