[Pat0]

Hello BPD forum

My friend of several years has BPD and anxiety is very in-the-moment and impulsive.
I am trying to understand why my friend with BPD can often be so pleasantly intense and close while with me or my friends and appear keen to be involved in activities.
But in between our meetings, they are Distant.
I can feel let down when they do not stick to what we agreed to.
It is like speaking to a different person when I phone to find out where they are. They have lost all the enthusiasm they had when we met in person.

Distant: for example, they limit the length of time and number of meetings with others. When invited, they often want to stay at home on their own. They only seem to want to interact in person. They do not reply to simple messages, including when helped, but acknowledge received if asked. While in person, they appear overly keen and say they enjoy the company and should do it again soon. Their words often do not hold once they leave. I have done some reading on BPD.

Is this Distant behaviour likely a protection mechanism from becoming overly attached to people?

I would have thought my friend's intense and close interactions with people could increase their chance of becoming attached?
If they do not want to get attached to others, their way of interacting would strangely work against them?

I guess due to BPD, they like or have little control over this intense and close way of interacting?

Pat

[CANDC]

welcome to MSF @Pat0 - I am sorry that your friend is so challenging to understand and predict their behaviior.

I deal with a friend with Bipolar Disorder - not sure if you mean that or BPD could mean borderline personality disorder also. They are very different but their initials are easily confused.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message and not the first word of your message]

[MuddyBoots]

I have BPD and can relate to this some. For me it's because when I'm around other people I can read them a lot better and adapt to them a lot more, and "feed off the vibes" I guess is one way of putting it.

People with BPD often have anxious or anxious-avoidant attachment styles. I have anxious-avoidant, so there's the "want" of intimacy and the fear of it too. I think in person the want takes over and when I'm alone the fear takes over. Possibly. Just speaking for myself as something your friend might or might not relate to.

[unaluna]

For me, engaging takes SO MUCH energy. Its like starting a cold engine. Once its running, its fine, its fun, but starting it up, OMG! So if you call randomly, you could be calling while the engine is off, or being taken apart for repairs!

Is it not just basic politeness for us to respond? Well, if we had been raised with basic politeness, it would be in our repetoire to do so, yes. But its not.

[Pat0]

Hello Forum
Just confirm I meant Borderline Personality Disorder by BPD. @canc

It appears to me that the core symptom of BPD and its subtypes is always emotional dysregulation, (including strong emotions and rapidly changing emotions)
For a BPD diagnosis, it is not essential to have abandonment and engulfment concerns, but they are very common.
When I initially wrote my post, I wrongly thought abandonment and engulfment concerns were always present in BPD.
My friend with BPD for many years is very impulsive and did get very angry with me once.
I am aware of Bipolar 1 and 2 the old name Manic depression, but that is not their condition.

Unfortunately, I have felt let done by my friend at times.
I think it is their over-enthusiasm that misleads/confuses me.

[Pat0]

Hi MuddyBoots

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

I have BPD and can relate to this some. For me it's because when I'm around other people I can read them a lot better and adapt to them a lot more, and "feed off the vibes" I guess is one way of putting it.
I think in person the want takes over and when I'm alone the fear takes over.

As I have know my friend with BPD for years, I think what you describe is part or what is going on. I have read people with BPD can be good at pick up others emotions I guess more so in person. I have also read it can be quiet tirering/overloading as well though picking up on all these emotions.

There is quiet a dramatic change in personality from on the phone quiet to in person lively which I have observed. They ration the amount of time they willing to mix, which is a different puzzel. It has caused problems when out as they went in to a rage once. Because they wanted to get home earlier. It often could just be triedness, maybe I am looking to deep thinking it might be abandonment or engulfing concerns.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Pat0

Hi MuddyBoots



As I have know my friend with BPD for years, I think what you describe is part or what is going on. I have read people with BPD can be good at pick up others emotions I guess more so in person. I have also read it can be quiet tirering/overloading as well though picking up on all these emotions.

There is quiet a dramatic change in personality from on the phone quiet to in person lively which I have observed. They ration the amount of time they willing to mix, which is a different puzzel. It has caused problems when out as they went in to a rage once. Because they wanted to get home earlier. It often could just be triedness, maybe I am looking to deep thinking it might be abandonment or engulfing concerns.

What I've learned is that while the DSM nicely lists 9 symptoms that you have to have five of to "qualify" for a BPD diagnosis, usually there's a lot of other shyt that tend to come with the criteria and the listed symptoms tend to bounce off of and amplify each other. Maybe fear of abandonment for one is the core symptom, and if that's triggered that in itself can trigger the emotional dysregulation and impulsive behaviors, suicidal gestures, then that can make relationships more unstable, which will further trigger the fear of abandonment and it's just a spiral from there on out. Just as an example. Or on another note maybe there was a rupture of sorts with an important relationship and because some of us tend to "take the personality" of others, that rupture can make us really feel the identity disturbance leading to that feeling of emptiness intensifying (which may fuel SI or destructive behaviors)

[Pat0]

Would it be wise to ask my friend with BPD in private if they are feeling engulfed or abandoned at any moment?
Or would this be too sensitive a trigger for anyone with observable BPD?
I guess it might depend on the individual and their stress level at the time.

[unaluna]

Engulfment and abandonment are two siides of the same coin. This sounds like your problem, not your friend's.

[MuddyBoots]

Originally Posted by Pat0

Would it be wise to ask my friend with BPD in private if they are feeling engulfed or abandoned at any moment?
Or would this be too sensitive a trigger for anyone with observable BPD?
I guess it might depend on the individual and their stress level at the time.

I wouldn't ask in the moment. Chances are if you're asking, it's because they are noticeably acting off, and depending on their level of insight they might not even be able to answer honestly, and if they can there's no guarantee they will.

Personally, I appreciate when people can tell me GENUINELY (as in it feels like an authentic vibe between close friends, not that fake bs from people I "know" (even "well") but the relationship isn't close) that I can let them know if something is too much or feels off.

Unaluna is kinda right though, are you feeling at all abandoned or rejected because of her being distant when you're not in person? You don't have to answer me, just think about it.

[Pat0]

I have had two friends with BPD over the years. I used to have a miss-understanding what BPD was until rescently I guess like a lot people.
I think I was my first friends favaorite person, for a while. I started to feel controlled and manipulated and I could no longer do anything right. The more I tried the worse it got, may BPD splitting thinking back.
It got petty say I was 10 minutes late we were not going anywhere.It became a drama over nothing all the time.
After being messed about for months over something really petty with endless excuses.

I decided I was nolonger going to play this game. I did speak to other close friends at the time about it to help move on.



Until rescently I did not know my other friend had BPD. All I new they were impulsive and like limit their sociol time.
My impulsive friend with BPD has got in to a rage on two occasions with me.
The first occasion, I am sitting with them and I asked what was stressing them. For what ever reason they did not say. I stuck with them as they were still stressing and it was not improving. I thought it might be my company. For them we had spent a lot time together that day. I thought some space form me for while might help. I had tried other things. I decided to go and talk to another friend say 20 feet away. About 10 minutes later my friend got up and yelled at me in a rage no build up before hand... For me a bit traumatic due what they shouted. Subsequently I have thought they may felt abandoned in addition to their stress, the stress I later found out was not me. The straw that broke the camels back. I initialy wanted speak, but as months went by I moved on. A year later my friend decided to contact me...

The second rage occasion, is once again hurtfull and complicated.
Part me wants to speak, but not sure its in my best interests at the moment at least.
I would like some answers.

When I message they do not reply, but thats not new.