[bpd453]

I recently discovered I have BPD and all the puzzle pieces are fitting together. I definitely have quiet BPD and I've always been known as the girl who "has a new best friend every year" in high school. I think this was my way of making sure whoever my best friend was would take care of me and wouldn't abandon me, and at the slightest comment or threat to our relationship, I would cut them off.

Now, my best friend is a huge part of my life and literally feels like a part of me. However, my lack of a sense of self does is really not a good combination with the fact that she's struggling a lot too. She's been really busy babysitting every day of the quarantine, and she's told me that she's been getting so anxious lately that it leaves her in a catatonic state and she can't move. Now that she can't be there for me, I'm getting the familiar itch to cut her off. Today I gathered all the things in my room that reminded me of her; pictures, clothes, presents, and threw them in a pile under my bed. I had a intense urge to burn them, but I didn't.

How do I go on from here? She is actually neglecting me as she doesn't have time for me, but I'm at the brink and I really need her right now and she can't be there. Do I just have to fortify myself and actually learn how to be alone? I feel like my whole life that's never happened and the idea of that is just terrifying. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I should go about the situation?

[CANDC]

Hi bpd453. Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry that having friends is something you sometimes struggle with.

I think I would not cut off your friend but maybe ask how they are doing. The best way for me to have a friend is to be a friend to someone else.

The next best way for me is to be a friend to myself. Not sure if this would work for you but these may be of interest. For me until I really felt secure about who I am and accept me then a friend outside did not help.
How to be a Better Friend to Yourself

8 Steps to Like Yourself (More)

Tips for Building Self-Esteem

[ARaven0137]

I can imagine how difficult that is and I really empathize. I don't think you should take such a big step to cut her out. I think that is something you would regret and I think it would preclude her from returning more into your life when things improve for her. I have two similar situations so I do empathize. In my work, nearly everyone that you work with will be gone in a few years and you will likely move too. I had a terrible time with it at first as cherished friends transferred or I did and had to start all over. For a time I became very jaded and didn't trust or try to make new friends, but I got over it and accepted the system. It wasn't easy and talking with friends who had moved or just keeping in touch helped a little. I am now facing the fact that my best friend left our work because of an abusive male boss. We went from working and laughing every day down to lunch a couple times a week down to just texting/talking with occasional get togethers. For me, it was heartbreaking and I was tempted to do something similar, but the logical side of me kept me on an even keel. She has kids and a bad, jealous husband who was keeping us apart. I told her that I knew what she was going through and that I was always here when she needed to talk and wanted to have fun and that hearing from her really helps me. It's working itself out and we see each other more, but still not enough for my liking, but I know it'll have to do.

I had a friend who seems to have BPD as one of his issues and I learned that abandonment is a critical issue and that people with BPD feel it much deeper than others. He would cry or rant if I had to hang up or leave. He became obsessed with me and demanded a relationship even though I'm married. Things began to blow up when we were on the phone once and he was again demanding I have sex with him. My husband walked in and I stopped talking to L. L started screaming over the phone that I not ignore him...loud enough to be overheard. That went over really well. So, I understand that feeling abandoned is a huge thing for those with BPD. While I can imagine it's easier said than done, perhaps offering your friend support and letting her know that hearing from her helps you and that, when she is able, to just reach out and talk.

I hope the best for you and your friend.

Alice

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Hi bpd453. Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry that having friends is something you sometimes struggle with.

I think I would not cut off your friend but maybe ask how they are doing. The best way for me to have a friend is to be a friend to someone else.

The next best way for me is to be a friend to myself. Not sure if this would work for you but these may be of interest. For me until I really felt secure about who I am and accept me then a friend outside did not help.
How to be a Better Friend to Yourself

8 Steps to Like Yourself (More)

Tips for Building Self-Esteem

Welcome to pc

[downandlonely]

Welcome @bpd453

I don't think cutting this friend out of your life would be a good move for you (although I understand that those with borderline tend to do that). Have you tried working on your borderline with something like dialectical behavioral therapy? You don't necessarily have to do this with a therapist. There are workbooks available online. I know people who have had success with this technique.

[Fuzzybear]

Have you found any of the resources offered here helpful?