[Ototot]

Just read my risk assessment/summary and it says I used to offer oral sex to men to secure their time and do handyman jobs. Yes I did in the past when completely intoxicated by alcohol. But these days I don't get drunk for about the last 5 months and I haven't been offering oral sex to men for some time maybe 4 years or more. Can't help but feel ashamed of myself. Wondering what my care coordinator OT thinks of me now.... well I can only attribute it to being sexually abused by my dad in childhood and sexually harassed by him....because why else would I do that??? I'm feeling like a crap piece because maybe I used to abuse myself offering oral sex to men when drunk. What's your perspective of things? Please advise. Thanks I've been diagnosed with BPD

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by Ototot

Just read my risk assessment/summary and it says I used to offer oral sex to men to secure their time and do handyman jobs. Yes I did in the past when completely intoxicated by alcohol. But these days I don't get drunk for about the last 5 months and I haven't been offering oral sex to men for some time maybe 4 years or more. Can't help but feel ashamed of myself. Wondering what my care coordinator OT thinks of me now.... well I can only attribute it to being sexually abused by my dad in childhood and sexually harassed by him....because why else would I do that??? I'm feeling like a crap piece because maybe I used to abuse myself offering oral sex to men when drunk. What's your perspective of things? Please advise. Thanks I've been diagnosed with BPD

It could be something from your child hood that brought you to that way of thinking plus you was drunk and undiagnosed . don't beat yourself up about it . we all have things in our pasts that we regret . and your sexual actions are your business not for others to j udge you

[lucyjon]

The past is the past. I've done things I am ashamed of. I was emotional abused as a child and continually connect with people who emotional abuse, take advantage of me, etc. For some reason I still love this person in my life whom only uses me for $$ or favors. Seems I can't break this cycle of being abused in this way.
I was emotional abused as a child and realize it's part of my BPD. I am not upset with my mother and understand why and have forgiven her a long time. Anyway if anyone passes judgement on you, they don't have that right whatsoever. Everyone has transgressed others in some manner. Don't be ashamed. The fact you are aware of this is something most people don't consider, because they don't want to look at their past mistakes or how they've hurt others. I talked to my priest how people think I'm a nice guy, yet I see the darkness in myself. He told me not to dwell on this and to remember the good I've done. He even was proud of me, acknowledging my sins and passions, being aware of them, Again most people don't even look at their passions.

hang in there and remember, Let whoever that has never sinned(made mistakes), cast the first stone. Nobody would be able to cast the first stone. After all I am the chief of sinners. I'm not going to judge you, because if I did I would have to judge myself. You are put on this world for a reason. You have gifts to give to this world to make it a better place. A

[Guiness187055]

How drunk were you?

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

It depends if you enjoyed it or not? You haven't said you did, so possibly no.

Honestly? I think you were trying to either get affection or feel some power over these men. Or just attention.

It's complicated. Could be many causes. The main thing is, it's helped you to get to know yourself, so don't worry.

[Ototot]

Thanks everyone.So I told the OT care coordinator I put her straight I said the risk assessment says I offered oral sex to men, but it did not say I offered when I was severely intoxicated with alcohol (off my head drunk). Well the coordinator didn't judge me look down to me or anything like that. I told her I can only attribute the offering of oral sex whilst drunk due to childhood sexual abuse and I got the impression she agreed. She said we can look at the risk assessment together and identify what's not correct at our next appointment. I said also to her that since 5 years ago I have not offered oral sex to men and that I've had 2 one night stands since and the rest of the stuff I did I was pressured into- I did not offer and I said the other sexual stuff I did was with J- that's all I've done in the last 5 years...well earlier today I was thinking OMG the previous OT and previous nurse And other nurse must have been thinking what a slut I am because it says I offered oral sex to men, and doesn't say it was under influence of alcohol. I guess I feel less bad now because you guys have said it's in the past and I'm not doing that anymore, don't really drink these days either just a beer a night sometimes...

I was very drunk at the time sometimes I couldn't even walk straight

[Ototot]

Thanks everyone.So I told the OT care coordinator I put her straight I said the risk assessment says I offered oral sex to men, but it did not say I offered when I was severely intoxicated with alcohol (off my head drunk). Well the coordinator didn't judge me look down to me or anything like that. I told her I can only attribute the offering of oral sex whilst drunk due to childhood sexual abuse and I got the impression she agreed. She said we can look at the risk assessment together and identify what's not correct at our next appointment. I said also to her that since 5 years ago I have not offered oral sex to men and that I've had 2 one night stands since and the rest of the stuff I did I was pressured into- I did not offer and I said the other sexual stuff I did was with J- that's all I've done in the last 5 years...well earlier today I was thinking OMG the previous OT and previous nurse And other nurse must have been thinking what a slut I am because it says I offered oral sex to men, and doesn't say it was under influence of alcohol. I guess I feel less bad now because you guys have said it's in the past and I'm not doing that anymore, don't really drink these days either just a beer a night sometimes...

I was very drunk at the time sometimes I couldn't even walk straight

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Seems wise to keep away from alcohol if it puts you in unsafe situations like that. Hugs to you.