[Pastel Kitten]

No matter how much I sleep, I'm constantly exhausted from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. It's so hard to get up in the morning, but at the same time I don't want to sleep because I'm always scared for what the mornings will bring, mood-wise. Does anyone else get this way? It must be the pure mental exhaustion..

[DelusionsDaily]

I totally get what you're saying. Today has been kinda strange I've felt so disconnected from myself I can't feel right now if I wanted to. Normally, I too panic almost when I wake up and it's another day battling erratic and intense emotions.

[Pastel Kitten]

Yeah, exactly as you describe it. Feels like I can never catch a break..

[DelusionsDaily]

I have been watching a lot of youtube videos. One of them was on bpd and medications. There are some that have been proven to help with various aspects of BPD. I didn't find a med that worked consistently enough but wasn't on the ones they talk about. Maybe that would help. I mean it's not a total fix but it might be the break you are looking for. The video it was posted by NEA BPD titled: The treatment of BPD with medications: A neuropharmacologically based approach. If I were to try meds again I would be trying the meds he lists as there's evidence those meds work. Maybe get a referral from the new T you are seeing.

[Pastel Kitten]

Huh, maybe I'll check that video out. I'm taking lamictal, a mood stabilizer, that both my old psychiatrist and new psychiatrist agreed on. Not even sure what it's doing at this point but I don't even remotely want to know how I'd be without it.

[DelusionsDaily]

How are you today? Hope it's a little better.

[Pastel Kitten]

Today has been primarily a disaster. My boyfriend and I broke down together for hours and he's apparently scheduled a therapy appointment (the day after mine, which is tomorrow finally) for himself. I have literally caused him to need therapy. He can't handle how chronically suicidal I am, but I can't bottle it up inside either. I know it's dangerous...

I did at least manage to do some more halloween decorating a little bit ago, after things slightly calmed down. This fatigue though...

[DelusionsDaily]

That's good he's going to therapy. Not only can he learn to take better care of himself in light of your illness but he can learn about your illness from someone who is better equipped to help him understand...hopefully. Also, now he has an outlet. Chronic suicidality sucks my problem is it gets 100x's worse on meds than it is right now. The problem with not being on meds is my emotions are so very intense and erratic. So, I'm in a quandry about whether to find a"specialist" in BPD and try a more direct approach to medication with someone who knows what to use for it. I don't know it's particularly difficult to concede meds when I really wanted to be off them. Strange I'm even talking about it because at therapy earlier today I was absolutely against meds. Anyway, I think it'll be beneficial for both of you that he is in therapy.

[Pastel Kitten]

I know it will likely help him, but I can't help but to feel awful that someone who is normally so well collected and peaceful is verging on the edge of depression because of me. I'm supposed to bring happiness in a relationship, not...this. I used to be highly against meds as well, especially after an awful experience on saphris. But now I'm more open minded to the idea since I'm desperate and I know my brain chemicals are out of whack. Afterall, BPD is not *purely* environment. Our brains are wired differently. I think it could definitely be of benefit to get a BPD specialist regardless, simply because they're more equipped to handle our erratic emotions and behaviors. My last therapist couldn't handle me.

[DelusionsDaily]

Yeah I'm thinking about a lot. Just hard to make a decision when emotions are so intense and erratic.

[DelusionsDaily]

How are you doing? Hope you are feeling atleast a little better.

[Pastel Kitten]

I'm doing alright today actually. I always try to take advantage of my more clear-minded days. I saw my new therapist yesterday so it gave me a bit of hope I think. She gave me a diary card to do, and wow...I can see how this was designed for us!

[Trippin2.0]

You didn't break you bf


We tend to over share (or is that just me?) and sometimes idk, for me at least, I leaned way tooooo hard on my bf in the past. It was just so good to have someone genuinely care, that I became addicted to it.


He actually escaped me to preserve his sanity. He didn't go to therapy, he ran for the hills.


I learned the hard way that we can't make our partners our therapists... And that's why I preach it day in and day out. Sure we can share how we're doing and what not, but the deep heavy stuff? T's are trained on how to deal with that, bfs and gfs?

Not so much hey.


All we do at the end of the day with all this suicide talk is make them feel scared and helpless... That's no good for either party.


And if you think on it, do they REALLY need to know?

(That question is based on the assumption that you don't need to be driven to a hospital)

I mean we have T's for that. So what's the point in scaring bf shytless?


It's actually good my bf ran away (not just for him, for me too) it opened my eyes to alot of things.


Also it gave us time and space to both get our heads straight.

We're back together now (past 4 years) and so far I haven't drowned him in borderline bullshyt.

I keep my MH as separate from my relationship as is humanly possible.
But when I do need some extra TLC, he's the first to know, and yes, even then I am now very selective about how much share.



All the best to u and bf