[vanessa22]

So, ive been diagnosed with bulimia over 2 years ago.. I never thought i had bulimia at first i thought i had BED (binge eating disorder) it was only after i took an honest look and got more into recovery i realized, i am bulimic. I did not start binging, never had an addiction or problem with food at all, it was only after i started with dieting and restricting i developed binging. (ive never thrown up-ive purged in other ways). Since then ive been up and down with recovery, but mostly goin up, been through some hard times though. Going through a rough patch ive gotten more into the anorexic side.. my body and mind has been deprived. In the summer to September just last year i was not eating mostly due to natural no appetite and depression. (issues at home, long story had a stepdad wouldn't even let me eat sometimes he fed my ED big time)
I finnaly moved out, thought that's my biggest problem once i move out i will have the will to live again and i can finally fully recover.
I got a new job that created so much stress and havoc on me mentally and physically that -that replaced my stepdad /living at home in a way. So, my anorexia continued/got worse at times.

I lost that job and went back to my old one, which i like. I felt down at first because i again failed at something, but was greatfull, i really don't want a job like that, and now i can focus on recovery.

Well, it was after that that i started binging. I havnt binged in over 2 years. When i first realized i had an ed, i joined OA (Over eaters Anonymous) and vowed my abstinence and even in the worst of my ed anorexic days, i still never even thought about binging. The first time i binged this year it was so weird.. And i forgave myself and realized it was because i was so deprived for so long.. This is my bodys natural response and crying out.

ive been up and down still. And the binging got worse. Even though im finally happy with my home life, i got a NEW job that i LOVE, ive still binged. I just don't get it. its like im trying to sabotage myself.

I realized last night ive developed the habit of binging again, it came back. it is now a coping mechanism and a habit again. Ive been giving up, letting myself drown if i slip. letting myself - ENJOY the binging, since im already doing it /failing mise well enjoy it kind of thing.

Well i need to get myself out of this. Even in the worst of being on the anorexic side does still not compare to what binging can do ..
Today i sliped a bit. i realzed a lot last night, did good up until dinner tonight..I planed on having just a chicken burger and part of a chocolate bunny for dessert. i ended up eating much more of that chocolate. almost the whole thing, and then some more chocolate other stuff. i did not feel satisfied.. I did stuff to prevent possible over eating, that just didn't work out i guess. I remembered how when you've been overeating your not gona be so used to less/normal amounts of food right away.. i gotta wean myself.. it will be a struggle, i may not always feel completely satisfied after meals, but i gotta fight the urge- if i know i have had enough food- i gota fight the urge to binge. cus the more i do the easier it will get and i will again be able to eat moderate portions and feel satisfied (like before).
I have ocd too and can get anxiety, i noticed sometimes when i start to eat more than planed, my anxiety shots up- and i continue to over eat simply out of not knowing what to do with myself- pure anxiety. Like uh oh..this could lead to a binge..and i just keep eating! My ocd will kick in - "your making a mess crumbs are getting everywhere-ill wonder how am i gonna clean this or should i chill out and clean after or clean now? and then ill just continue eating.

So, i need help. How can i get myself out of these anxiety/ocd periods with eating, or prevent them? How can i get through this struggle of not giving into binge urges, and finnaly moving forward from this relapse?

[unaluna]

It's really hard to know what a normal amount of food to eat is, but im betting a chicken burger isn't it! I do the same thing. I have like a yogurt for breakfast then wonder why I'm starving at dinner. That yogurt wasn't enough! Frontload! If you can move your food to the beginning of the day, you might be more likely to eat healthy and a lot less likely to binge as the day goes on. Big breakfast is good. It's getting there that's hard.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Vanessa,

This will be a long entry. Apologies in advance.

If you never heard of it, I want to introduce you to something called Structured Eating (SE). Structured eating is just planning in advance that you will eat every 3 hours. Some people prefer 3 meals and 3 snacks; others like 6 small meals. There are advantages and disadvantages to both, so I recommend you try it both ways. I like the sensation of being a bit full, so I prefer to eat the meals/snacks, but if you hated being full, you might want to go the other way.

