[TryingToMoveForward]

My therapist told me I am a mild case of BPD because she didn't notice I had it. She diagnosed be as histrionic. I remember when I was feeling suicidal last November I informed some friends and asked them to check in on me. And my therapist said I had done it for attention. I remember getting very angry and upset about that. Because to some degree yes it was for attention, but I was honestly suicidal and I wanted my friends to help keep me safe. But to her I was doing it to get attention and I guess she thought I wasn't serious. Despite my history of suicidal ideation and behavior. So I got hit with histrionic, especially since I dressed alternative and had blood red hair. Funny, that when I dyed my hair brown, and stopped dressing punk, my personality disorder magically disappeared. Sorry. I'm a little bitter about this.

I was punk for over a decade. I got told I'm doing it for attention and too old, so I stopped and lost what little sense of identity I had just to counter the fact I was "histrionic".

Anyway, I'm reading that book about BPD and identify with EVERYTHING. Suddenly my behavior and feelings are making so much sense. Just because a decade ago I got a good handle on my self-harm behavior/impulses doesn't mean I'm not BPD. It just means I successfully fight the urge to hurt myself. And trust me. The urges are there. They never go away. But I don't lash out at random. I'm like...a quiet BPD. As the book said, BPD is different for everyone. It may be mild compared to other people, but its still a really big problem.

Other people don't get the sensitivity. What its like to go without validation your whole life. The abuse. Actually being abandoned. People with this disorder HAVE experienced traumatic abandonment in some form. So it isn't all in our heads and I get so angry when people say it is in our head. People say that. "Oh, that's not really abandonment..." Its like yes. Yes it is. Maybe to them it wouldn't be, but everyone experiences things differently. I get so angry over this though. So many can't fathom what I went through, and what I go through on a daily basis.

But there is an end to BPD. You can recover from it. That gives me hope. I'm really looking forward to doing DBT.

[Seraphine]

I relate to so much of this. *hugs *

[TryingToMoveForward]

Originally Posted by Seraphine

I relate to so much of this. *hugs *

The reason I like this part of the forum is because people get it and can relate. You have no idea how much I love and need that.

[Seraphine]

Yes! Others don't really understand how good it feels to actually feel less alone. Especially this part.
"Other people don't get the sensitivity. What its like to go without validation your whole life. The abuse. Actually being abandoned. People with this disorder HAVE experienced traumatic abandonment in some form. So it isn't all in our heads and I get so angry when people say it is in our head. People say that. "Oh, that's not really abandonment..." Its like yes. Yes it is. Maybe to them it wouldn't be, but everyone experiences things differently. I get so angry over this though. So many can't fathom what I went through, and what I go through on a daily basis. "

I related with that so hard that I teared up to be honest. Because others *don't* understand how it feels. They *don't* understand how certain things make us feel. They kind of do, but I think it's life explaining the scent of lavender, or the colour purple. They might have a vague idea, but they don't really understand.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by TryingToMoveForward

My therapist told me I am a mild case of BPD because she didn't notice I had it. She diagnosed be as histrionic. I remember when I was feeling suicidal last November I informed some friends and asked them to check in on me. And my therapist said I had done it for attention. I remember getting very angry and upset about that. Because to some degree yes it was for attention, but I was honestly suicidal and I wanted my friends to help keep me safe. But to her I was doing it to get attention and I guess she thought I wasn't serious. Despite my history of suicidal ideation and behavior. So I got hit with histrionic, especially since I dressed alternative and had blood red hair. Funny, that when I dyed my hair brown, and stopped dressing punk, my personality disorder magically disappeared. Sorry. I'm a little bitter about this.

I was punk for over a decade. I got told I'm doing it for attention and too old, so I stopped and lost what little sense of identity I had just to counter the fact I was "histrionic".

Anyway, I'm reading that book about BPD and identify with EVERYTHING. Suddenly my behavior and feelings are making so much sense. Just because a decade ago I got a good handle on my self-harm behavior/impulses doesn't mean I'm not BPD. It just means I successfully fight the urge to hurt myself. And trust me. The urges are there. They never go away. But I don't lash out at random. I'm like...a quiet BPD. As the book said, BPD is different for everyone. It may be mild compared to other people, but its still a really big problem.

Other people don't get the sensitivity. What its like to go without validation your whole life. The abuse. Actually being abandoned. People with this disorder HAVE experienced traumatic abandonment in some form. So it isn't all in our heads and I get so angry when people say it is in our head. People say that. "Oh, that's not really abandonment..." Its like yes. Yes it is. Maybe to them it wouldn't be, but everyone experiences things differently. I get so angry over this though. So many can't fathom what I went through, and what I go through on a daily basis.

But there is an end to BPD. You can recover from it. That gives me hope. I'm really looking forward to doing DBT.

Have you read Stacy Pershall's book "Loud in the House of Myself"? I think that you would like it. She self identifies as a "strange girl". She is living in recovery from BPD and a speaker with Active Minds and she still has bright red hair. She talks in her book about how her tattoos are part of getting better. I think it's a bit old-fashioned and a lot judgmental that your therapist believes that expressing yourself through fashion is "histrionic." Like, what are we supposed to look like? I don't even know what "normal" presentation is, fashion changes. Fashionable right now is hipster and that is sooooo not me. I have to take out my nose ring and cover up my tattoos at work but in my personal life I still really like things with skulls on them. I'm almost 35, I'm going to see Tool for the first time for my birthday. Getting boring doesn't have to be part of growing up. We are who we are. I think style might mellow out as we age but I had purple streaks in my hair in grad school (2 years ago) because I knew it was probably my last chance to do it. I did it because it was FUN. Jeez. Your therapist makes me sad, that she got too "mature" to be fun, if she ever was. Be you. F*** everyone else.

