Pretty Sure I'm losing it...

I need some guidance from people who know what I am talking about here...

Been in treatment for about 8 years now. Was ultimately given the diagnosis of Bi Polar 2 with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. For the last 5 years I have taken Prozac and Abilify with Xanax as needed because that seems to be what I feel the least "crazy" on.*

I feel just okay with this diagnosis. I have never really felt like I related to all of the symptoms of bipolar. I don't feel like I ever get "manic" as they would describe it. But I could relate to all the symptoms of the depression. So it had to be right, right? Nothing else they suggested seemed to fit.

I have learned many coping skills over the years of therapy. So I am managing, I am what they are calling "balanced". I have my occasional bad days... The days I fly off the handle for no freaking reason. The days I am so irritable I cant even stand to hear people talk. The days I feel a little off. The days I feel a bump or a bruise or feel a twang and decide I MUST be dying of something and start to obsess or end up in the ER. But, this is just Anxiety, right? ... so that must be it and this is the best I will ever feel...

5 days ago I was in the kitchen... Standing at the sink... Wow I really have an amazing life. I have been married for 18 years and this man is still totally in love with me. I mean he would have to be to stick with me through all this bull crap behavior he has dealt with over all these years... I have 2 amazing kids, well adjusted. A great house, good job, car. Awesome dog... everything I or anyone could ever hope for. I should be on cloud 9! I should be the happiest woman on the planet. What in the world would I have to complain about????

So why I am not happy? Why do I constantly struggle day to day with horrible negative thoughts. Is this bipolar? Is this just that I am ill? Will I feel this way forever? No one addresses this evil, this emptiness feeling with bipolar. I honestly went as far as to think, I am possessed? Is there a demon inside me? Is there an inherent evil inside that makes me act the way I do and say the things I say.

Why do I feel like I am a fake person? Why do I feel like I say things that people want to hear when in my head I am swearing them up and down. Is that me? Is that the evil? The evil that I could just never show to anyone. Not even my husband. Why do I feel like no one likes me ALL the time? Everyone is against me. Why am I so unlovable? Why do I have NO confidence? So sense of self worth?*

I have felt this way my entire life. There has always been something "off" about me. Mother was emotionally withdrawn for being extremely abused. My father was extremely mentally and physically abusive. I can remember at a very young age, maybe 8, telling myself I could not get close to anyone because everything will eventually leave or die. No one, from the cat to my Mother.*

Parents had my in therapy at 14. My mom saw that I had carved the word "WHY" in my arm. Ran down to grab dinner and forgot I had on short sleeves... they found me out.*

That's when the Doctors and therapy started. Each time a bad experience but able to take away some coping skills and a little better understanding that overall I am ill in some way and that it is something I have to manage for my loved ones. So I take the medicine and I deep breathe, constantly apologize, etc.

In summary I have had a rough go of life. I was pregnant at 15. Married at 17. In my early 20's I was the worst. I dropped 70 pounds in 6 months. I was having daily panic attacks. Serious substance abuse problems to control the anxiety and just stop the constant negative EVERYTHING. Horrible behavior. I cheated on my husband. Left him for 9 months to live with my parents. I was out of control. I ended up in the mental ward.*

After the mental ward I made a promise to myself and my husband that I would do everything in my power to never get that bad again. I was going to devote my everything to my family and fight everyday. That was 7 years ago. 5 years ago I spiraled again into a deep depression and tried to OD on pills. Ended up in the hospital. This time he told me "Ever again, you will never see me or your children again." So, for the past 5 years I have been fairly "balanced"... on the outside. Everyone close to me just accepts that "Well she is crazy and she has her bad days, her meltdowns."*

But WHY? So I started researching... Borderline Personality Disorder.
I found BPD and I started reading... and reading... and reading. Every sentence I read I can relate to. I feel absolutely surreal. This is ME! I read through the 9 symptoms. I have all 9. Not 5 of 9. All 9. But wait, I cant believe this. I have bipolar right?*

More reading... couple days have gone by. Everything I do and say I am analyzing, relating to what I have read. Is that me or BPD? I have read through old journals. I see the handwriting changes for day to day. I see the hate on day and the love the next. I totally understand the Love/Hate feelings. Look, I understand every symptom and have that exact behavior. So yes, I accept. I stand up, I have BPD.

