Noticing my behaviour

Since I've been doing this work and. Forcing my self out lately I've noticed things I do and that happen to me...

When I get stressed or nervous I don't feel it like other people I thonk... I start to get confused and enter a vortex if I don't resolve it fast ..

Maybe dissociation?

But I try to stay neutral with. Everyone and make everyone like me.. like if some one doesn't like me I feel threatened and afraid....
I get where I don't know what words to use and the words. I do use aren't the right ones.. so I feel stupid and not able to explain things..

Sigh, I hate feeling like I never know what's going on, always over compensating and pretending to know things..

I have to go now... be at work alone today... stressful, hope not too busy...

I think what you described is just normal nervousness in social situations.Everyone experiences anxiety in different ways and that's what it sounds like to me.Try not to read so much into every little thing and analyzing yourself.If you're going to analyze it,reflect back on the thoughts running through your head when it happens.Chances are they're negative ones that will just make it worse.Learn to notice them when they happen and change them or at least stop them.

You have PTSD,you have a new job,of course there's going to be anxiety and stress at first.Give yourself time to get into the flow of all these new things going on in your life.

Are you keeping in contact with your therapist through this?Are you talking about all of this with him/her?Are you asking them for suggestions?Are you using the tools you have learned?

But I don't think anything... I'm just empty, I have like no thoughts or opinions...

I just am... watching all this happen and just being like.. meh

I know that doesn't make sense... I dunno how to put it into words...

Been this way for so long I don't know and can't imagine any other way

My therapist had an. Accident.. so she couldn't make the last app .. not sure how long she be gone.. pdoc on March 1

I'm just Trying my best.. sigh

You are putting it into words.

You do think things and you do have thoughts and opinions.

Freezing up and feeling like you have nothing to say, and have no opinions, is a normal response to anxiety.

but im not freezing..

its like a program running all the time to analyze people and their reactions/actions
i respond the most positive ways... i feel like i would seem strange to others but i dont know people seem to enjoy me so ... dunno ...
i just am something different, always

i guess im ok though, it will be fine..

I guess I don't understand then what you mean by you enter a vortex when stressed? It could be dissociation but it would help if you could explain it in more detail please. If you aren't freezing then what in your opinion is the best explanation? You do have opinions and thoughts or you wouldn't be human. I mean you're putting thoughts out on this forum. The reason I said anxiety is because you said this happens when stressed or nervous. The not having thoughts.

I don't feel real.. and this body doesn't feel connected .. I'm doing stuff and just seem like a movie

I don't know... I dont feel like I have opinions, I don't really know what I like and don't like .. trying to figure it out

I'm just fake it till you make it, but it's alot, I'm worried it's too much and I don't realize how bad it is..

I just want to hide

Maybe I deny myself....

I don't know how to stop though, I am trying to learn ..

I can relate. When I am really depressed I feel empty and it feels like I don't really like anything.

Well, "fake it till you make it" is another way of saying what you need to do. But there are other ways of saying it. I believe that at our core, our true self, we are all love, or peace to name it better. There are many books on this. So it is about connecting to that which we are originally, though it is very hard when our brains aren't wired the way our consciousness exists. This is a spiritual belief sort of so take it with a grain of salt. I believe there is truth in it but it is your version of truth that matters here for you.

elevatedsoul,
many well thought your way.
You're trying and learning; and that's always something. In due time, you'll look back and hopefully realize/preceive your growth. Perhaps even now, realizing your behaviour can be viewed as a growth.

There's a lot in your post that I feel that I relate to.

Vortex, I call mine a black hole, or another maybe a Time Warp that leads to a black hole; depends on what I've noticed on how I got there or how i view it that time.

I've been working with my current t on some of these things; learning it's a way of protecting myself.

For me it's dissociation, it's depression sometimes too; but dissociation when I've been overloaded.

It was something I naturally did to survive, I've tried to use it as a tool when I can, but that can be hard and tiring.

I'm still learning too, I have other maladaptive behaviors and healthy ones.

As I've gotten older, and when I have noticed that I seriously don't feel connected I try different things if I can think of them-

• write that I feel this way,
• sometimes I go to a float tank,
• been taking to t,
• sometimes I try to do art (a hobby that I once enjoyed, though sometimes this can make me more sad if I feel so disconnected because it's just sad to me),
• try to have little increments of talking with people that I feel okay with when I'm close to "normal" for me.-- this one shocks me at times, to get what refer to as Sparks something. Other times, I'm a great actress.
• Sometimes, time- sometimes a trip to nature, smelling a flower,
• or my cat or friends dogs;
• sometimes my maladaptive way to get out, but safely (sorry, but I smoke

).

Any little uplifting/awake feeling I get,I try to make the best out of: and try not to torture myself when I realize I've been bouncing around with feeling nothing to something; and try to view it as me merging again.

I'm not sure if any of that relates or helps, I'm sorry if it's a babble-- but know that many have struggles, it sucks, things we just don't understand all the time; and it's frustrating- it can be tiring; and some even feel defeated at times. However I hope everybody, in their time of needs finds at least one thing, one thing that is very deep inside that gives the the hope, the reminder, to keep on going.
Keep on trying, to keep on growing; because we were all flawed in our own ways, and we are all trying to live a life.

It took me years to believe in my energy thought (that we're all energy and sometimes I wonder if this nothing is me feeling just energy that I don't understand how to comprehend) but I have found it helps for me, I share that because-it's similar to what Little Earthquakes says-- and that's one thing I remember on one of the packets that group handed out, find something to believe in- and that can be so hard when life seems to continually shatters and shakes our brief system.

Many well thoughts

(((((((((( elevatedsoul ))))))))))

Thanks...