[henrydavidtherobot]

Every once in a while if I drink when I’m depressed I go too hard and suffer from a horrible depression the next day. I still drink because it happens infrequently enough that drinking is still fun.

But yeah.. It’s one of those days. Every single problem I have is acting up.

I’ve been pretty depressed. I just moved to a big American city from Beijing. I can’t find work in my field, have nothing in common with anyone, and am broke. My roommate is a bit of a **** to me and my self esteem is crashing. One thing that is going well is my relationship. I’m in love with a man I met here. He’s the nicest person ever.

I didn’t really click with his friends last time I saw them because they didn’t seem too interested in getting to know me. They were shocked to find that I wasn’t studying law or in grad school. Last night, i was at a party for them and I hate parties and wanted to leave but he wouldn’t let me. I decided to escape by blacking out.

Apparently, I was a bit rude to one girl. I apologized and she said it’s cool, but my bf is annoyed with me. I’m embarrassed and ashamed. I also fell and hurt myself walking home and told my bf that if it wasn’t for him that I would slit my wrists (I don’t feel this way). I have no idea wtf was wrong with me.

I opened up about my BPD today and apologized and talked it out with him. He’s supportive, but I feel like he’s getting fed up with me. He left me last night and almost didn’t have me over tonight because he has a big day tomorrow. We spend almost every night together.

Today, I’m a wreck. I crying and resisting the urge to injure myself. I almost drove to another state just to have something to distract myself. I feel like everyone is good and I’m bad/dirty/defective and I can’t get happy. It took me forever to get home because talking to my roommates seemed to stressful to me.

I’m really depressed. I see a T. Medicine doesn’t work. I don’t know how to get happy because I can’t change anything in my life. Help

[JanLeiden]

Hi,

I see this post is a couple of days old so you might feel far away from this right now, if you do hopefully it's in the right direction.

I usually feel great after heavily drinking, weird right? If i drink way too much, a habit i don't have anymore, the next morning i would wake up with this feeling of clarity of emotion, an almost stillness. It never lasted too too long but it was always so noticeable the moment my eyes opened.

You know how to get happy, your problem is staying happy and conquering the fear that your happiness will never return once it is gone. That might sound silly but it's not a distinction without a difference. The language you tell yourself, the way you narrate your life through your thoughts matters greatly. The whole black and white thing makes this especially hard for people with BPD but in another way it also can make it easier aswell for us.

We've got this like superpower of being able to rapidly change our emotions at the drop of a hat. What's the spiderman line, from those awful movies: "With power comes responsibility" or some such. We've got special powers and it's our responsibility to try and use them for good instead of bad in the little emotional wars we fight with ourselves.


You'll notice i am not talking about your boyfriend or your roomate because they're pawns on this chessboard. You're the queen! and the king and the horsie and every other piece that matters.


I can't think of anything else to say right now as i don't know if you think i am an idiot or not. If you do i can try a different tactic.

[Luctor]

I can totally relate. Getting blackout drunk was often my answer to life's problems. The next day I felt incredibly anxious and depressed.

It's good your BF is being supportive. What helps me is I try keep in mind how my moods and behaviour affect the people around me, because being BPD we tend to get so caught up in our own stuff that we forget about the impact we have on others. And it's usually a big impact - positive or negative.

Confide in your BF. As for his support. Apologise when you've made mistakes and be grateful if he does look after you. But above all, remember, you have an illness that you didn't ask for, that causes you immense distress. You will make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up if you do. Make reparations and resolve to try harder next time.

I hope you're feeling better today. And to reiterate what JanLeiden said, you are a wonderfully sensitive human being, as all of us BPDs are. Use your powers for good