[HD7970GHZ]

Hello community,

I could use some advice and insight. Ending toxic relationships is something I know very little about and it has been dawning on me as of late.

I have some toxic relationships in my life. I hit rock bottom and turned to my friends and family for support only to be met with a mixture of invalidation, blame and toxicity. Becoming vulnerable with my family was a mistake, as was with my friends. They made me worse, not better. This was a clear sign that they were not healthy relationships. Because I didn't want to be alone, I kept going back to them, hoping that they would stop hurting me. It did not stop, in fact, it got worse. We teach people how to treat us - in saying this, I was to blame for allowing it to happen for so long. So I set limits and stopped talking to almost everyone. I have set boundaries with these people but I still feel it is not enough. At this time I have spoken briefly with some of these toxic people in my life and have been treated poorly. I seem to have attracted a lot of unhealthy relationships and I am suddenly aware of it. Now that I am gaining clarity and becoming healthy, I have enough self respect to stand up for myself and not put up with psychological abuse and subtle narcissism. These people do not like this, they like having the control over me that I would allow in the past... So it is hard to see their true colors when I am becoming healthy...

My question is this: How do I end toxic relationships?

Some of these people are narcissists, some are bullies. Some are fair weather friends... There is a lot of dynamics at play and it is far too complex to explain on here, but I am a good friend. I suffer Borderline, yes I have pushed and pulled these people and for the most part I did so because I began to recognize the abuse they were putting me through. I believe I need to make new friends, but I am also scared of being alone... The process of eliminating toxic relationships and replacing them with new and healthier ones is both lengthy and seems impossible; the last thing I want to do is shut the door on old relationships and crawl back to them when I cannot foster new ones and become sick of being alone...

Any advice? Any insights? Please help.

Thanks,
HD

[TishaBuv]

Eliminating toxic and gaining health people isn't lengthy at all-- it's swift! It depends whether they are friends or family.

The friends, you simply stop calling. When they call you, you are polite but brief and tell them you are busy. Eventually they get the hint.

Family is harder. It's best to keep an arm's length relationship.

My toxic mom just called me, and the conversation only lasted a few minutes. Everything she said was caustic. I tried to get her to stop. She wouldn't and got mad that I wouldn't indulge her. But we hung up well enough without a fight. That's how I handle her now.

[Trippin2.0]

How do I end them?


I just disengage.

Quick, like a band aide.


I stop calling, responding and where necessary block and delete.


Guess I don't really have a problem with severing ties to people who fk me over.


Also, depending on the situation I promise even more severing of ties. Eg: If anyone so much as hints that I rethink the "no contact" rule I have in place with my "brother" they will be added to the "no contact" list.

[Fuzzybear]

I like the above post... If they are toxic, they deserve to be banished, blocked and deleted.

(((((((( hugs ))))))))

[StrawberryFieldsss]

I have to deal with my somewhat toxic aging parent. I feel a sense of duty to help him for a variety of reasons, mostly my contact with him is over the phone and sending regular "care" boxes to him. This is just for me personally, but he suffered a lot in his own life and I just kinda look at him as damaged... both my parents were but they did the best they could. Not suggesting thats how anyone else should feel, but its just how I feel.

[technigal]

I just cut them out of my life, simple no more contact. I would rather be alone then deal with toxic people. Easy for me to say...I'm married and have my husband's loving support. However when I was single and before I knew I had BPD I had many people who I had to cut out of my life as they were toxic to me. I had a therapist who recommended the book Toxic Parents to me, it helped me recognise and remove the toxic people from my life.

https://www.amazon.ca/Toxic-Parents-.../dp/0553381407

[Lonlin3zz]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I like the above post... If they are toxic, they deserve to be banished, blocked and deleted.

(((((((( hugs ))))))))

At some times, my father's tone was very toxic and insensitive. Although my spiritual buddies remind me to look out for the hidden key advice in his sentences, and calmly assure me that my father may have good intent but unable to expressly it without offending other people.

Not an easy thing to do, since I did not grew up closely knitted with my parents compared to another family. I struggled quietly through my childhood, and dare not rebuke back in an argument.

Throughout the years as it flashes by, I realised my mind keeps me going further in life learning lesson as I experienced failures. Subconsciously, it mould me into a person striving for emotional independence. You may say a part of my heart is already dead considering I don't look forward to family reunion. But I am a person who will still take care of my parents during their remaining days and send them off during their passing.

Tldr: Although a part of me is already dead inside, I still value my family ties, but I naturally keep a certain distance away from my parents, whom humiliates and blames me for being unfilial and lack of sensitivity for their feelings.



Thanks for sharing, Fuzzy.

[Unrigged64072835]

I simply stop engaging with the toxic people in my life. Block them, delete their info, stuff like that. I had very limited contact with my toxic parents until just before my mother died. My father was still toxic up until the last time I talked to him. I don't have many friends but my husband and daughter are supportive so that's good.