[AtreyuFreak]

I've been dating a wonderful guy for about two months. He's one of my best friends, I can tell him almost anything and he treats me like an equal. There are a few catches: he's 15 years older than me (in 23, he's 38); I'm horrible at relationships as I tend to cut and run at the first sign of trouble; and (most importantly) his ex gave birth to his son almost two weeks ago.

In addition to all the borderline stuff that makes relationships so hard for me, now I'm dealing with baby mama drama. And she is not a pleasant one. Manipulative, deceitful, everything's a game to her. She's been using his child as a pawn from the day she found out she was pregnant. And if the courts give her placement, that poor kid is gonna continue to be used and pushed around to suit her selfish needs.

I've asked a few trusted friends about this, and they've all basically said "be patient". And I'm trying. I can recognize when my thoughts/behaviors/emotions are irrational, and I've been feeling very irrational lately. I don't act on it, so from the outside looking in, someone might just assume I'm overtired or stressed. Which is good, that means my facade is working.

I don't know what to do with all these pent up emotions. Sometimes it's hard to breathe. In one day, I'll go from elation at finally having found a nice guy, to doubting whether it'll work out, to anger at what his ex has put him through, to depression cause I'm so drained I can't manage anything else. I'm high-functioning borderline, but in the last month I've felt a lot of things that I haven't felt since high school. And I don't know how to handle it all. I plan to bring all of this up to my t on Monday. Any advice or words of encouragement are much appreciated.

[henrydavidtherobot]

Can I have more details? Can you identify certain triggers and why they're upsetting you?

How is he acting towards you?

I will say this, it's really cool that your heart is in the right place and that you care about your bf and the child, but this is not your problem. You can't solve it. They have to. If you're being supportive of your man and helping him through his emotions, you're doing the best you can. That is the reality of the situation. We, no matter how hard we want to, cannot solve our partner's problems. We can only support them.

I often get scared when old emotions resurface. It makes me feel like I haven't progressed. However, remember that recovery from BPD does not mean that we won't ever have problems or negative emotions. It means that we learn how to manage them better. Coming here was a good first step.

Identify your improvements. Remember your progress.

Take care, sweetie!

[TishaBuv]

I'd say just listen to him vent about his feelings about the mama drama, if he wants to and try not to be too vocal about it yourself. Two months dating is not a long time. You are his friend and his ex and child are his to deal with for the rest of his life. You are new in his life. Just be supportive and he will appreciate it.

[AtreyuFreak]

I like what you said about old emotions making you feel like you haven't progressed, because I feel the same way.

The biggest trigger is that his ex is bipolar, in denial so unmedicated and not in therapy. My boyfriend has shown me text messages and told me everything she's said and pulled over the 2 years they dated. Her behavior and tendencies remind me very much of my own mother, who is bipolar as well. She's better now, I think she finally started getting the proper treatment, although she's never told me because in my family we don't talk about things that actually matter. Growing up she was volatile, emotionally abusive, manipulative, and all around horrible.

I realize and accept that this is transference. I listen to him vent about his ex and all I can think of is "his son's mother is gonna treat that child like my mom treated me". I know this is irrational and that his ex is not my mom, she just reminds me of her. Just because my mom treated me that way doesn't mean she'll treat her son that way.

Problem is, transference isn't the only problem. My family inadvertently triggered my ptsd on Christmas, and the situation with his ex is bringing up horrible memories from childhood, and it's making me overwhelmed and depressed. I get so scared of the memories, and furious over everything that was done to me, but I dare not express it for fear of scaring off my boyfriend (it is a very new relationship, as you pointed out, so most of this I haven't told him), or fear of losing my job. So I keep it bottled up. I've been doing that for so long that I'm terrified of just losing it. If my armor cracks, Pandora's box will open, and a lifetime of repressed emotions and memories will come flooding back.

I am absolutely terrified of yet another breakdown or yet another hospital stay. I've been doing so good this time; no impulsive or self-destructive decisions. But I do tend to kinda shut down. I don't talk to anyone, I rarely laugh or smile, I keep my poker face on at all times so nobody can even guess what's going on. People at work have noticed, but they can't really do anything because I still do my job well and I'm good with customers. I've had many years to perfect my facade, as mommy dearest would use my emotions and reactions against me. Thanks, mom!

I'm just struggling to regulate my emotions and keep up appearances until this passes. I plan to talk to t about this tomorrow.

[AtreyuFreak]

And I wouldn't dream of jumping in the middle of their mess. It's not my place, and I have no desire to see her again anytime soon. My relationship is only with him.

