[Ofeelia]

Weekends are usually a difficult time for me being that I have only one friend and she is out of town for 3 weeks. She is 20 years my senior and I met her in a psych ward about 5 years ago. Our relationship consists of commiserating, shoplifting and the occasional binge eating. She suffers from bulimia, so when we go out, I have to force myself to not engage in this behavior.

I know I'm feeling down in the dumps because I shoplifted today. I have not shoplifted for a few weeks and was feeling quite proud of myself. It was an impulse act that I did not give much second thought to. I just stole necessities like tooth paste, shampoo etc. I came home and crashed. I woke up from a nightmare and a feeling of utter disgust for myself.

Drinking has started to become a problem for me. It always has been, but this past couple of years it has worsened to a degree I find shameful. The last few times that I drank heavily, I ended up calling an old friend to smoke meth with. And another time, I posted an ad on craigslist for prostitution because I felt like having cash would make me feel better about myself. As a sex work survivor, I'm glad I didnt follow through on the the ad.

I guess whats bothering me lately is that I am very alone, unemployed, broke and am too proud to apply for disability. I had a string of bizarre relationships after my divorce of 3 years ago. The person that I keep thinking of is a 50 year old man (I'm 31) that I met at a bar. I broke it off this year on Valentine's Day due to his ahole behaviors. I blocked his number, and on nights that I drink, I unblock his number and beg for his love back. I logically know that if he was in my life again, I would be miserable. Yet I still long for his presence. Its driving me off the wall.

One night while we were dating, I rode with him on his Harley back to my place and he saw a bunch of pill bottles on my dresser. He said he couldn't believe that I mix alcohol with pills. He called me emotionally homeless. That term has yet to leave my mind because I feel it was so insensitive and maybe true. Regardless, we continued to date and he would make comments about my weight, about other women and that our relationship is temporary because he has 2 kids and I'm too young for him. He said I deserve someone my age who is successful. SO I did just that. I went on a date and he became very jealous, even though he was telling me to do it the whole time. He would take me out to dinner, bring me groceries, then complain about how much money he wastes on me that could be used to see hot dispensary girls and buy weed. I took him out on his birthday June 20 of last year to an expensive restaurant. I gave him a really well thought out bday card and he jokingly said, he would copy what I wrote and put it on a dating website to find single moms that could date him. Long story short, he kept saying he doesnt want to be with me because he thought I was young and wanted kids. I made up a lie that I'm sterile so that he would maybe consider us being more serious. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I was desperate and afraid of his departure.

One year has passed, and I still long for him. I hate it. I know that I cannot be in a relationship with anyone right now. The reason I broke it off is because I found his first wife's phone number on the internet. She told me that he is still married to his second wife and they live together. I felt so betrayed. When I found this out, I called him excessively, left him really rude texts and no wonder why he did not want to deal with me anymore.

I guess I'm rambling at this point.

Last thing I wanted to share was that I got a mammogram a week ago due to recurring breast pain, which showed I have a mass on my left breast. My gut reaction was joy. I sometimes which I could have a terminal illness so I can die painfully the way I deserve to. And maybe people would have more compassion for me. I am going to get an ultra sound on Tuesday to see what is going on with that mass. Im hoping for bad news. Why>? My mom's two sisters have dealt with cancer and I know it is insidious. Why would I wish this upon myself? Maybe I'm having a pity party.

I wonder if there's anyone out here who has used malingering for attention, or if anyone has made up twisted lies in order to get people to feel sorry for them.

Thanks for reading,
I hope you dont read this with judgment as I was very afraid to share this on a forum I have not been in active in.

Do you have a therapist that you could work on your issues with?

Actually, perhaps the most important question is: Do you WANT to work through your issues? I hope that does not come across as rude but having a therapist is pretty pointless if you want to stay on the path of self-destructive behaviours like shoplifting, purging, alcohol and drug abuse, etc.

I was diagnosed with BPD many years ago and do not meet the criteria for it anymore. Personality disorders are very tough to have, but the key is that you need to want to change and better yourself. From reading this post, I see someone who is going through a lot of pain but is also stuck. When you get tired of being stuck, I suggest seeking out a therapist or even trying self-help like DBT if you are not able to get a therapist. Please keep posting as you feel the need to, I wish you the best and hope you can get past this.

[elevatedsoul]

[Ofeelia]

I ignored your post for a while. The reason why is because I found it therapeutic in itself to post my vulnerabilities in writing. Your questions provoked me, which I guess is a good thing. To answer you, I have a therapist, Psychiatrist and am currently in a DBT group. I want to change. If i did not, I would not make and commit to these appointments. Yet what you may or may not understand is that part of recovery is to fall down again and again. Your assumption of whether I am in therapy or not was a bit insulting due to the fact that I've been in so many forms of care, spent so much money, and yet you seem to think its about wanting to change. Some people like to place things in boxes. I want it just as much as anyone on here does. But everyone is burdened differently, and is under quite different circumstances. I hope you acknowledge that in the future. In addition, I will be more careful as to what I post on here. Congratulations on not meeting diagnostic criteria for BPD. Must be great! Take care now.

Originally Posted by scaredandconfused

Do you have a therapist that you could work on your issues with?

Actually, perhaps the most important question is: Do you WANT to work through your issues? I hope that does not come across as rude but having a therapist is pretty pointless if you want to stay on the path of self-destructive behaviours like shoplifting, purging, alcohol and drug abuse, etc.

I was diagnosed with BPD many years ago and do not meet the criteria for it anymore. Personality disorders are very tough to have, but the key is that you need to want to change and better yourself. From reading this post, I see someone who is going through a lot of pain but is also stuck. When you get tired of being stuck, I suggest seeking out a therapist or even trying self-help like DBT if you are not able to get a therapist. Please keep posting as you feel the need to, I wish you the best and hope you can get past this.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Hi,

First let me say I am sorry you have gone through the emotional pain you have concerning your feelings toward this person. I do believe you used both alcohol and shoplifting as a type of coping mechanism. I also believe you already know these things to be unhealthy ways of coping so I won't insult you by restating that fact.

I too have BPD. I know the difficulties and frustrations it presents, especially concerning one's social life. It has taken me many years, but I have been able to get some control on it now, though not total control and I don't think I ever will. I believe that is okay though.

So, getting back to you. First thing I had to do was realize my triggers and anything that triggered me into thinking of or in some other way reacting to a trigger even if that trigger wasn't present. For instance, thunderstorms are a trigger for me. At one time, even watching a movie with thunderstorms would trigger me. Once you have those figured out, choose 3-5 healthy coping techniques or methods or strategies to use when needed and use those. For example, mine are: diaphragm breathing, lavender essential oil, writing poetry, visualization, muscle relaxation

It sounds to me like you are longing for this person for more reason than just your past relationship since you already know that to have been unhealthy. Any ideas what reasons those may be?