Needy

I'm so needy right now . I've mentioned a few times that my online friends ( nobody from PC ) have fell out with me .
I've already begged their forgiveness and they said no they don't want to know me . I keep having a desire to reach out to them again , and beg so hard , but I won't because I will look pathetic and I already think they are laughing behind my back . sometimes I'm so angry they won't forgive me as I didn't really do anything wrong apart from saying I felt they were bullying someone which they were . why do I need these people so much ? How will I get over the hurt I feel and the empty void I feel ? Sorry I know I post a lot . I both love and hate them right now . I love them because I need them and miss them and hate them because they won't forgive and are being too harsh on me .

i know that feeling...

everytime i succumbed to the desire and tried talking back with anyone it just made things worse... i hopefully have learned my lesson this last time as i ruined something that could of been great..

i wish i knew really what to say

i know in me i long to know myself as much as i long for others to know me...
maybe more so...

i've taken this chaotic period of time of losing and making new friends and losing new friends as a period of reflection...
i haven't really made friends after all... i have and always have just been seeking acceptance... love... and continue to seek it..

i try very hard to love and accept myself because i know the less i do those for myself the more i will seek it from outside source which will only create more chaos for me...
but it is not easy to love or accept something so confusing and painful...

so i continue just trying to play a balancing game, maintain sanity...

i don't have any friends, never really had any friends that i would say were friends, no one that i could talk to or rely on atleast... only people that i could get high and drunk with and pretend like i didnt have any problems at all with - become one of the false me's

so instead of focusing too much on that right now anyway... like i used to...
im trying to once again turn inward... and seek out the inner piece, part, a knowledge or key that i am missing...

the last time this happened to me the girl it happened with, it devastated me...
so i can understand how it hurts and how difficult it is...

keep talking here maybe... watch some films inspirational in what you wish to learn maybe... documentaries to spark an interest... im a nerd i guess so i am really into learning and become obsessive over those kind of things...

im sorry you're hurting..
i am needy right now too, but i know there is nothing i can do about it besides look inward and ask the divine for guidance..
am also going to be putting myself in social positions and group meetings so that i will hopefully meet some others that will understand my struggles more rather than the normies that don't understand

Thank you . everything you said makes so much sense . it's not really them I need at all. Its me . I need to love myself . i wish i knew how to do that .

Im also working towards going to some meetings and socializing but im taking baby steps before that can happen.

Thank you again. Also ive had drug and alcahol addictions in the past so i can relate to that too. I still get cravings for drugs so luckily ive moved and dont know how to get any . i want to go to meetings for that too as well as other things .