[kamikazebaby]

I think it's impressive that you're dealing with this situation as well as you are. I'm not sure if I could do as well or handle it as gracefully. It's terrible the toll it's taking, though, that you have to bottle it all up.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by AtreyuFreak

I've been dating a wonderful guy for about two months. He's one of my best friends, I can tell him almost anything and he treats me like an equal. There are a few catches: he's 15 years older than me (in 23, he's 38); I'm horrible at relationships as I tend to cut and run at the first sign of trouble; and (most importantly) his ex gave birth to his son almost two weeks ago.

In addition to all the borderline stuff that makes relationships so hard for me, now I'm dealing with baby mama drama. And she is not a pleasant one. Manipulative, deceitful, everything's a game to her. She's been using his child as a pawn from the day she found out she was pregnant. And if the courts give her placement, that poor kid is gonna continue to be used and pushed around to suit her selfish needs.

I've asked a few trusted friends about this, and they've all basically said "be patient". And I'm trying. I can recognize when my thoughts/behaviors/emotions are irrational, and I've been feeling very irrational lately. I don't act on it, so from the outside looking in, someone might just assume I'm overtired or stressed. Which is good, that means my facade is working.

I don't know what to do with all these pent up emotions. Sometimes it's hard to breathe. In one day, I'll go from elation at finally having found a nice guy, to doubting whether it'll work out, to anger at what his ex has put him through, to depression cause I'm so drained I can't manage anything else. I'm high-functioning borderline, but in the last month I've felt a lot of things that I haven't felt since high school. And I don't know how to handle it all. I plan to bring all of this up to my t on Monday. Any advice or words of encouragement are much appreciated.

I'm dating a guy who has two kids with his ex-wife who is really mentally ill and in denial about it. She lies pathologically (recently lied about having cancer) she lies so much you never know what is the truth; she flies into rages and leaves screaming, cursing, ugly messages for him; she mentally, emotionally, and occasionally physically abuses the kids; she has moved 1,000 miles away twice in the last two years (moved 1,000 miles west, then moved another 1,000 east a year later); when she had both kids she never took them to the doctor or the dentist, in spite of receiving significant child support + 100% of medical bills covered... She is the kind of person that makes you question if people can be evil. Her kids hate her. We have the 15 year old now, he couldn't take it and asked to live with his dad, and we are in the process of legal proceedings to get the 11 year old. They both need lots of therapy from having her as a mother. It causes a tremendous amount of stress and worry on my bf and on me because I care about him and his kids.

The sound of her voice makes me have a physical reaction. She's cyberstalked me, she used to write about me in a blog she kept "anonymously", I've been afraid at times that she might make an attempt on my life or my boyfriend's life... So basically, how much are you willing to deal with because you love this guy? Are you willing to raise his child? Are you willing to have his ex-wife in YOUR life? Because as long as you are with him she will be in your life too. Are you ok with knowing that drama will always be right around the corner and it will always be bs and you will never know when it's coming? Are you cool with your boyfriend not having much money because he's in legal battles and paying child support? (Not saying that money should be a deciding factor in a relationship but it does hinder stuff like going on vacations, how often you're able to go to restaurants and the movies, what kind of gifts he can get you, etc.) If it were me, I'd gtfo. I love my bf but there are days when I think about how peaceful and calm my life would be if he wasn't in it, not because of him but because of his ex-wife and kids. I've worked really hard to be at the place I'm at emotionally and the fact that a lot of drama comes along with loving him is definitely an issue for me sometimes. You're 23. Do you want kids of your own? Do you think you see this going that way? Are you cool with worrying his ex might hurt your children? Or brainwash her kid into bullying or hurting your children?

Lots of questions you really need to figure out the answers to because his ex may never get any help so she will always be exactly the way she is right now.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by AtreyuFreak

I like what you said about old emotions making you feel like you haven't progressed, because I feel the same way.

The biggest trigger is that his ex is bipolar, in denial so unmedicated and not in therapy. My boyfriend has shown me text messages and told me everything she's said and pulled over the 2 years they dated. Her behavior and tendencies remind me very much of my own mother, who is bipolar as well. She's better now, I think she finally started getting the proper treatment, although she's never told me because in my family we don't talk about things that actually matter. Growing up she was volatile, emotionally abusive, manipulative, and all around horrible.

I realize and accept that this is transference. I listen to him vent about his ex and all I can think of is "his son's mother is gonna treat that child like my mom treated me". I know this is irrational and that his ex is not my mom, she just reminds me of her. Just because my mom treated me that way doesn't mean she'll treat her son that way.

