[comicgeek007]

I purged again.

I've lost control in just about all aspects of my life: abusive mother hurting me emotionally and also my sisters, my bipolar meds are making me more hungry, gaining weight, and they aren't even doing their job, my schoolwork is suffering horribly, and no matter how much I try to fight the little voice in my head that tells me I'm fat and ugly, I can't.

My T doesn't seem to understand, just wants me to journal my mood and every time I screw up again. My stepmom is supportive, but I don't think I can face her with my failure two days after she told me to stop, fight this.

I feel so helpless. I feel like I have no control over this but I should. I can't confide in anyone anymore: it feels like treason to fess up to my best friends, one of which is seeking treatment for bulimia and the other I lied to about purging, I'm too guilty to tell my stepmom, I don't want to worry my boyfriend, and I really don't think I give a damn about my T. Why should she know? She doesn't understand. She's not trying to help me. She's trying to make me stay on the same meds that made me start gaining weight in the first place! I told her how much of a problem it is, how much I hate myself, how I think of jumping in front of cars whenever I go for a super long run. I've replaced other forms of self harm with purging, because it's damaging and completely horrible, but it won't leave a scar for my T or anyone else to try to lock me up for.

I can't control it. I've tried to stop. I don't know what to do anymore.

[AngelWolf3]

I am so sorry. I totally feel for you and understand what you are going through. I don't have any advice (sorry, I say that a lot, cause I don't...) BUT I SO know what you are dealing with.
I wish I had more to say that would help. But I am very much there too.

[whoswho]

Well, that's an interesting question. For many, an eating disorder is a way to create control in an otherwise out of control existence. Perhaps not the sole reason, but "wanting control" is a definite personality trait of many, many, many people. And the ironic thing, is that the eating disorder always gets out of control. We can't stop on our own.

The shame you are putting on yourself is only going to make you feel worse and more susceptible to relapse. OK, you messed up. You said you don't want to tell your step mom because you "only" lasted two days. Well, two days is a start, isn't it? If you go from binging and purging 20 times a day to once in two days, isn't that a good sign? Not perfect, of course, but better than it was before?

I'm in the same situation as you. I'm really trying to stop binging and purging. I slip up once in a while. Maybe my approach isn't even the best. I try not to blame myself when I relapse. I honestly expect it to happen. If I can go two days without binging and purging before a relapse--well, maybe next time I can go four days, then six days, then eight... you get the picture. The relapses will become less and less frequent and the impulse to binge and purge will become weaker and weaker. That's what I'm aiming for, anyway. It's not perfect, but it's better than nothing. It's better to relapse and start over than to give up, right?

If your step mom is supportive, I would definitely take advantage of that. "Mom, I messed up after two days, but I want you to know that I'm going to keep trying."

It's tough. I also struggle. Hang in there. Keep us updated.

[whoswho]

Oh, I forgot to even address the medication. If your therapist isn't willing to listen to you, then you need to find a new therapist. I also had this problem, and gained A LOT of weight on medication, all the while being told that I should just keep a closer eye on my diet. HELLO? I already diet all the time, that's pretty much my "thing." Anyway. I had to go through many doctors before I found one that realized: I DON'T WANT TO GAIN MORE WEIGHT. And the weight gain really didn't help, and I'm sure it negated any possible positive effects of the drugs themselves, because I was much too concerned and horrified by the weight gain. DO NOT SETTLE when it comes your your mental health or your physical health. I really wish I would have stood up for myself against drug pushing doctors.

[spondiferous]

I had a relapse with purging over the weekend. I felt like total crap last night and immediately started going to a place of blaming myself again. But then, first time ever, I caught myself and I just kind of told myself, It won't change anything. It's already in the past; all I can do without making it ten times worse is just accept that it happened and move on.

I agree about the shame. Shaming ourselves keeps us stuck. And I want to believe I can recover from this damned disease, no matter how insurmountable it may seem.

I also agree that if your T isn't listening to - and taking seriously - your complaints about the meds, it may be time to start looking for a different T.

If you ever need someone to talk to, if you relapse again or just need to vent or need some encouragement or someone to share with, feel free to PM me.