I can't experience happiness without experiencing even more sadness

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster within a roller coaster, my psych thinks I have rapid cycling bi polar as well as BPD, and it makes a lot of sense when I reflect on my ups and downs over time.

but I absolutely hate it, whenever I reach my peak of doing well I become even sadder than before, my mind tries to attack me and sometimes in my worst times I hear the same voice convincing me to do self destructive things, I can't stand it anymore because it all sounds so reasonable too. I just wish I could be normal, I lost and mentally scarred my last girlfriend by making her feel like it was all her fault, she left me knowing I needed help but I hate how I can't fix the pain I caused. I've lost so many friends and had to defer from uni to go to a mental hospital last year, I feel alienated in every environment I'm in, even with my family. It hurts even more because I know I'm a smart person and I know I have potential, but it's potential I don't have access to, the only thing I really have that makes my life somewhat worth living at times is my car which I have a passion for, but sometimes I can't even hold onto that enough. sorry if this is all a jumble my mind is running so fast.

I just need something to change in my life because it feels like I'm walking up a set of stairs that is falling down behind me and eventually will catch up to me, I don't know how much longer I can keep pushing. it hurts so much, everything I use to have feels like I had it just yesterday even though it was a year ago. even just having one solid friend to help me would be enough but I can't even achieve that, because I put such a confident happy look on when I'm around others everybody thinks I'm better now but I'm really not, and the few people I can talk to about stuff just ignore me when I panic because they think if they reply to me then it's enabling me to get caught up in my thoughts, I don't know what to do anymore

hi xx i just wanted to send you my love hugs and best wishes
love from Danica xx

Feeling unworthy of happiness is definitely something I can relate to. As soon as life starts going well, I have to be hypervigilant of self-destructive, self-sabotaging behaviour. It's incredible the disastrous rampages I've been on when tmy life is close to being "in order". My happiness is always tinged with massive amounts of anxiety and guilt.

What helps for me; remind yourself, you deserve to be happy. Be gentle with yourself. Pay attention to your inner dialogue - you might find that it's very punitive.

It really does get draining having to stay so aware even when I think I'm doing alright :/ It's reassuring to hear im not alone though.
When I can stay mindful enough of whats going on I certainly find it helps to take another step back from my thoughts and see whats actually going on, rather than just running on autopilot. I think I need stop expecting something big to change as well, I have trouble accepting that learning to cope with what goes on in my head is going to be a very long process.