[CrayCentral]

I’ve always known that I was living with some serious challenges within my mind, and no matter how hard I’d try to identify the root causes of these problems I’d always end up where I left off.
These feelings of emptiness I thought was because I’ve always been an over ambition person and I still hadn’t reached a level of success that I’d be content with. But with no change in my perspective of life as time passed and goals got ticked off I decided to travel the world and learn about spirituality. I guess I was so desperately trying to find myself within the infinite possibilities this life has to offer, but over the years feeling so overwhelmed by life, yet empty and numb I’ve slowly dug myself a massive hole resorting to the drugs and alcohol that I subconsciously felt was filling this empty void.

Things got so tough that I had a psychotic break down, which was actually a blessing in disguise because it has led me towards the path in understanding bpd and how it has been affecting my life until today. All these years I ignored my feelings of sadness and wanting to die. I hardly shed a tear because I believed I hadn’t the right to cry if my mental state was ‘from what I thought’ my own bad habits while my life was physically and materialistically blessed.

My feelings are confused because becoming aware of bpd and finally being able to identify myself with something put a massive smile on my face. I don’t like the idea of victimising myself, but It has also been amazing to genuinely cry without feelings of guilt. But as I’ve defensively detached myself from reality through feeling too overwhelmed by it I’ve either numbed out the pressure of this self realisation or I’ve decided to ignore it all together. I know when reality hits because my anxiety don’t lie, although being in such a vulnerable state with such a big list of issues on top it’s difficult to know where I should be taking my next steps forward because I always appear to be progressing until my old habits get the better of me and I’m back where I left off.
I feel that identifying myself with bpd has definitely made me more at ease, but it’s not helping me to find that spark of light in hope of igniting that boost of motivation to climb back out of this hole I’m currently stuck in.
I used to value my decisiveness and integrity to stick by my word, but now I’m consistently breaking promises with myself that if I don’t speak up or seek help I may as well call my mum and ask her to throw a blanket and pillow down the hole I’m in.
I know things take time and I’ll stop feeling sorry for myself, but it’s been long enough and was wondering what you guys maybe able to suggest.

Also, if you’re able to suggest any advice on how to find the right therapist and how to spot red flags if there’s any to prevent myself from investing my time and money on somebody who wasn’t as capable of effectively improving my mental health as the next person.

Cheers guys.

[cryingontheinside]

Originally Posted by CrayCentral

I’ve always known that I was living with some serious challenges within my mind, and no matter how hard I’d try to identify the root causes of these problems I’d always end up where I left off.
These feelings of emptiness I thought was because I’ve always been an over ambition person and I still hadn’t reached a level of success that I’d be content with. But with no change in my perspective of life as time passed and goals got ticked off I decided to travel the world and learn about spirituality. I guess I was so desperately trying to find myself within the infinite possibilities this life has to offer, but over the years feeling so overwhelmed by life, yet empty and numb I’ve slowly dug myself a massive hole resorting to the drugs and alcohol that I subconsciously felt was filling this empty void.

Things got so tough that I had a psychotic break down, which was actually a blessing in disguise because it has led me towards the path in understanding bpd and how it has been affecting my life until today. All these years I ignored my feelings of sadness and wanting to die. I hardly shed a tear because I believed I hadn’t the right to cry if my mental state was ‘from what I thought’ my own bad habits while my life was physically and materialistically blessed.

My feelings are confused because becoming aware of bpd and finally being able to identify myself with something put a massive smile on my face. I don’t like the idea of victimising myself, but It has also been amazing to genuinely cry without feelings of guilt. But as I’ve defensively detached myself from reality through feeling too overwhelmed by it I’ve either numbed out the pressure of this self realisation or I’ve decided to ignore it all together. I know when reality hits because my anxiety don’t lie, although being in such a vulnerable state with such a big list of issues on top it’s difficult to know where I should be taking my next steps forward because I always appear to be progressing until my old habits get the better of me and I’m back where I left off.
I feel that identifying myself with bpd has definitely made me more at ease, but it’s not helping me to find that spark of light in hope of igniting that boost of motivation to climb back out of this hole I’m currently stuck in.
I used to value my decisiveness and integrity to stick by my word, but now I’m consistently breaking promises with myself that if I don’t speak up or seek help I may as well call my mum and ask her to throw a blanket and pillow down the hole I’m in.
I know things take time and I’ll stop feeling sorry for myself, but it’s been long enough and was wondering what you guys maybe able to suggest.