[TryingToMoveForward]

Its very difficult being in a world where you are more sensitive than the majority. Because the world wasn't kindly designed for overly sensitive people. In the Survival Guide book, temperament doesn't change with therapy, its too much a part of who we are. So I'm always going to be overly sensitive. What you can change is how you deal with and react to these overwhelming emotions and stimulation. Which is the good news. But I am a little disappointed that the sensitivity isn't going to disappear so I can be like everyone else. But as long as the emotions are manageable instead of derailing, I guess it doesn't matter.

My Therapist isn't even that old. She's like...31 or 32. I love plaid, skulls, stars, studs, Marvel t-shirts, chains, heavy eye make-up. I calmed down a lot since I was a teen/in my early twenties, but apparently I was too on the edge. What baffled me was being told I like to be the center of attention when I'm socially phobic and try to disappear in group social situations. They told me I use to be that way and I was like, "Uh...I'm terrified of people and hate when they pay attention to me." But they didn't believe me. Its okay. I have the satisfaction of knowing they were wrong, as proven by a psychologist. It bothers her too. She always brings it up. Like, "OH, we were close. BPD was on the other page." Hahahahaha. I'm not amused. I'm tired of having wrong diagnoses. I was treated as a schizophrenic for 5 years only to learn I'm just Bipolar II with psychotic features when I'm hypomanic. I feel like telling them off sometimes. Schizophrenia is a heavy diagnosis. Its literally the most debilitating mental illness there is. And to think you have it, and facing the social stigma associated with it, having to tell employers you're schiz in case you think you'll have a hallucination on the job and require treatment. Feeling like you're a real freak of nature because only 1% of the population is schizophrenic.

Its awful. It was really awful. And all the medications the one psychiatrist had me on. I was taking 11 pills a day. I could barely function I was so medicated, and drooling. Its amazing I still have faith in the mental health field.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by TryingToMoveForward

Its very difficult being in a world where you are more sensitive than the majority. Because the world wasn't kindly designed for overly sensitive people.

This is so true, my God. I wish I could have this printed on a T-shirt or something. Like "Warning: Emotionally Sensitive Person." The world was not built for us who feel so much. It's overwhelming at times. Sometimes I wonder if I even HAVE depression or anxiety or if it's all related to being constantly overwhelmed and bombarded by a world that is so loud and unfathomable and cruel. Do I really have social anxiety or is it just that loud places full of people overload my senses?

In the Survival Guide book, temperament doesn't change with therapy, its too much a part of who we are. So I'm always going to be overly sensitive. What you can change is how you deal with and react to these overwhelming emotions and stimulation. Which is the good news. But I am a little disappointed that the sensitivity isn't going to disappear so I can be like everyone else. But as long as the emotions are manageable instead of derailing, I guess it doesn't matter.

It helps me to know when I'm "being borderline" that's my term for when I have a freakout/meltdown related to my BPD, usually feeling abandoned. So I can say to myself "I'm really tuned into my boyfriend's behavior, so the tone he used feels extremely dismissive of me. I know he's not being intentionally dismissive so instead of freaking out, I'm going to give him a chance to show that he's not being dismissive and abandoning." Like in that split second before a reaction, I can do that now where I never could - or knew I could - before. The world being too much part is still there. I say "I quit the world" at least once a day because of some news story - people being violent, heterosexist, racist, just not valuing people/animals/nature. I'm also way more tuned in to nearly intangible changes in people's behavior. I just harness it to help in my work most of the time.

My Therapist isn't even that old. She's like...31 or 32. I love plaid, skulls, stars, studs, Marvel t-shirts, chains, heavy eye make-up. I calmed down a lot since I was a teen/in my early twenties, but apparently I was too on the edge. What baffled me was being told I like to be the center of attention when I'm socially phobic and try to disappear in group social situations. They told me I use to be that way and I was like, "Uh...I'm terrified of people and hate when they pay attention to me." But they didn't believe me. Its okay. I have the satisfaction of knowing they were wrong, as proven by a psychologist.

Well, someone had to be one of the boring kids right? I like being different. Maybe it's because I always was and I decided to embrace it so long ago that it seems like it was my choice... I stopped wearing my hello kitty watch and my giant chunky man's Fossil wristband watch with this job. The setting is conservative so I made the choice to mellow out but I wore my Darth vader & stormtrooper ugly sweater when we had "ugly sweater" day last week. One of my best friends has always presented very "goth." She's also conventionally gorgeous. She constantly gets attention and she has always hated it. I'm sure that she would get less attention if she didn't wear the same clunky black boots that she's worn for the last 18 years and have two full sleeve tattoos but so what? Why should she change to avoid unwanted attention? If she wants to make the choice cool but if not we are getting really close to saying someone is "asking for it" you know?

Its awful. It was really awful. And all the medications the one psychiatrist had me on. I was taking 11 pills a day. I could barely function I was so medicated, and drooling. Its amazing I still have faith in the mental health field.

It is amazing, and I'm glad you do. Honestly I don't know if I could tell the difference between Schizophrenia and BP with psychotic features and Schizoaffective. They're so similar. I'm glad you finally got a diagnosis that's correct so you could be treated effectively.