Everything I knew about BPD up to this point was that these people are the worst. They are evil and have no remorse and will eat your soul. There is no help for these people... But I always feel SO guilty so that cant be me...
So what now? What does this mean for me? How can I possibly tell my husband and my family that I am not Bipolar but I am Borderline? Everything I have put them through all these years. I can't do it. I can NOT start over. So this is something I have to understand and deal with alone.*

So here is where I am now... My anxiety is out of control. Here is why... Who the hell am I? Feeling fake, feeling not like myself all the time. I have no control over emotions and do not see reality the way non BPD people do. This is why no one ever understands me. Behavior that I thought was my own, is not, it is BPD. I take full responsibility for my actions, do not get me wrong. I do not blame others for my bad behavior, I know it is all me. I learned that years ago.

What I am saying is what I thought was my own personality was not at all. That I in fact have no real personality. I have no identity. I mimic others. I tell people what they want to hear to make things so smoothly. All the while I am dying inside.*

Is this my destiny? Am I a shell of a human just walking around like a mirror? Feeling like I am an actor playing the role of myself in a movie I am watching... and internally hating everything about everything.

I cant even explain it. Am I a monster? Do I get the hell out before I do more damage? Do I tell my family to RUN!?!

If anyone can relate to this nonsense please reach out to me. I need some serious advice on where to go from here. I feel like nothing is real and I feel so much guilt for what I am. I feel so lost.

*****

Yeah you pretty much summed BPD up quite well, I'm sorry you see people with BPD in such a negative perspective. The truth is we are not all horrible people and neither are you. The fact that you can now finally put your finger on the real problem is a wonderful thing most of us were diagnosed Bipolar as well for years and years until we said ENOUGH none of the Bipolar meds or coping truly helps deep down we feel empty, alone, wildly misunderstood and in steady agonizing pain something else is going on!

You can get help for BPD, I am currently in therapy for it and a lot of the BPD therapy programs are similar you get your own therapist and psychiatrist and also go to group therapy called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy or DBT for short. These therapist are on call most of the day to help you use the DBT skills while in crisis and to help you cope if you are having suicidal thoughts or self harming actions/thoughts.

Don't leave your family just go get the help you need I have changed dramatically since I started therapy and it's only been 8 weeks I still have bad days and I still have a long way to go around 4 years for all the therapy that has been planned out for me.

But the truth is BPD is a serious mental illness and you should seek out a professional that will help you it is not the end of the world finding out you have it, in my opinion it's the beginning of a whole new life you never knew you could have because you can finally get the right treatment plan started.

My group therapist said the most important thing you will learn in DBT is FREEDOM

That was such a nice post ThunderGoddess.

((justwow43)), you are there, you are you, try not to beat yourself up. It really sounds like you developed this challenge because of the dysfunction you grew up with, not your fault. You were pregnant very young, and married very young too. You didn't really have the time to go through those teen years of developing as a person because you were a mother then a wife. It sounds to me like you had to grow up much too fast because of the dysfunction taking place with your parents then bingo you are a parent. It's no wonder your early 20's were so crazy. And no wonder you struggled with all that anxiety. The typical teen can experience anxiety you know, but you were not the typical teen, you were suddenly having to be very responsible. My guess is all that really scared you at times which is why you looked for an escape and experimented with some drugs.

So you are suddenly 43 and standing at your sink seeing what you have that you should be happy about but are missing something. Well, many 43 year old women have those moments.

I just want to make sure I mention something important though, 43 is at the age of menopaus too. You could also be premenopausal or even going through a change as some women that age do go through menopaus and you should have your estrogen levels checked. Never rule that out of the equation from here on, a gynocologist can do a blood test to check your estrogen levels. A change in estrogen levels can make depression worse.

If you do have what is called BPD, as ThunderGoddess mentioned you can get treatment for it, and it doesn't mean you are a bad person either.

That being said, it is actually "normal" for an individual to feel a bit lost at different stages of their lives. These stages are at 20, 30, 40, 50 and so on.