Also, if you’re able to suggest any advice on how to find the right therapist and how to spot red flags if there’s any to prevent myself from investing my time and money on somebody who wasn’t as capable of effectively improving my mental health as the next person.

Cheers guys.

I wasn't diagnosed till 32, I'm now 36. I know I had BPD since I was in my teens but I just couldn't get the right help or answers . it was a relief to finally be diagnosed . to know the reason why I struggled all my life and lead a chaotic life style . I also have had issues with alcohol and drugs in the past .

I don't have a therapist . I can't afford one but maybe look in to one who has a lot of knowledge or expertize in BPD . if you don't like your therapist you can always change to a new one . good luck I hope you get some good advice , I'm not the best at giving advice but I try to reply and give my own experience and hope that is of some help .

[technigal]

I was diagnosed at 44 and am now 48. I have been lucky to find both a pdoc and therapist who specialize in BPD. I am in Canada and both were assigned to me. I have no tips other then trying to find someone with an interest in BPD. I also used the DBT Self help online program to help.

[Juni35]

I was diagnosed when I was roughly 30. I had PTSD and Trichotillomania and Generalized Anxiety Disorder for the longest time. They had that nailed down. They had me misdiagnosed with Bi-Polar when I was 16. When I was 19 they said no way I had bi polar but I had the other stuff.
Sometimes it feels like I am losing my mind. If my mind isn't racing a million miles an hour, I get jumpy and anxious over the smallest things or I end up feeling like people who love me don't. Always waiting for that ball to drop.
Best advice I can give you is to take time to learn yourself. Learn when your mind is more or less messing with you. It has helped me a lot. Including with relationships with family and friends or within your love life. Learn to recognize when you are over thinking something more or less. Is easy to jump to conclusions but honestly that usually makes things so much worse. You gotta learn more or less to talk yourself down on things. Realizing when it is your BPD acting up and when you are actually being rational. Learning to separate them can be hard. For me the harder part has been learning to control my out of control emotions and to get my mind to stop racing. I am slowly managing to get a grip on it despite the fact of not seeing anyone over it or being on any medication. Every med they have put me on has not had very goo effects on me so medications are typically a no no. I had a friend recommend Kratom to me to try to help me with getting my anxiety and emotions in control so far so good with it actually. My mind isn't racing anymore and I just feel at peace. And it has helped greatly with the constant pain I have from Fibro. But like medications it can be addictive and you build up tolerance to it. So it isn't for everyone.
This is something that is just going to take time. Try to pay attention to yourself is the best advice I can give. Think before reacting and just go a day at a time.

[CrayCentral]

Originally Posted by Juni35

I was diagnosed when I was roughly 30. I had PTSD and Trichotillomania and Generalized Anxiety Disorder for the longest time. They had that nailed down. They had me misdiagnosed with Bi-Polar when I was 16. When I was 19 they said no way I had bi polar but I had the other stuff.
Sometimes it feels like I am losing my mind. If my mind isn't racing a million miles an hour, I get jumpy and anxious over the smallest things or I end up feeling like people who love me don't. Always waiting for that ball to drop.
Best advice I can give you is to take time to learn yourself. Learn when your mind is more or less messing with you. It has helped me a lot. Including with relationships with family and friends or within your love life. Learn to recognize when you are over thinking something more or less. Is easy to jump to conclusions but honestly that usually makes things so much worse. You gotta learn more or less to talk yourself down on things. Realizing when it is your BPD acting up and when you are actually being rational. Learning to separate them can be hard. For me the harder part has been learning to control my out of control emotions and to get my mind to stop racing. I am slowly managing to get a grip on it despite the fact of not seeing anyone over it or being on any medication. Every med they have put me on has not had very goo effects on me so medications are typically a no no. I had a friend recommend Kratom to me to try to help me with getting my anxiety and emotions in control so far so good with it actually. My mind isn't racing anymore and I just feel at peace. And it has helped greatly with the constant pain I have from Fibro. But like medications it can be addictive and you build up tolerance to it. So it isn't for everyone.
This is something that is just going to take time. Try to pay attention to yourself is the best advice I can give. Think before reacting and just go a day at a time.

Thanks for taking your time in replying with some awesome advice.

I haven’t done enough therapy to have a better understanding on further diagnoses, so I had to google define ‘Trichotillomania’ and didn’t realise it could become so damaging. I definitely feel I’ve got far greater paranoid thinking than usual, which relates me to generalised anxiety and a lot of prolonged psychotic thinking. It’s gotten to the point where the root causes in what I’m aware of logically becomes consciously incomprehensible until I’m further unable to cope with the levels of stress and my mind shuts off in defence.