It's important to have protein in your main meals (breakfast, lunch and dinner) and to have carbs in all your meals (so that your body has the energy to keep going). In that way your urge to binge will be lowered quite a lot, because your body will be having what it needs.

I started structured eating 13 months ago, and have been trying to stick to the 3 hours frame as much as I could. Especially at the beginning I was in desperate need to have something I could trust and rely upon, and the 3 hours frame did wonders for me. The other side of the same coin is that by eating every 3 hours you create a pattern your body and your mind can start rely on. Every time that I have a urge or a binge-thought, I have something I can use to try to calm it down, because I know that I will be eating shortly: it's an hour, sometimes a couple, but I know I am going to eat soon.

Personally I don't decide what to eat during the day in advance, I don't prepare it the day before - this doesn't work with me as it tastes too much like a diet. Others do a meal plan and schedule out everything. I leave it to my intuition to decide what to have for a meal or a snack, although even in this case it's "structured intuition" in the sense that with the time I am practicing my skills when doing my weekly food shopping or going over a menu' when I eat out. I try to buy the food I know I will feel safe with.

If I have lunch at the office, I prepare my lunch box in the morning. I like leave something open to my intuition and try to feel what I am up for rather than preparing it in advance (but again I know this can be very triggering especially at the beginning of structured eating).

When I travel, I rehearse like crazy for the meals, stick to the 3 hours even during long flights or jet leg, and decide a bit in advance what 'type' of food I will have for every meal in general terms (general like 'a sandwich', or 'a fruit and yogurt' or 'a chicken curry' and so on), so I am not clueless (and most prone to anxiety and binging) when it's time.

The most important thing is to keep moving toward recovery. It can take a while to learn how much food your body needs and overcome the fear that you'll keep gaining-and-gaining-and-gaining if you eat normal meals and snacks. It's okay if it takes a while! It's okay if you're still restricting and you keep slipping ever 3, 10, or 30 days, That's fine!! You just have to keep trying. Most newbies have an inaccurate sense of what recovery is like. They see the 'success' cases, the people who, for whatever reasons (social support, a happy life, low stress work, committed personality, completely 'over' bulimia, etc.) are able to stop bingeing right away.

It is NOT the norm to 100% stop the BP cycle after deciding you want to quit. It IS okay if you are still restricting or bingeing. If you were binging 6 times per day and now you're down to 6 times per week, that's 700% improvement.

So, here's how I would prioritize behaviors in recovery: THE MOST important thing is to be honest. The second most important thing is to keep trying. The third most important thing is to not purge. The 4th most important thing is to not restrict. The fifth most important thing is to not binge.

Vanessa, take some time to test, experiement, see what it works for you and what doesn't. Structured eating wants to be an ally, not an additional constraints. It takes time to find what works for you with it, I am still experimenting with it and see that things keep changing, so really every meal is different from another and the frame develops as you practice it.

Please don't give up!
Bub

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by vanessa22

When i first realized i had an ed, i joined OA (Over eaters Anonymous) and vowed my abstinence and even in the worst of my ed anorexic days, i still never even thought about binging. The first time i binged this year it was so weird.. And i forgave myself and realized it was because i was so deprived for so long..

Vowing abstinence is harmful, because you cannot control yourself enough to honor and uphold the vow, and failing leads to feelings of guilt, worthlessness, etc. You ALREADY have enough problems - you do not need EXTRA problems from feeling guilty, feeling like a failure, etc. You have had MORE than your fair share of problems - the stepdad, the work situation, etc. So you need to make your life easier and better rather than more miserable than it already is.

Had you been able to control yourself enough to abstain from overeating/binging IN THE FIRST PLACE, you would not have had any problem, and you would not have even considered OA - right?

You need practical steps that do not involve vows you cannot possibly honor.

Hankster and Bubsmiley give good solid practical advice.