Problem is, transference isn't the only problem. My family inadvertently triggered my ptsd on Christmas, and the situation with his ex is bringing up horrible memories from childhood, and it's making me overwhelmed and depressed. I get so scared of the memories, and furious over everything that was done to me, but I dare not express it for fear of scaring off my boyfriend (it is a very new relationship, as you pointed out, so most of this I haven't told him), or fear of losing my job. So I keep it bottled up. I've been doing that for so long that I'm terrified of just losing it. If my armor cracks, Pandora's box will open, and a lifetime of repressed emotions and memories will come flooding back.

I am absolutely terrified of yet another breakdown or yet another hospital stay. I've been doing so good this time; no impulsive or self-destructive decisions. But I do tend to kinda shut down. I don't talk to anyone, I rarely laugh or smile, I keep my poker face on at all times so nobody can even guess what's going on. People at work have noticed, but they can't really do anything because I still do my job well and I'm good with customers. I've had many years to perfect my facade, as mommy dearest would use my emotions and reactions against me. Thanks, mom!

I'm just struggling to regulate my emotions and keep up appearances until this passes. I plan to talk to t about this tomorrow.

Ugh, this is so familiar. My bf's ex-wife reminds me of my mother too. I'm glad your seeing a T and try to focus on self-care. You have a lot of stuff going on right now. Make yourself your #1 priority. If you feel yourself starting to go downhill then do whatever you need to do to stay out of the hospital.

[AtreyuFreak]

I honestly don't know what I can handle. I'm more stable now than I've ever been, but I don't know how far that gets me. So far, I've been able to handle everything but I haven't dealt with her directly. I know she has a temper, but from everything my boyfriend has told me, she's much more neglectful than physically abusive. However, I'd be amazed if she doesn't emotionally abuse her kids, because of the way she talks to my boyfriend and all the stupid manipulative games she plays. Amusingly, I don't believe she's all that smart cause he and I can see through her bs every time.

I'm not sure what the future holds or if this relationship will work but my boyfriend is amazing so I have to give it a chance. We're both living paycheck to paycheck and he's been saving for a lawyer for months, so it's never really been about money for us. We always find a way to have a great time without needing a ton of money (ex: I'm joining his judo class tonight, $20 a month). Someday I'd like to be a bit more financially secure, especially before I start having kids. But I've got years of college to finish before I even think of having my own children.

I didn't recognize the feeling right away, but when you were describing your boyfriend's ex-wife, all I could think of is 'I have to protect my boyfriend. I can't let him go through all that alone (and I can't let her drive him to murder, cause orange is not his color)'. Apparently I've reached the protective stage in my relationship.

[DBTDiva]

Originally Posted by AtreyuFreak

I honestly don't know what I can handle. I'm more stable now than I've ever been, but I don't know how far that gets me. So far, I've been able to handle everything but I haven't dealt with her directly. I know she has a temper, but from everything my boyfriend has told me, she's much more neglectful than physically abusive. However, I'd be amazed if she doesn't emotionally abuse her kids, because of the way she talks to my boyfriend and all the stupid manipulative games she plays. Amusingly, I don't believe she's all that smart cause he and I can see through her bs every time.

I'm not sure what the future holds or if this relationship will work but my boyfriend is amazing so I have to give it a chance. We're both living paycheck to paycheck and he's been saving for a lawyer for months, so it's never really been about money for us. We always find a way to have a great time without needing a ton of money (ex: I'm joining his judo class tonight, $20 a month). Someday I'd like to be a bit more financially secure, especially before I start having kids. But I've got years of college to finish before I even think of having my own children.

I didn't recognize the feeling right away, but when you were describing your boyfriend's ex-wife, all I could think of is 'I have to protect my boyfriend. I can't let him go through all that alone (and I can't let her drive him to murder, cause orange is not his color)'. Apparently I've reached the protective stage in my relationship.

You definitely have to do what you think is right. I'm a big believer in regretting what we DID have the courage to do, not wondering "what if." I definitely wouldn't leave my bf over his complicated life but it wasn't this complicated when we met Still I don't regret it. I have zero contact with her now, beyond saying "hello" and "drive safely" if I have the misfortune of being around her. I think if you prioritize your self-care and your health, you will be ok.

Just don't fall into the codependency trap - if it comes right down to it you CAN let him go through this alone. He chose to date this woman, he chose to have a child with her, he is continuing to make choices based on what he feels is best for him and his child now. You can't protect him from the consequences of his actions (I mean being linked to his ex for the rest of his life, not that his child is a consequence, just to be clear!) But you can be there to support him as long as it's a healthy situation for you.