What worries me on just how detached I’ve become through all this is almost feeling a sense of peace and comfort dwelling within the darkness. I wouldn’t say my general perspective of what’s right and wrong is unintelligent when thinking logically, but the exhaustion from constantly running on empty too easily finds comfort within the gradual influence to act on behalf of these narcissistic tendencies.

It’s as if I’m subconsciously letting go of the connections I believe I’m trying to form with new people and that I’m constantly testing my friends and family to see whether they’re worthy of remaining in my life.
In my head I’ve turned the tables into overcoming these feelings of abandonment, yet maybe feeling ‘for the most part’ real pain and suffering instead of selfish anger I’d at least feel more alive and obliged to become the change I used to wish to see in the world, or maybe even just enough inspiration to see if curiosity can even kill this cat.

Anyways, I’m clearly just venting now.. It just sucks knowing that if I were mentally healthy and died yesterday I’d Rest In Peace with a big smile on my face knowing that my life and experiences would have all been worth ending it all then and there. Now under social standards I’m expected to be ‘Tick Tock The Clocks’ new employee where my jobs exhausting and I can’t wait to retire.

How do I win this one?

[Juni35]

Originally Posted by CrayCentral

Thanks for taking your time in replying with some awesome advice.

I haven’t done enough therapy to have a better understanding on further diagnoses, so I had to google define ‘Trichotillomania’ and didn’t realise it could become so damaging. I definitely feel I’ve got far greater paranoid thinking than usual, which relates me to generalised anxiety and a lot of prolonged psychotic thinking. It’s gotten to the point where the root causes in what I’m aware of logically becomes consciously incomprehensible until I’m further unable to cope with the levels of stress and my mind shuts off in defence.

What worries me on just how detached I’ve become through all this is almost feeling a sense of peace and comfort dwelling within the darkness. I wouldn’t say my general perspective of what’s right and wrong is unintelligent when thinking logically, but the exhaustion from constantly running on empty too easily finds comfort within the gradual influence to act on behalf of these narcissistic tendencies.

It’s as if I’m subconsciously letting go of the connections I believe I’m trying to form with new people and that I’m constantly testing my friends and family to see whether they’re worthy of remaining in my life.
In my head I’ve turned the tables into overcoming these feelings of abandonment, yet maybe feeling ‘for the most part’ real pain and suffering instead of selfish anger I’d at least feel more alive and obliged to become the change I used to wish to see in the world, or maybe even just enough inspiration to see if curiosity can even kill this cat.

Anyways, I’m clearly just venting now.. It just sucks knowing that if I were mentally healthy and died yesterday I’d Rest In Peace with a big smile on my face knowing that my life and experiences would have all been worth ending it all then and there. Now under social standards I’m expected to be ‘Tick Tock The Clocks’ new employee where my jobs exhausting and I can’t wait to retire.

How do I win this one?

Can't blame you for looking up Trichotillomania. Back when I first started to show symptoms doctors didn't even really know what it was. They didn't know what was up with me and none of us could figure out why I kept plucking my hair. Until one day on Montell Williams they had some other people who did the same thing and they gave the name. My Mom yelled for me to come and look at the tv. I have heard that name since. It as well as the other mental illnesses was triggered by trauma.
Having any mental illness is tough. It is very easy to get into the why me mode and distance yourself from others. You always feel like they don't get it or understand and in some cases they really don't. I have had people say to me even about my trich," Why don't you just stop?" Like seriously...I never thought of that. It isn't how it works." Even with the BPD I have heard my fair share of comments that I just thought were bluntly stupid. Even the whole,"Oh they are just made up illnesses. It is in your head." Gotta love hearing that. It is very easy to pull away from people. The goal is to be around people who promote a positive environment. Is easy when you are feeling bad to draw towards others who feel just as bad as you but sadly that never helps anything. You need people who are uplifting who you feel good around. Also behavioral therapy is suppose to be really good as well. It helps with coping with things. Sadly I have been waiting for a long time to even get into seeing someone so I can't say how it all works. I know from what I have read it is all suppose to go hand in hand. Just medicine alone doesn't work. You need to have the therapy as well.
Just try to take things day by day. It is a lot to process and can easily overwhelm you. At the end of the day you are still you. You can be happy. You just gotta find what that means to you.