What the hell??

It bugs me. I'm tired of having all of these problems.

I care for SO many people ~ I just have nothing left inside of me. Well, that's not quite true. While I feel completely blank, I nearly always struggle with self-hate and self-blame. Certainly no positive feelings towards myself! Yet, people ask me "why??" and I cannot give a solid answer. It's just something that I have always felt towards myself. I don't know why. Even as a little girl.

I try... I've been in therapy since I was in 6th grade. That's a l-o-n-g time! Psychotherapy & psychiatry weekly; I've been on all sorts of medications; exercise regularly, and eaten healthy. JC, what else can I possibly do to turn this self-hate train around and actually start to enjoy my life? It feels absolutely hopeless to me.

My sister has AvPD, my brother is narcissistic, and then there's me with BPD. Pathetic.

It's hard when it appears that nothing seems to help.

I used to have a lot of self-hate. I knew something was wrong with me but the professionals didn't say what. I was tired of the old tapes that played the same song.

It's not easy to get rid of that. When I did it, my therapist said, "Who's really talking here?" I honestly admitted that it was my abusive father. He criticized me until before he died. I used reparenting and art therapy and that helped. I still have some negative self-talk but I can counter it. I also deal with body issues but I've found a body-positive community online.

Yes it's a long fight. Therapy started in my late 20s and I'm over 50 now. I'm now starting to feel more at peace.